I have immense support available right now but I fwwl so lonely in my thought it’s ridiculous. I can’t explain why i feel the way i do. I can’t stop it either.
It’s almost like I feel that everything is a lie. I don’t know what to or not to do. I am torn. I wanna go see a Anne and SOs sister. To make it all okay. I can’t though. Sorry won’t make this ok. I don’t even think they see that they should be sorry.
No one sees how much this hurts me. I hate to be told I am a liar. I have not lied. Not as far as I’m aware. I wouldn’t. I just feel that people must have such a lack of trust in me.
I hate that even if this resolves itself in a few month. People are still gonna remember Anne saying what bad I have done. No one forgets someone being accused. Not my SOs sister, Annes friends or anyone. I am forever going to be branded as a liar. I cannot take that. I am not a liar.
I try so hard all the time to be the person I think others want me to be. They don’t even see it. I don’t know what to think. It’s almost like this is my punishment for allowing myself to be attached to SOs Dad. I didn’t deserve his love so i am being punished.
Why does everyone blame me? I just tried to help everyone. I tried to keep SOs dad content, i tried to make sure he had an amazing send off I tried to keep his son and daughter together. I tried. I tried to make sure Anne was happy and safe. Did I try hard enough??
I just can’t understand it. I’m trying to excuse Anne. She’s grieving and etc. This is not right though. It’s just not right.
I don’t want to face a world like this. Where you have a punishment waiting around every corner. Even if I do good I am punished. I cannot do it anymore. What’s the point? No one is sincere.
Everything has just been a lie. Friends who are not at all, and family who can’t see past there own beliefs. I can’t do it.