…. feeling settled or is it numb?

Just been having normal days. Nothing happening that you’d consider special but special to me because they are settled days. Without worries. I’m realising worries play a big factor in my mental health status and to be honest right now I have few.

I’m still upset by SOs partner and the way she was, but honestly, she was a massive worrying. Caring for her every need most of which were easy to do herself, but you don’t buy a dog and bark yourself…. So she had us do everything. I have so much less stress. SO and I have so much more time to so what we want to do. I appreciate that.

Although it seems SO is becoming stressed at the lack of activity. Maybe it’s actually more that he’s running out of weed?? Who knows!!

I saw T last Friday. We were talking about my family, jobs and etc. I told her how my dad always said I had to do well at school to get a good job to look after him when I was older. T said maybe my dislike of findig permanent full time work is maybe subconsciously me rebel against what my dad expected of me… I’m not sure it is though.

I’d love to have money to go to university and get grades. I’d love to have the confidence to actually apply for jobs. Honestly,  people terrify me. Anything out of my comfort zone send me weird. I just know that if I had to be away from what I know and feel safe in, I’d buckle. I’m not lazy, I have done and will do what it takes to keep us fed. I just wish I could do something which didn’t involve me having to be somewhere else.

Colleague conflict, strict arrogant management. I’m not sure I could handle it. I don’t even know if I’d be able to do it. Thinking of work just makes me want to hide in a corner and rot away. Major scary thoughts.

T also said, again, I should think about writing about my DID experience and stuff. That’s all well and good but I wouldn’t even know where to start. If she wants that  she should help me to do it. It’s not that I don’t have the brains to do it. After all I’m not stupid, I just don’t have the will power to carry on when I get onto things I don’t like. Human nature that is though.

Anyway…. I’ve had a good few days. Losing myself on the xbox. Letting alters play xbox. It’s brilliant. We have been playing farcry4 because SOs son got it and it looked good so we bought it from his gf. It’s a good game 🙂

Right… sleep.

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4 thoughts on “…. feeling settled or is it numb?

  1. you’re not the only one who hides in the corner when you think about getting a job, working, etc. i know i could work, could support myself….but the idea of it is so completely scary, i just get paralyzed. Maybe we both will find our way there and see each other on the other side of this.

  2. Work and jobs scare a lot of people. Don’t feel bad. Glad you had a good few days lately. I’ve also been asked by people to write a book. It takes so much work though. Not sure I could. XX

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