Go slow mode….

Have no energy at all today. Feel like it was all taken in yesterdays therapy session. It wasnt even that hard. But here i am and i just cannot be bothered at all.

I keep picturing myself at Ts office, sat on the floor. Knees to my chest, hugging her hippo with a blanket hiding me. That’s where i want tp be right now. Safe with T. I’ve never even seen if T has a blanket. I’ve never even sat on the floor but i just feel like i need to. I’m telling myself i should do this next session. A big part of me wants to. That’s okay too i think. Maybe it would be rude to hide under a blanket while I’m talking to T. Maybe that’s what i need to do to be able to talk about certain things though? Or maybe it’s the little that want that. As security almost.

I’m not sure how I’ll feel though about being in such a vulnerable position. Where i can’t see what T is doing. I trust her though so maybe I’d be okay. I guess I’m just feeling needy. As well as cold and exposed. Like i need to be wrapped up and smothered with safety. Can i get that from T though or is that totally beyond boundaries?? Me more than anyone doesnt want to be close to T. It’s hard not to be but i don’t want to need her. Yes she keeps me safe whilst i am with her but beyond that she’s just my T. I just see her once a week. She holds no credability over my safety or comfort really at all. But i don’t mind that. The therapy relationship is hard though. Difficult to dive into. Whilst o understand boundaries my natural instinct is to break them. Almost like an accomplishment. Showing myself T did that for me because she cares. So the more boundaries she crosses the more she cares. Why do i even need that though? To see that she cares? Is that just the child in me wanting to be teachers favourite??

I know T cares anyway. If she doesn’t then she’s crazier than i am because she doesnt get any benefit, financial or otherwise from helping me. I guess that says a lot about her. Either insane or just a nice person. She is a little out there sometimes which makes me laugh, but by no means is she insane. Just a nice person.

Where am i even going with this? I don’t even know…. just rambling on i guess. It’s better than what I’ve bee  thinking all day though. I still cant believe i gave T that letter. I wish i hadn’t. I must be super crazy.

Im going. My eyes keep going really heavy and i cant concentrate.

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6 thoughts on “Go slow mode….

  1. as i have been feeling recently the same as you describe–i want someone to ‘take care of me’ to really care about me and help me through. my t is the only one that comes close, but like you said, there are boundaries there. maybe those of us abused by parents, family, never got ‘taken care of’ and we are still looking for that, and we deserve it, but where do we get it?

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