*** MT ***
I saw my T today. Not just me. Another part did too. I thought I could handle what we were working on, but clearly not.
We were doing EMDR. On a memory of a sexual assault I experienced in my teens. It wasn’t the assault that my brain focused on though when it was mentioned. It was the way my Father reacted too it.
I’ve seen that man angry at times. Really angry but that didn’t prepare me for the way he was that evening. My mother was angry at me too. She’d had me wait in my bedroom all day until my father returned from work. She waa disgusted in me apparently. Sick of the sight of me. I made her sick. They were her words. Granted at that time she was unaware that I’d been assaulted. Alas I was under 16 and the event had happened with a 24 year old man.
Either way I was a child. He was not. Anyway, I waited and waited for what seemed an eternity, but his arrival also came so quickly. No words needed to be said between him and my mother. She never told him to be calm. She was still annoyed with me. My father raced up the stairs almost immediately.
Barging through my bedroom door. I remember being sat on the floor curled into my knees in the corner of my room. As far away from the door as I could be. I’d been sat there all day.
He stood there. Seething. Steam almost coming from his ears and his first words you wonder??
“You are a slut”. I stared at him. Zoning out but keeping my eyes on him so he couldn’t get angrier saying I wasn’t listening. The words from his mouth. Were just shocking. Along the lines of…
“You are not my daughter”
“You are a embarrassment to us all”
“I disown you”
“I wish I didn’t have you”
“I don’t want a slut in this house”
“Your a dirty bitch”
“You don’t deserve us”
“I wish I could get rid of you now”
“You are a little bitch”
“You are worthless”
“You do not belong with us”
“You are banned from talking to me, “I don’t want to talk to a slut”
“I’m going to beat the slag out of you”
“I wont stop until you are black and blue”
“You are a horrible girl.”
“We all hate you”
Obviously I was battling tears throughout. I was devastated. Keeping the secret had brought this. My father beat me bad that day. It was around some time I had off school. So he could. I was banished to my room to eat and not allowed contact with anyone.
I’ve never felt so let down. So discouraged about life. I wabted to finish it. Damn I tried. Several times. Turning to cutting myself and other ways of coping. I did tell them. Well my mum that he’d made me.
I think out of necessity my morher accompanied me to the police station to report it. She made my aunt sit by me. Hold my hand. She was switched off to it. I don’t know why. I’m unsure what I so wrong to them.
I never wanted it to be like that. It was supposed to be kept between me and my one friend that new. Even he couldn’t keep his mouth shut though. Honestly you cannot trust anyone. Everything just causes hurt.
So yeah. Today was real hard. T doesn’t even fully understand why. I couldn’t get the words out to tell her. She almost made me cry. I cannot cry though so I switched.
Fortunately, this evening we decided to go out with SOs son and his GF. Which was good. It didn’t quite go to plan and SO had to fetch his son home but the rest of us had a good night and nice meal once SO got back. It was good to be able to take my mind off the therapy session.
I’m hoping tonight I’ll sleep. EMDR tires me out and I haven’t slept good for days. So fingers crossed!!
Anyway I’m tired.
Here’s a pic from tonight.
Much love xxx