Dear T….

Hi, I want to write to you because I am kind of antsy about you right now, and I’m confused. So I saw you today, and that was nice. However I can’t help but feel like you are feeling that I maybe don’t need you so much now??

Maybe that’s not the right way of putting it. I guess I am confused. As you know I only need to hear something once to totally go off and run with it in my head making up reasons. So today I left, and then began wondering, do you feel that I son’t need you?

I guess I probably don’t. I could get on without you. I can almost guarantee that. That’s why I am continuing seeing you. I am more able now than ever to solve my issues. Less upset doesn’t mean less distress. Bear in mind, my  habits at home are a lot different to what they were when I was younger. I can’t lock myself in my room and self harm, listening to grungy music. I have responsibilities now. I can’t mope. I have little choice other than to get on with it. It’s hard though. Ignoring issues. So for one hour each week, I come to you. Rant rave and whatever.

I’ll be honest, most of the time I don’t talk about what’s troubling me. You want to know why?? Well I don’t want to be left with it when I leave. I can’t text/e-mail you. More so now than ever because almost every time I do the session after ends up in a discussion about my possible dependancy on you. That kind of grinds my gears! I understand your worries, but I don’t need reminding all the time. I worry too. The reminders though are just stopping me been able to tell you things that are wrong! I am scared of saying what’s wrong. Scared of looking like I need you!

I don’t need you, I’d still be here, I’d still be functioning if I didn’t see you. I don’t doubt that. I have immense support in my life. I can talk to Paul whenever I need to, I have friends online who I can talk about anything with and have no comeback. I have love from a Mother I chose, not that I was given. I’d do just fine without you. Granted I’d struggle, but I’d get by!

See I don’t need you, I want you. Not in a bad way. I want you because I want to put my past to bed. I want you because I can offload on you and leave the room leaving it with you. I want you because you are not my family, you are not my friend, you are an outsider. With no ties, no strings. No anything. Yes I care about you. Not in a, Oh my gosh I’m here if your sad, kind of way. In a, you are a good T and I hope you carry on being that, kind of way. No I don’t want you hurt or to be sad, but very little of my life considers you as being that. I see you as someone who only exists in that room I see you in. Your needs/wants/life doesn’t matter to me. I know that sounds heartless, I’m not. I don’t need to worry about you. Or be too attached to you.

I have no reason now to try and gain that attachment from you. I am not looking for care and comfort. I found it. I get it every time I come home. When I was younger yes I’d go home and wish you’d take me away and adopt me and make me yours forever and I’d be happy. It’s not like that now though. You are just my T. Who’s opinion I value and care about.

Okay I’ll admit, there’s probably an attachment to you, because granted I won’t see anyone but you. That’s a normal therapist client attachment though. In that I know you will help me! I am attached because I’m not convinced I could trust someone else. I don’t want to have to trust someone else! I’m sure you understand that.

I guess it seems to me, that the more I am getting comfortable around you. To do things such as hug your bear. It seems the more I am able to do that. The more you go on about me being dependant… Now I may be wrong, but I thought feeling safer around you was a good thing. Hence me being a bit confused.

Today when you mentioned cutting sessions down at some point it did kind of come as a hard blow. I did say to cut them to every 2 week. About a month before his dad died.but we started working on memories. You said you thought it would be better if we went weekly again. Just in case. So I’m even more confused. I over think. You know I do. What am I supposed to be thinking?

Am I doing the right things? I thought I was doing well. You said I was making progress. Then tell me I need to build up my support network. I’m  confused. What you say is conflicting. Super conflicting in my head. I’m not trying to make you look bad. You are amazing. As a T. I just need you to know how I feel. What is going through my head.

Not just my head either. I have everyone else’s thoughts too. Everything raging through my head. All shouting.

Tell me what I am supposed to think!

I’m sorry, by the way. I’m sorry for over thinking and everything. You said I should say how I feel. Here I’m saying it!

Bonny and group x

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