Had a good session with T today. We started off talking about just random things based around my whole not wanting to look stupid. She’d read my post yesterday and commented on how I said I like to wear more clothes. So we touched on that a little. T is just trying to work out what we should work on, she suggested the feeling stupid stuff or the pain associated with endometriosis and being a trigger stuff. I think we’ll start on feeling stupid.
I am doing okay with it T said. She said she is seeing me do things I didn’t before like asking for stuff. Like the tape last week, and I asked for some blutack this week to make blutack men. She didn’t have any but she is going to get some. She said it’s good I can say whe I want things. I struggle to do it though! It’s not just a simple ask.
T and I also talked about being the centre of attention at christmas and birthdays etc. I told he I hate those times of year because I really struggle accepting gifts, and having lots of attention on myself. Which she understood and sai is quite normal for not only someone with my past but also other people with easier lives. That wasn’t how she worded it but it’s pretty much what she said. She even said she doesn’t like some certain things like that herself, such as been sang happy birthday to in a restaurant, which SOs mum insists on making happen every year. Embarassing me every year! It’s heartfelt though.
I fiddled with Ts geomag things again today too. I made a shape and then T made it look like a carousel. If I’m honest it ws pretty inspiring. T said she is rubbish at making things with the magnets, and that she can’t get them to do what she wants. I think she just trying to make it look like I should do it cause I’m better or something, Ts have some crazy tactics don’t they. She’s radged anyway so who knows!
Oh I touched Ts hippo today too. She wss making some notes on the feeling stupid and asked what we could use to focus on to bring the feelings up, and jokingly I said her hippo because she used to mention it and it would make me cringe. Then T asked if I wanted to touch it or something and I said part of me does part of me doesn’t. So T just put it on my lap and asked me to touch it and I did!!
I think I was having a weird moment though because I almost felt like a child but I hadn’t switched. I was sat on her couch with my head rested against the back rest thing. I could feel that I was small. A child. With a younger, more needy voice. It’s almost like fulfilling the wishes and talking about them reverted me back to when I should have done those things in the first place.
At least I was chilled at Ts though. I’m not usually that chilled. She didn’t say anything about it. So she either didn’t think anything of it. Or didn’t want to draw attention to what I was doing because she knew it would deter me from doing it again. As I see any attention to anything I do as negative attention.
Still, it was a good session! I am looking forward to next week. I hope T remembers to fetch something to make some little men 🙂 I’m gonna make one and make her sit it on her shelf and make her promise to leave it there until the next session…
I’m going to sleep now. It’s almost 3am and I’m super tired.
Goodnight everyone. Keep well. Xx