An update to be proud of!!

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So T and I have been working hard using EMDR to process memories and thoughts. We are doing awesome!! 

TW

We have processed a big belief I had which was “I was a slut child” I believed that was the main reason I was sexually abused, because I was simply slutty, and brought it on myself by encouraging men to do those things to me. How a child encourages a grown man, I don’t know. Anyway, I know that’s a silly belief now! I can’t believe that, I was sexually abused because I was a vulnerable child, and I was an easy target… In no way did I encourage a grown man, even if I were to, as an adult he should have been responsible, and refused any sexual advances, but he did not. Alas, there’s is nothing I can do about that now, other than heal.

END TW

Anyway, I am happy to have stopped my slut child belief. It feels like there is a void in my mind where that thought should be but it  simply isn’t. I was sceptical about using EMDR but with  Ts help, it is working!! We are getting somewhere. 

I am becoming comfortable with using EMDR, as is everyone inside. I know some say it isn’t good to use with DID, but it works for us, T kind of looks out for switching, and will work with others too. She just seems to adapt to whatever I say or do. She’s good like that. I have noticed though, that when we are doing EMDR I remember things I haven’t before. Then in between sessions I seem to be flitting through memories I don’t know in my mind. It’s strange. the picture of my past is becoming clearer!

TW

Yesterday T and I were working on a memory, and I got to a certain part in my mind, where I remembered myself sat alone, in a room, sat in a big leather chair, I was fully clothed. Picking at my fingers, feeling lost, and confused. I was bored, I’d been there a while. so I started surveying the room. I didn’t realise until that moment, how much of that room I actually remember. It was dark, because there was a thick curtain, I could see my hands, because the chair was right by the way, but across the room was hard to see. But I could see the silhouette of what looked like a desk, there were bookshelves beside it, with what looked like books or folders on, I couldn’t tell 100%. The books were all the same size. On other shelves was clutter. Stuff just put there and left, in no order. There was a small lamp on the desk, and paperwork cluttering the surface, along with a box that looked closed. The floor had clothes or linen all over it. It was tidy. There was a bed in the corner, against the same wall as the chair I was sat in. It was unmade. The room had a smell of sweat and foisty wet dog… Strangely because there were no dogs.

END TW

I never realised how much I remembered!! I guess it’s all part and parcel though!!

 

All I can say really today is I am immensely proud of myself!!

Now I’m gonna go because writing details of that room  is making me swtchy….

Laters

 

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4 thoughts on “An update to be proud of!!

  1. My therapist is scared of using EMDR on me because we might switch and he doesnt want to put the kids or others through it if they come out. How do your therapists handle switching?

    • Slowly…. She allows them to have their moment using EMDR too. We have a really good relationship with T, all of us, and we’ve worked hard at helping ourselves all work together, it isn’t always easy, but my T is fortunately very patient and understanding.

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