Our Poetry (C)

This is just quite simply a page of our poems. Please do not copy them unless you have my permission.

These are expressions of ourself, they are what we feel, and are an important part of our healing. They are here for all to enjoy, and heal with too.

Enjoy them.

A Poem by Me

I asked when would the time come,

When the darkness disappears,

When the possibilities are endless,

Never limited by my fears.

Open to all the elements,

Like the sunshine, wind and rain,

Lacking in any suffering,

Or abuse that causes pain.

Stop with the way you watch me,

Feeling pity and your delight,

Watching how I cope so well,

Through endless sleepless nights.

I hate what they did to me,

They made my heart stone cold,

Took advantage of my innocence,

The need to do as I was told.

They scared me over and over again,

All for their own fun,

Never worrying about my feelings,

Or what I would become.

Fuck you all you bastards,

I do hope that you die,

I hope someone really hurts you,

So it makes you squirm and cry.

That is what I think you deserve,

You perverts with sick minds,

I just hope that someone caught you,

Before you curse someone else you find.

FUCK YOU!!!

 

Where is the off switch???

My body wants to sleep,

My mind the thoughts it keeps,

Lost in a time warp of memory,

Memories don’t sleep.

Playback just keeps playing,

Poison just keeps spraying,

All into my existence,

Stop this I was praying.

Peace is not known here,

For that I do shed a tear,

Crying from whats ground into me,

The incoherent fear.

Creating my safe spot,

Increased need with each and every knock,

                                         Breaking my self-confidence,

Every time you mock.

You hurt me mister you hurt me,

How can that be,

Those things you did those sick things,

Photographed for all to see.

I do not see what you did sir

I hid behind my eyes.

She took all the badness to give me a form of life,

Shes one of many inside me that help make you a blur.

It’s crazy how my mind fixed,

The childhood you so rudely nicked,

creating alters to forget the times,

When my emotions were so tricked.

The problem is now I remember you,

Everything that you did too,

Stored within my system,

Alters just waiting for their cue.

Their time to speak of things that they hold inside their mind,

To a therapist who we trust and who they find so kind,

They will tell about you and your twisted little game,

And one day sir, all those things you did, I wont even mind.

I’ll be happy,  so happy, no nightmares and just dreams,

I’ll sleep at night so easily, and enjoy all that my life brings.

 Yes ill be happy. Happy happy happy. One day.

Free expression

As I sit here alone with my thoughts I may hate,

I find myself contemplating my own very fate,

What will become of me when all of this is done,

The normality I’m seeking in all years to come,

Today I thank my alters they are here through thick and thin,

Here without conditions no matter the circumstance I’m in.

For that I am grateful blessed with their support,

Keeping us safer togetherdespite you not being caught.

They may hide and be frightened when people come too near,

But they also just take over when they sense my fear.

One day I wont worry did I lock the door,

One day when I need to cry I wont cower on the floor!

I’m done expressing thoughts now I cannot write much more,

My mind can no longer think through this chaotic alters uproar.

Calm down and then ill listen keep calm its okay,

Please stop all the shouting I need some help today.

 

No name

I need to sleep

To rest my head

Where I feel safe

In my bed

It’s real late

The world seems dead

But I can’t stop worrying

It’s tomorrow I dread

Going to paul’s mummy’s

To do family delights

Have a meal and natter

Without any fights

Tomorrow it scares me

And i don’t know why

I’m scared to eat you see

And live their big fat lie

all because I care to much

What his mummy thinks of me

I must go seek her cuddles

I really, really must go

I mustn’t just say no

My fear is totally unjust

Chill out alters that’s a must

Our weakness is hidden

So stay calm and relax

This panic it’s forbidden

 

