Never felt so pointless

I cannot deny the way I currently feel. Like life has been sucked from my very being. Like fight has been stolen from my heart. The only want present is to quit. Quit the guilt, the hurt, the struggle. This world, the people in it, are cruel beyond recognition.

I thought I was a good person. An okay person. I thought you cared, I thought you cared for me, trusted me, but obviously that was a lie. I was just there at the time, I was of benefit to you at the time. Now you just throw me aside, disregard my feelings. Disregard how you have made me hurt.

I am soaked in boiling lava. Sheer pain and hurt. I don’t understand why this happened. I don’t understand what I did so wrong. Did I try too hard to impress you? To make you feel okay? Maybe I should have walked away in the beginning?

I cannot comprehend someone turning their back on me, you saw my message yet failed to reply. I just want to know you are okay! Despite anything, I still care for you. For Anne too, despite her sudden hatred for me, I still want her to be okay! I have always just cared. With no hidden intentions, I wanted nothing from anyone, nothing but to be liked.

You can’t allow it though, you do not trust. You do not understand my intentions, you think I am a liar. I am not a liar. I do not lie. I do not fabricate the truth. I do not make things up. I will not hurt another, just to benefit myself.

I do not know what kind of person people think I am. What reason would I have to lie about the events surrounding someones death? Much less someone I cared deeply for. Do people think that badly of me? Am I really that bad a person? I simply don’t get it!

He died, with his partner, son and Daughter in law around him. He knew he was loved, he knew he was cared about. That is what matters. Not whether Anne falsely remember holding his hand as he died, or whether it was a nurse or not who went to tell her to come say goodbye. That doesn’t matter. We were there. That’s all that is important.

Why would I lie and say I’d told Anne and Paul to come say goodbye, why would I lie in saying Anne broke down and went by the nurses when he died. What would I achieve from that? I understand that my SOs sister is getting two different stories, but she needs to look at the facts.

1.What reason do I have to lie?

2.Why isn’t she remembering the fact that Anne hasn’t handles his death then or now, so it’s viable that she broke down when he died.

3.Why hasn’t she realised that what Anne does say about that night is all muddled up, She can’t even remember the time he died.

4.Why does Danielle think her brother would agree with me and lie to her too?

I understand people are upset and confused and everything, so am I. I was before, and am now. I can’t understand!

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2 thoughts on “Never felt so pointless

  1. It sounds like a lot is going on! Sending you hugs! ❤ it'll be ok sooner or later. XX

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