It just came to my realisation that my blog is changing. I am changing. things seem to be leaning toward more normality and happiness than triggers and upset.
That’s never a bad thing and I have to admit it feels good.
The past couple years have been a massive struggle but I feel that right now I am stronger than ever. I have come so far. I am more able than ever to conquer my past. That is exactly what I’ll do.
I had never until the last few years had struggles with anxiety. Fears of leaving my home or such massive lack of trust in those that care most. I was in a bad place. I’m still never gonna be 100% Miss positive. Life has upside downs, and I’ll have bad moments but that doesn’t stop me seeing how far I have come.
I feel more free than I have for a good few years. I feel more able. That makes me happy. Something so small as been able to visit people, makes me feel empowered. Makes me feel good inside. Looking back to a couple year ago I never thought I’d be able to enjoy leaving the house again. I thought my life was destined to be pretty grim. Somehow though I have removed myself from that dark hole.
Luckily I have a family now, who I can trust, and who love me for me! Granted I love my birth family. I love my birth Mother, she’s by no means perfect but she is my Mother. She helps me see differences in what I want and need in a family. I guess she has given me fight. She gave ne life anyway, what more can I say!
I have gained trust in great friends too. Some I never expected would be upto the role. Some I ask wrongly to keep big secrets. Though necessary ones. She knows who she is. I trust her with my deepest secrets. My biggest shame and fears. I have handed my memories and all to her. I am glad too because she has shown me trust is earned and that you have to take risks sometimes. Bless her heart too she hasn’t muttered a word about me to my SO or his son. I’m forever grateful for that. Just knowing she knows is such a big outlet I can’t begin to explain it.
I also have the support I need. I can ask anyone in my choice family for support and I’ll get it. No questions asked. Same with my friends. They don’t always say the right thing but they are there.
I also have my T. She used to be the centre of my world. The centre of my support system. Now however she more of a last resort. I don’t tell her most things that go on. Just stuff that plays on me. Things can upset me everyday, several times a day but I don’t always need her to say it will be okay. I have family and friends for that. It would however be good to be able to show T that me telling her I need help in between sessio s doesn’t mean im dependant just that I’m struggling with something my friends and family can’t handle. T and me are working through that though.
This past few month, I’ve actually begun being able to tell T when I’m angry with her and why. It’s not an anger an alter has to show. I can show it. I’m not so numb to it.
It’s hard, but a good hard!!
It really feels like 2015 is going to be a whole new chapter in my life. A good chapter maybe. Am I gonna be able to stay in good spirits? I dunno. What I do know though, is I’ll sure enjoy it while it lasts….
Anyway, it’s my bedtime. Almost 4am :0