Feeling lost.

I have immense support available right now but I fwwl so lonely in my thought it’s ridiculous. I can’t explain why i feel the way i do. I can’t stop it either.

It’s almost like I feel that everything is a lie. I don’t know what to or not to do. I am torn. I wanna go see a Anne and SOs sister. To make it all okay. I can’t though. Sorry won’t make this ok. I don’t even think they see that they should be sorry.

No one sees how much this hurts me. I hate to be told I am a liar. I have not lied. Not as far as I’m aware. I wouldn’t.  I just feel that people must have such a lack of trust in me.

I hate that even if this resolves itself in a few month. People are still gonna remember Anne saying what bad I have done. No one forgets someone being accused. Not my SOs sister, Annes friends or anyone. I am forever going to be branded as a liar. I cannot take that. I am not a liar.

I try so hard all the time to be the person I think others want me to be. They don’t even see it. I don’t know what to think. It’s almost like this is my punishment for allowing myself to be attached to SOs Dad. I didn’t deserve his love so i am being punished.

Why does everyone blame me? I just tried to help everyone. I tried to keep SOs dad content, i tried to make sure he had an amazing send off I tried to keep his son and daughter together. I tried. I tried to make sure Anne was happy and safe. Did I try hard enough??

I just can’t understand it. I’m trying to excuse Anne. She’s grieving and etc. This is not right though. It’s just not right.

I don’t want to face a world like this.  Where you have a punishment waiting around every corner. Even if I do good I am punished. I cannot do it anymore. What’s the point? No one is sincere.

Everything has just been a lie. Friends who are not at all, and family who can’t see past there own beliefs. I can’t do it.


4 thoughts on “Feeling lost.

  1. im so sorry. for what they did. for how you are feeling now. i know just how you feel, that there is no point in anything, because no matter what you do, you get punished, everything is out to get you.

    i wish i could help more, but here are some (((hugs))). they had no right, not any, to say what they said, or to put hands to you. it is not you–it was them.

  2. I hope things are better now. I’m sorry people called you a liar. That hurts. Sending hugs ❤

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