Why

Today I ask why

Why that man picked me

Yes I’m asking why

Why could he not see

The pain and the suffering

That he was causing for me

It’s just one thing after another

It’s this nasty mind of mine

Memory after memory

You were way out of line

Why sir did you break me

For your own delight

Made me a target for others

Who’s minds were not right

Wrong enough to hurt me

Until I couldn’t take much more

Made myself a family

And to others shut the door

I have my help my system

There forever more

Always there to say

Come on we’re okay even if it’s needed several times a day

You don’t know how you scared me

Each time you came near

Even hurt me now

Enough to shed a tear

Today I really hate you

For that I don’t ask why

I know it’s cause your sick inside

And you fucked a child dry

I cried til i could cry no more

After what you did

I cried because you made me hurt

In your perverse desperate bid

Your bid to fulfill your fantasy

Without any thought

No thought for my feelings

And from that you taught

Taught me to be tough

Not take any shit

Say no to perverts

Sick and twisted dicks

I hope you die you bastard

And I hope it hurts like fuck

Oh and I just want you to know

That what you did fucking sucks.

FUCK YOU!!!

 

A wish

I wished i was a bird, flying free in the sky,

but you’d catch me in your net, still make me so shy.

I wished i was a honey bee, making sweetness in my hive,

but i know I’d have to sting you, and lose my right to thrive.

I wished i was a butterfly, fluttering prettily away,

but i know you’d catch me and cut my wings to change my carefree way.

I wished i was a puppy dog, with a long and waggy tail,

but you’d buy me and then train me up, to ensure that i would fail.

I wished i was a goldfish, swimming happily in a tank,

but i know you’d still cause me a future of blank.

I wished i was a hedgehog, protected by my spikes,

but you’d just wear a glove to protect you from my strikes.

I wished i was a tiger, all scary in the wild,

but you’d show me I’m a tiny kitten, my bite only mild.

Then i wished i was a boy, with nothing you could want,

but i realised that any part of me, you lacked struggle to haunt.

So then i just wished, that I’d ceased to ever exist,

and took out all my misery, on the surface of my wrist.

I became a broken bottle, my pieces hard to find,

each piece given a task, so meticulously assigned.

Together evolving into adulthood, we’re scattered but still here,

sometimes each one of us, feeling like a master puppeteer.

Our weaknesses are hidden, and our tears do not fall,

our emotions are gathered, although difficult to haul.

Together we accomplish, existing in some life

although frequenting our mind, the badness which is rife.

You taught me nothing important, just suffering is all,

but now I’m not a child, and I’m determined to stand tall.

 

Simply

Here lies my tears,

locked away and rarely seen.

They will not be shown to you,

even if you break down every seam.

It’s a boundary that’s built into me,

tears are weakness and I can’t be.

What we all know only too well,

lead us into such cruelty.

Under wickeds evil spell,

i cannot control the pain.

I cannot control the fear,

but I’ll control what I can I won’t shed another tear.

 

Simply Broken

I am blessed, yeah I’m blessed with the gift I was given,

My existence allows others due to the road which I was driven,

Multiple minds have their life all entwined within mine,

A co-existence of many people in an attempt to make a bleak life shine,

I’m just as simple as a mirror fallen from ones hand,

Now impossible to fix and just left as we land,

For the consequences of them breaking a glass bottle on a wall,

Is the many sharp pieces becoming hidden they’re that small,

No amount of bonding can deliver us in to one,

We are here, we’ve arrived and the deal has been done,

Our cards were dealt for us and so carelessly it seems,

and throughout this life we have been taken to all possible extremes,

I did hear once badness is not practiced on all,

And not everyone has to face life as a constant hard brawl,

No, I believe it is said that God picks who he knows,

 Has a capability to cope with all the pain that he throws,

To find strength and keep believing in life despite what they know.

 

Low, a poem

I cannot help myself,

This pain it will not cease.

Exploding with emotion,

Oh so far from peace.

I am in the depths of despair,

Handling this alone.

No one understands,

This feeling as cold as stone.

Cruel is in abundance,

In this here life.

Strike after painful strike,

Cut my tension with a knife.

I am lost within myself,

Stuck going round and round.

My life is just a circle,

Screams the only sound.

Help me please then free me,

Saved free from despair.

Take me out of depression,

Let me breathe fresh air.

