I’m brave, or stupid?!?!?!?!

I know I haven’t written for a while but I had a moment of crazyness. On facebook with my father…. Here it is.

 

Hiya x
 
Hi
 
D…

how’s you n yours ?
 
ME…
Fine thanks. U
 
D…

Fine n dandy
 
D…

Siobhan baby, it feels like I;m talking to a stranger .. your my daughter , n I’m ya Dad n we can’t change that….come on be reet x
 
ME…
Be right??? Really. How many times have you been asked to be right only to go off and be exactly as you want? At some point everything will be ok. But now isnt that time
 
D…

Hope I’m around to see it…I’m not getting any younger you no…. its bin over 5 years now … how long do you wanna punish me for x
 
ME…
I know your not getting any younger. And its not a case of punishing you. Did you even realise what you did wrong???
 
D…

yes i lost me daughter
 
ME…
Why?
 
D…

cos dads get it wrong, even when they thought they were totally right. thought i new what was best for you
 
ME…
No you lost me cause everything mounted up. Instead of support you screamed and shouted when i needed you most. Instead of understanding youade me feel worse and like i was bad because i could fight you off so i should him too. Sitting on your teenage daughter to prove she could have got away is not right! Out casting your child because they were feeling depressed and needed therapy is not whats best. Coming home pissed up and having a grope yourself when im in bed with your step son is not right. Strip searching a teenager to check to cuts is not normal. Then expecting everything to be okay?? And you wonder why my head was a mess. You didn’t help. You made me think i was bad. You made me think i should have tried harder to protect myself. When you should have suppprted me. You hated me. And dont deny it! Don’t say its all in the past because it isnt. Its now. It effects my life now. It effects how i feel now. Most of what you did wasn’t best for me. When you can understand where you fucked up and apologise then i can maybe bring myself to try for you. But right now i hate you. I hate the way thinking of you makes me feel. Iv tried to just forget and forgive you. But i can’t. You went a step too far. Then you called paul a paedophile?? What the hell am i meant to think?? Tell me??
 
D…

WHAT…..! I need to digest all this..
 
ME…
digest away!
 
ME…
As you are “digesting” things already, maybe i ought to add the following too…. regarding you and what you believed was looking out for me, lets not forget that you were willing to let social services take me into a hostel miles away when i tried to kill myself. And the fact that no matter what i did, it was never enough. You always, i mean always found something to get at. Whether it be what i wore, my hair, how i ate my food, how i spoke, what i said, the way i carried myself, what music i liked, who my friends were. Everything was something you didn’t like. And damn i tried to make you happy. I did everything you wanted me to. I cleaned, babysat, everything. I wasn’t a bad kid. I was home when i was told and did as i was told. Yeah i stepped out of line talking to that girl from the internet. And i smoked a few fags. But that is all I ever did that was wrong! I sorted myself out. I behaved. But you… Well you made everyone think i was a liar. I wasn’t a liar. I reported you to the therapist because what you were doing was wrong. I reported you because i finally wanted to be taken away from you. To be safe. Away from your pissed up groping and inappropriate ways of showing me i was strong enough to save myself. I wasn’t though. I wasn’t strong at all. I couldn’t fight you off and you knew it. And loved that fact!!! Don’t deny it. Don’t call me a liar. You may have been pissed. You may think you don’t remember but i do. And nobody put it all into my head! The thing is i don’t have to let you get under my skin anymore. Or do anything else to mess up my head. You aren’t in control now. I am! Maybe i am punishing you. But in my eyes ignorance isn’t punishment enough. I used to feel guilty, for having nothing to do with you. But now i wonder, do you feel guilty?? For what you have done? For what you have put us all through. Do you feel guilty for beating my mother and us? For being manipulative, cruel and plain hard faced. For playing a massive part in screwing my head up? Do you feel guilty for making me question whether sexual contact with you father is normal. For making me feel like it would be easier to just die? See you just get to forget. To tell everyone i lied. That I’m a drama queen. I don’t have that privilege. I am stuck with it. So yeah damn right I’m mad at you! I don’t trust you one single little bit! Am i sorry? Yeah, that your actions happened, but for “punishing” you? Hell no. Maybe fairness means it’s your turn to hurt??
 
 
I haven’t heard back from him yet! He’s a coward! Am I a bad person for saying this to him?  Personally I feel proud of myself. I feel empowered!
 
I finally feel like I don’t need to lie about him anymore!!! That’s gotta be good right….
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4 thoughts on “I’m brave, or stupid?!?!?!?!

  1. Wow!! Congrats!!! No I do not think what you wrote was wrong at all, I think it was brave!!!
    No more lies.. what could be more freeing than that? whatever he’s reply is, if he sents one please don’t let him take away these emotions.. don’t let him make you feel small or bad in any way.. and if he does, please share and maybe we could help ;o) the truth and standing up for oneself is NEVER wrong! way to go!!!

  2. if i could ‘like’ this a hundred times, i would! YOU ARE WOMAN, HEAR YOU ROAR!! you have done NOTHING wrong, not then, not now, not on FB. you have faced your abuser, and named him for what he is, for what he did, and told the world. you have taken back your life and now it is yours to control. Yay sister! you are awesome! ( btw, I am no contact with my mom, for about 7 yrs now, so, i know a bit about how hard this is.).

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