So T and I have been working hard using EMDR to process memories and thoughts. We are doing awesome!!
We have processed a big belief I had which was “I was a slut child” I believed that was the main reason I was sexually abused, because I was simply slutty, and brought it on myself by encouraging men to do those things to me. How a child encourages a grown man, I don’t know. Anyway, I know that’s a silly belief now! I can’t believe that, I was sexually abused because I was a vulnerable child, and I was an easy target… In no way did I encourage a grown man, even if I were to, as an adult he should have been responsible, and refused any sexual advances, but he did not. Alas, there’s is nothing I can do about that now, other than heal.
Anyway, I am happy to have stopped my slut child belief. It feels like there is a void in my mind where that thought should be but it simply isn’t. I was sceptical about using EMDR but with Ts help, it is working!! We are getting somewhere.
I am becoming comfortable with using EMDR, as is everyone inside. I know some say it isn’t good to use with DID, but it works for us, T kind of looks out for switching, and will work with others too. She just seems to adapt to whatever I say or do. She’s good like that. I have noticed though, that when we are doing EMDR I remember things I haven’t before. Then in between sessions I seem to be flitting through memories I don’t know in my mind. It’s strange. the picture of my past is becoming clearer!
Yesterday T and I were working on a memory, and I got to a certain part in my mind, where I remembered myself sat alone, in a room, sat in a big leather chair, I was fully clothed. Picking at my fingers, feeling lost, and confused. I was bored, I’d been there a while. so I started surveying the room. I didn’t realise until that moment, how much of that room I actually remember. It was dark, because there was a thick curtain, I could see my hands, because the chair was right by the way, but across the room was hard to see. But I could see the silhouette of what looked like a desk, there were bookshelves beside it, with what looked like books or folders on, I couldn’t tell 100%. The books were all the same size. On other shelves was clutter. Stuff just put there and left, in no order. There was a small lamp on the desk, and paperwork cluttering the surface, along with a box that looked closed. The floor had clothes or linen all over it. It was tidy. There was a bed in the corner, against the same wall as the chair I was sat in. It was unmade. The room had a smell of sweat and foisty wet dog… Strangely because there were no dogs.
I never realised how much I remembered!! I guess it’s all part and parcel though!!
All I can say really today is I am immensely proud of myself!!
Now I’m gonna go because writing details of that room is making me swtchy….