 

Unexpected end

Laying here with eyes open

I’m contemplating the end

Feeling some strange omen

Of sadness which descend

A coven of terrible darkness

Shattering the depths of my soul

Beings that are oh so thoughtless

Beating hearts so far from whole

I am becoming unable to decipher

This fire that so readily burns

Painfully smouldering an insider

Engulfing each one of them in turns

I am praying to be given respite

Bowing down to all of the gods

Looking for that white light

To appear against all odds

I am feeling such deep water

Suffocating me with my skin

A little lamb howling to it’s slaughter

I sense the fall of everything

In the silence of a reaper

I proceed to hear so much

Still sinking so much deeper

Into pain just too hot to touch

It’s my aging way of coping

No longer able to crush waves

Opening me up now not hoping

As I journey into dark caves

No sign of light to guide a path

White light or my life saved

Take over this nightmare and you steer

Remove my clutches on these thoughts braved.

 

The object of my affliction

An object can be the difference between pleasure or pain

Placed in tight places not yet the right age

Maturity in his hands however not in mine

Fully formed for the perp caused us both to whine

I am small for his object hence my experience of pain

his object to large and restricted in small places not the same

Forcefully placing and object where it does not belong

Causing misfortune to each presence behind eyes sings a song

The difference being the big aftermath

His moment of relief which caused mine

Removing objects of affliction from small spaces after he crossed the line.

Each feeling is similar that ran through our being

Feeling pain and then pleasure within the same time without agreeing

Same time yet such a difference in how the feelings were all felt

my face awash with tears as he stands breathless fastening his belt

The moment he forgets there’s a person broken on his floor

Selfishly he’s smiling making his way to the door

I enjoy his appearance as he steps away from my view

Safe from his object and for another day the affliction to me so new

I know it’s so different even though our emotions are the same

We felt the same for different reasons in the very moment that he came

I cannot but honour my plight to accept this affliction is was given

Many of my thoughts I will take to my death heading where I’m driven

 

My Love, My saviour, My Paul

You know I’m sorry if I hurt you

Or make you question why

But forget asking why or even who

Cause I don’t ever want to lie

Baby you didn’t do this

I love you to the end

But life right now is far from bliss

And I need your strength to lend

Hold my hand and guide me

Help me see the light

We come so far didn’t we

Without a single fight

This write I never meant for you

But you never leave my mind

That I already think you knew

With the ways we are entwined

If I am ever gone away

Never follow my ill fate

I need you to smile and to stay

I’ll come home but I may be late.

 

Mummy Wish.

I wish i had a mummy who would cuddle me so tight

wrap me in big squishy bubble wrap

Keep me safe throughout the night.

I wish i had a mummy who smiled with bright eyes

when she saw me and spoke to me

soothing all of my cries.

I wish i had a mummy who laughed all the time

at my jokes and super silliness

and happiness she’s all mine.

I wish i had a mummy who called me at night

asking how my day was

whether it was all alright.

I wish i had a mummy who just a thought of makes me smile

instead of a sadness

as she runs from me a mile.

I wish i had a mummy who i could rely on for advice

for help and instruction

to help me through my life.

I wish i’d had a mummy who didn’t fail at every hurdle

but i did and that’s my life

unlike her though i won’t curdle.

 

Grandma Miriam.

You show us a love we can’t explain to people you do not know

You place a warmth in our hearts coming so natural it shows

Living your life with your family right by your side 

Bringing a remembrance of laughter in our hearts with each stride

You have a happiness that’s born in you deep within

Shown simple and carefree through each line in your skin

Sharing the beauty of living with your family and friends

Through your smiles and laughter a jubilation it lends

Each time that you smile eyes twinkle with delight

Listening with ease to stories you so simply recite

Lines of laughter are displayed each time you grin

Having seen many things which you share with your kin

You help us vision the memories you so easily spill

Memories of smiles and laughter are passed down to us still

Grandma thank you for being there and giving us a memory

Reminding us of the importance of life and discovery

We’ll disregard your last moment to remember only good

We’ll remember you with smiles like we know that we should

 You can sleep now grandma they understand its okay

They have come to understand that you just cannot stay

Rest your head now grandma and dream the life you have lead

Make us a path to heaven we’ll have to see you there instead

 

Healing.

Dark skies are full of eyes,

Watching innocence be stolen.

Twinkling as I stare at them,

Whilst you cruelly tore me wide open.

