Friday 03/10/14

What a day!!!

SOs Dad is still in hospital. They presume he will be for the long haul 😦 They are thinking he maybe has a blood clot on his lung, but who knows…. They plan on doing an MRI asap. Then they’ll know more. He’s still on oxygen, and can’t breathe without it, but he’s comfortable. Although already fed up. I did the good daughter in law things and made sure SO took him puzzle books and a magazine, some pyjamas and a pack of baby wipes. I know it’s bad but I’m gonna sneak him a hip flask of brandy in tomorrow. To be honest though, think what you like, the man could never see outside that hospital, so if he wants brandy he can damn well have it! Anything to make him happier. Considering putting some films on my Tablet too, but scared of leaving it at hospital in case it get’s stolen :/:/:/ I could do with getting a cheap and crappy one from eBay! I’ll try find one.

OOPS, ended up on an eBay search haha. Talk about crappy attention span!

Anyway, other than talking about SOs Dad, I had therapy today! It was totally amazing really. I am quite pleased with myself. I got there, and asked T if we could sit on the floor because that’s what I do at home. It’s just where I like to sit. Then T and I started talking whilst I was holding the buzzers, she read out a letter I wrote the week before. That was hard to listen to. On certain bits though I realised that holding the buzzers near my ears pretty much drowned out her voice. I just couldn’t listen to her say it. She said it was hard to read too. I did it though, I sat through her reading it! Anyway we were just chatting away really. She encouraged me to get in a place I felt comfortable and safe. So I sprayed some of my perfume to overcome smell memories, cuddled her hippo for touch memories, sucked a sweet for taste memories and covered myself with Ts blanket to make myself feel less exposed and more safe. It also combat the body memory of being cold, because I hate that. Makes me shake.

It was super weird though, having the blanket over me. It was over my head, I couldn’t see T, and all she could see was her twitching blanket. It was weird not been able to see her. I didn’t know what she was doing at all. Which I guess left me kind of vulnerable. Well not guess, I know it did, but I shouldn’t think like that because that’s stupid and T wouldn’t hurt me or let anyone for that matter. So yeah “in T’s office I AM NOT VULNERABLE!” That’s good for me to even say that. T would think so, definately.

Oh I asked T for a baby wipe today too! Yup no biggy you may be thinking but it is a biggy, because I asked T to provide me with something I didn’t have. I let her see something I needed that only she could provide at that time. Does that even make sense? In my mind, I showed her that I needed her. Which might sound daft, but I don’t let others know I need what they can provide. I don’t let people see what I need or desire. That’s my defences. So I’m majorly letting my guard down with T. Majorly! It’s taken years but today I felt 99% comfortable in T’s office. I have never felt that comfortable around her. EVER!!!!! I am amazed at myself. I don’t know where the trust came from. Maybe it’s all the work she had done with other parts? I don’t even know.

I can safely say that I’m looking forward to next Friday though. I feel like I’m currently in a mood where I anticipate working on things, even though I fear what working on it brings. I guess that means I’m ready. Only thing is, I don’t want to push myself too hard. I don’t think T would let me go too far though. She’s good like that! Eurgggh Friday is ages away!!!

:(:(

OOOOH, switch thought before I go down.. Erm, some photo prints I ordered should come tomorrow, or at least I hope they do, I’ve been waiting ages! If they do I’m gonna take some to SOs Dad, cause I know they’ll be some of his dog who he must be missing like crazy!! I’ll put the rest in my new photo album too 🙂 I told SO that if we ever have a house fire, he has to get the photos first!! I’m very pro photos. Good memories mean a lot to me. It’s almost like I didn’t have many as a child so I’m trying to make up for it now. I take so many photos it’s ridiculous. I suppose I’m recreating my memories… If that makes sense. So yeah I’d be distraught if they were lost. I’m thinking about getting one of those fire-proof safes. Or is that just not necessary? I was thinking about getting a safe, and then putting it in the back of the garage, with important keep sakes in. Like photos. Exam certificates, that sort of thing… I could always buy a second one to put inside for birth certs, cash and etc. Hmmm, I’ll have to speak with SO about it. Haha. I can’t even afford 2 fire-proof safes at the minute!

On  a plus note, I finally got to buy some new bedding today. I got some a couple of days ago for SOs sons bed, because he really needed some. I’ve wanted some for ours for a while, but every one I’ve seen has been that horrible polyester. So I never got any, but I found some online today. So can’t wait for them to get here. They have red on them, So I think I’ve decided that SO and my bedroom is gonna be grey/black and red when he finally gets around to decorating it!!! Not lots of red though, because it’s a dominant colour and I don’t want that! It should be good though 🙂

Anyways, SO is giving me the eye. It’s 2am and it’s bedtime… 🙂

Laters…

Siobhan.

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