It was a difficult session today. I told T some things I’ve never told her before. She has asked a few times but I always denied it. I haven’t admitted it to anyone. It really pains me to have admitted to this stuff to T. What must she think of me??
I guess the reason I had denied my Father been sexually abusive up until now is because of shame. There are so many more emotions surrounding my Father than the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Anger, sadness, hurt, fear, the list is endless!!! It is so much harder to accept it happening. I can’t even believe I told T! Right now I wish I could take it back!!! She’s going to want to work on it, and I’m just not ready. I can’t talk about it. My brain is so busy blocking the memories, and everything that comes with them!
I also told T how the sexual abuse from my Father came about. How part of me blames her for it! How I’m angry at her for that, even though I know it isn’t her fault. Shivon hates her for it. She refuses to have anything to do with her! T understood though and said it is okay to be angry with her. That she wishes she could have done more. At one point she mentioned saving all the kids and taking them home, she doesn’t realise that’s exactly what I wanted her to do. She was supposed to save me! I tried, I told her my Father was touching me inappropriately. Then she tried, she contacted social services, but she couldn’t do any more! I just need to get over that, that they let me go back!!! That just, I don’t know that’s a big issue with me! Even though I know reasons surrounding it. I just can’t forget the system been a major let down….
I also managed to tell my T some of the things my Father said to me when he was being abusive. He said it would continue to happen throughout my life. If I wasn’t being fucked by a person, I would be getting fucked by something or someone else. That’s the sort of person I was. Putting myself into those situations. It’s because I was a bad person! T noted some of that down, then she said maybe my Father was abused as a child, which I don’t think he was! If he was that doesn’t make understanding any easier! Then she said, “sometimes it isn’t all about you” which I maybe took out of context but what the fuck is that meant to mean. It isn’t all about me!!! So T that was a fuck ass comment and we want to know what you meant!
Anyway my Father wasn’t a nice person. I guess it was only a matter of time before beating me wasn’t enough! Shit happens? I wish I had been more able to talk to T about it when I was young. To save myself!
I’m glad my Father never succeeded in stopping me seeing T when I was young. I needed her. She was all I had. Now she understands more why! She has pretty much been the longest constant in my life. Someone that’s never harmed me. Someone who cares and someone who I know will never hurt me purposely. She’s something special I guess, and I am lucky to have a T like her.
It was a hard session. We actually went over for the first time since I started seeing her again! Then when I was going T said she would like to give me a hug, and then T hugged me :0:0 for the first time ever!! It was very very weird. I kind of didn’t know what to do, but it was nice. It was a good way to end the session. I guess it just shows I can be closer to T and trust her more because she’s just safe and caring. So that’s that.
I’ll write more tomorrow. Time to chill! Feel tired.