Striking me deep within frame,

Jagged edges into my soul.

Opposing me with sheer delight,

Your heart as hard as coal.

Penetrating my conscience,

Effecting me as I grew.

Casting shadows over my happiness,

But you made strength in me too.

I’m trying here to heal myself,

Lay to rest your memory.

I will fight through tears and self hate,

I will flourish and be free.

It is taking time,

And its really tough.

But with my T and all this help,

I am gonna work through all the rough.

And live a good life til’ the end.

 

Button.

Like a button

Small and round

With four little holes

by which i become bound

You are responsible

For where i am placed

With or without boundary

Will my existence be a waste

At your influence waiting

For the use you see fit

Sewn in that position

Waiting for cotton to split

Fighting and wriggling

With each breath less confined

Hoping to fall free

From the purpose you assigned

I will fall to my freedom

Not to my death

For i am a useful button

I can take another breath.

 

My Mirror.

Mirror oh mirror on the wall,

Here i sit feeling so small

I look at you so proud and strong

and wonder whatever did i do wrong

So smooth and glossy without a care

despite you reflecting me and my tangled hair

There are no physical cracks in your sheen

yet looking at myself they are clearly seen

You stand there and glimmer unaware i’m here

oblivious to the feelings you help me commandeer

Now i will turn you mirror to face against the wall

remove from my view the reflection until upon you i recall

Like you i am returning to my dark corner of the world

safe and distant from all from which I’ve whirled.

 

For the soldier.

In all the places i have been,

I never did do see.

A pitter patter sailor boy,

Just come back from sea.

Golden sand in his hair,

and water in his boots.

Twinklings in his eyes,

now you’re home boy to roost.

Set you’re feet up son,

you deserve it now a man.

Broken through the war you did,

and showed us all you can.

We are proud of our soldiers,

and everything they done.

Protecting all of us back home,

from politics and a blinding hot sun.

Come home son to your family,

cuddle them while you can.

Appreciate them and laugh with them,

do it while you can.

 

Choices

Sitting here I’m dying so silently inside,

not the kind of dying where I’m walking to the light.

Dying for some comfort and just for you to know,

I’m not okay and I’m struggling time is going slow.

I cannot walk this path no more and cannot face this pain,

I’m walking every single day through puddles in pouring rain.

I feel like I am mad with you but mad I cannot be,

I feel oh so bad too that I have this pain you just don’t see.

I don’t know what I’m doing here or what my purpose is,

what benefit to the world am I now feeling just like this.

I do not want to be here in this very awful way,

I wanted you to just fix me but didn’t plan what I would say.

Now I’m here and wondering whether I have done the right thing,

seeking your comfort for you to take me under your wing.

Maybe I should have gone elsewhere and let you be free,

instead I was insistent that only you held the key.

I’m not sure that I was correct I’m not sure at all,

I’m doubting you and myself and inside I feel small.

I am happy you help me truly I really am,

but today I just feel like a waiting little lamb.

It’s not your fault or any ones other than all mine,

I’m being ridiculous like so usual I’ll continue pretending I’m fine.

 

Praying for my baby.

I pray at night for time to show my body as healed it’s past.
For myself to prove I am a female able to fulfil a mothering task.
Praying for a little life to grow inside my own.
Gracing me with a baby to which all my love can be shown.
I love a child that’s not here yet but thought of oh so much.
As I hold my body tenderly hoping for magic by my touch.
Stroking my tummy and feeling a presence I know isn’t there.
Yet smiling to on lookers trying hard to seem without care.
I want to feel you inside me growing stronger with each day.
Until I welcome you into a world where you will carelessly stay.
I will protect you and I’ll love you with every last breath.
I’ll put you first and before the rest until my very own death.
I’ll continue to pray my sweet one I will meet you someday soon.
I’ll smile at the ultrasound listening to your hearts tune.
When I am graced with a child I will always try my best.
It has to happen some time soon I can succeed this hard test.
I cannot accept being infertile I refuse to accept such thing.
I will wait until I am blessed with you who is already my everything.
You exist already in my heart though to some it seems strange.
I am ready for you to be in my life and for everything you’ll change.
Waiting for a baby is more difficult than It would seem.
Paul and I are holding hands though waiting to complete our team.
I do not wish this wait or worry on anyone at all.
But those who are given such worry like this know that you are not alone.

