Aaargh

I hate buses!!! And because it’s rush hour, a 45 minute journey takes an hour and half. Grrr. Anywat, i just saw T.

Which is good. Although we didn’t do what i wanted to do. Because i wasnt even there half the session. An alter was.

It was an okay session. Think i need to rein in my weirdness though. At thie moment i can feel myself needing her! Well not her as such. Just comfort from her. But im unsure how best to get it.

Does that mean im becoming dependant on her? I hope not. i dont fele that i am. I just feel that something is lacking somewhere. And insiders want her to give that something. Although im pretty sure she cannot!!

I guess im just unsure. It’s difficult. I need to sort my head out though. I need to write or something to sort my feelings out and place them in some kind of order.

I joke with t that i want to use a noose on myself. I feel like joking about it is me saying help. But im not sure she realises. I dont wany to do it. But it goes through my mind. Over and over and over. I am stuck. I am not over it. I am just more able to hide the torment as time goes on.

Scratch the surface and paim just pours out. I guess i do a good job of looking okay!

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4 thoughts on “Aaargh

  1. im sure if you ask, she might be receptive to what you need. im sure she might give a hug, or a hand hold, or some sort of comfort. it cant hurt to ask her. xoxo thinking of you hon

    • She has given just that. And I think that maybe she crossed her own boundaries without realising she was doing it. And so has kinda put her guard up. For ethical reasons. She doesnt wanna be going down the route of conflict of interest

  2. i know exactly what you mean…you think about it, you desire it, but you don’t really want to do it…but you really really want someone to notice the pain you are wearing and help you. i don’t know who to get that from either. my t is great, but i don’t think she can give me what i need when i tell/show all the pain on me to her.

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