I am feeling good. I am looking forward to seeing T tomorrow. Well today as it’s 1.30am. I can’t wait to talk to her and see her kind and sincere face. Is thag bad? Wanting so badly to see her? Is that too attached?
If it is, well at this moment I don’t care! She’s our T and we can feel however we want to!
T answered our wish during the week. She sent us a photo of herself. We have wanted one for ages. It feels good to finally have it to look at when we feel real bad. It’s a good reminder of now and not the past. I’m glad my T could send us it!
14.5 hours until I see T! I hope it isn’t super warm like it was today because I hate wearing clothes that make me less covered up and I don’t wanna look stupid in a jumper type top! I almost feel naked and exposed if I’m not wrapped in multiple layers when I’m with T talking.
T has a blanket and she often offers it to me to wrap up in but I think I’d feel stupid if I took it. Would I feel less stupid doing that than feeling exposed though? I wish I could just do stuff without worrying about it. I wish I didn’t care how I looked.
It would be nice to be able to get comfort from things T has like her blanket or hippo or whatever but I dunno, I just can’t do it. Sometimes I wish T and I could sit on the floor and like hold each others hands face to face to chat. So I’m staying in now and not the past but I don’t know how to tell T it feels like I need that kind of interaction. Is it even an okay interaction?
What’s worse is even if T sees this post and asks if I want to I’ll deny it. Even though I’d like to. She’d have to physically do it herself then ask me to join her. Well insist I join her. I don’t think T will do that though.
She doesn’t want to force us to do anything that might damage or upset the system and my alters. Sometimes though I guess she just has to take the chance. I wish she’d really encourage me to do things. Like really encourage it.
I almost feel like she needs to force me to do stuff. To make me do it so I can feel how it feels to be doing it and see her reaction. I feel like she has to make me feel how I don’t want to feel. Like she really needs to be tough with me and be forceful before I can consider overcoming things.
What do I know though. My thoughts may be totally wrong.
Time to go I think… bedtime soon.