One day it will be our day. One day.

 

Tell me little lady

Tell me little lady what is it you fear,
Why I see you flinch whenever he’s near.
Tell me little lady why is it you cry,
Waking up screaming almost every night.
Tell me little lady from who is it you hide,
Under your duvet wrapped up tight inside.
Tell me little lady why you dare not say a word,
Hiding in a corner looking away from the family herd.
Tell me little lady why you cannot hug,
When tears are streaming leaving trails of slugs.
Tell me little lady who made those cuts,
That you cover so well with clothes stinging as they touch.
Tell me little lady why are you afraid,
Consciously checking each step you have made.
Tell me little lady why don’t you smile,
Distance and hiding it seems your only style.
Tell me little lady is there something I can do,
To make things better and all brand new.
Tell me little lady if enough is enough,
Are you feeling like life is not worth it cause it’s too tough.
Tell me little lady it’s okay now to tell,
We will get you control back and remove the bad spell.

 

Become.

A day can be so simple as sunshine wind or rain.
Written by the skies not dependant on suffering or pain.
A blue sky this day can lead to such glee.
For me and for you as we branch from our tree.
Each day brings on a big growth in us all.
Getting further and further until past thoughts are so small.
We can carry strength and sadness in one shaking hand.
Pulling ourselves through deep puddles and burning hot sand.
It is miraculous the mountains we ourselves overcome.
Reaching the peak and the beautiful of which we all carry some.
All brought to us by the waking of a single new day.
Which we have blessed onto us despite what will or what may.
It is easy to close our eyes for that last final time.
Accepting to never again see the bright moon or sun shine.
Tomorrow is a new day though and we’ll continue to grow.
Growing however is tiring so much to cause us glum and low.
We are the strength that keeps fighting like the seasons of the sky.
Giving our world a purpose for each of us to get by.
Life can be beautiful in our peak and moods of glee.
Lets not be judgemental when sadness seems forever to be.
Judge life only when you are graced with a smile.
Then you’ll see that you’ll realise it’s worth fighting for a little while.

 

Are you the helper.

I’m hiding but you don’t know that you made me feel this way.

Crushed up in my corner waiting for what you may say.

Accepting that i won’t hear from you not even at all.

Daggers in my heart as I’m feeling unable to call.

Supported by a system broken by my own hand.

Feeling alone only my own footprints in the sand.

I need you but I’m stubborn and I’m proving I can.

Manage this without needing away hearts ran.

Pushing you away sadly but you don’t even know.

The conflict and torment that’s hit me with a blow.

I’m hurting regarding you i don’t even know why.

Could be remedied with a simple e-mail asking how I’m getting by.

I’m over thinking something which requires no thought at all.

Maybe I learnt that from you with the way sometimes your words fall.

I feel overcome with a need to be stupidly mad.

Causing inside a pain that’s so stupidly sad.

It’s almost like We’ve lost you and I don’t even know how we did.

Realising you maybe are not the only one who can help us get rid.

I don’t know what happened and I don’t know what to do.

I wish I wasn’t so stubborn but principal stops me e-mailing you.

 

Just need someone.

Sometime I just need someone to talk to at the end of a hard day.

I just need someone to talk to when I feel this very way.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen to every problem that I own.

I just need some to listen with care when I feel alone.

Sometimes I just need someone to hold me in a time that feels rough.

I just need someone to hold me when I feel small and less tough.

Sometimes I just need someone to take the reins and lead me down the path.

I just need someone to take the reins when it seems impossible to smile or laugh.

Sometimes I just need someone to smile in thunderstorms and rain.

I just need someone to smile and please take away this pain.

Sometimes I just need someone to understand the reason I feel sad.

I just need someone to understand that inside I feel all bad.

Sometimes I just need someone to advise me and say it’s okay.

I just need someone to advise me through another hopeless day.

Sometimes I just need someone and that someone is always you.

I just need someone so badly I wish I could make you two.

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