Excited feelings.

I am feeling good. I am looking forward to seeing T tomorrow. Well today as it’s 1.30am. I can’t wait to talk to her and see her kind and sincere face. Is thag bad? Wanting so badly to see her? Is that too attached? 

If it is, well at this moment I don’t care! She’s our T and we can feel however we want to!

T answered our wish during the week. She sent us a photo of herself. We have wanted one for ages. It feels good to finally have it to look at when we feel real bad. It’s a good reminder of now and not the past. I’m glad my T could send us it!

14.5 hours until I see T! I hope it isn’t super warm like it was today because I hate wearing clothes that make me less covered up and I don’t wanna look stupid in a jumper type top! I almost feel naked and exposed if I’m not wrapped in multiple layers when I’m with T talking.

T has a blanket and she often offers it to me to wrap up in but I think I’d feel stupid if I took it. Would I feel less stupid doing that than feeling exposed though? I wish I could just do stuff without worrying about it. I wish I didn’t care how I looked.

It would be nice to be able to get comfort from things T has like her blanket or hippo or whatever but I dunno, I just can’t do it. Sometimes I wish T and I could sit on the floor and like hold each others hands face to face to chat. So I’m staying in now and not the past but I don’t know how to tell T it feels like I need that kind of interaction. Is it even an okay interaction?

What’s worse is even if T sees this post and asks if I want to I’ll deny it. Even though I’d like to. She’d have to physically do it herself then ask me to join her. Well insist I join her. I don’t think T will do that though. 

She doesn’t want to force us to do anything that might damage or upset the system and my alters. Sometimes though I guess she just has to take the chance. I wish she’d really encourage me to do things. Like really encourage it.

I almost feel like she needs to force me to do stuff. To make me do it so I can feel how it feels to be doing it and see her reaction. I feel like she has to make me feel how I don’t want to feel. Like she really needs to be tough with me and be forceful before I can consider overcoming things.

What do I know though. My thoughts may be totally wrong.

Time to go I think… bedtime soon.

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5 thoughts on “Excited feelings.

  1. Hey 🙂

    I’m not saying your T *would* feel able to do those things (some of them would very much depend on which model she follows – the one I am training in is person-centred which doesn’t believe in directing clients to one way or the other), but it’s perfectly ok to say to her the things you’ve said here. It’s ok to talk about a) how you feel about her and b) what you think might work for you.

    When I see clients, if they think one things would work over another, I’m always happy to hear that and always happy to talk it through 🙂

  2. Having a secure attachment with your T is so important with D.I.D, but it`s an understandable fear of getting “too” attached. Am hoping this is something you (or, one of you) are able to discuss with her, sometime so that you all feel safe within that attachment.

    Hmm, multiple layers! Most of me are similar and will hide under scarves/hoodies in T and to me, it just feels safer not to be too exposed, if you get what I mean.

    We`ve had similar thoughts of wishing our T`s could hold our hand, etc but like you would never ask, and it would almost have to be “forced” on us, which could also be seen as being abusive for some of us. So, I think that when you are able to ask for that kind of physical contact will be the right time for it to happen. It obviously depends on how your T works. Like I know one of our would be very, very unlikely to do that, but the other possibly would but we (me) now understand that while its something some of me need more than anything, it`s also something too full of fear for others, so any physical grounding / comfort has to come from ourselves.

    Can relate so, so much to this post so thank you for sharing it with us, and all the best for the session.

    xxx

    • Attachments are something T keeps an eye on. To make sure I don’t get too attached. If she fears we are becoming too dependant she will talk about It with us. We do feel safe with our attachments. T is very good at keeping safe boundaries and is learning us what is and isn’t a good attachment.

      I’m glad it’s not just me who wants to layer up and am glad you can understand that.

      T had read my blog post and mentioned today that I am getting better at asking for things. She is also looking more at how we ask or hint at things we want or need. She said she won’t force us to do anything but if she can see we want to but daren’t she will encourage us. I don’t know when I’ll be able to ask for physical contact though. That feels a million miles away. Too many parts are scared of being touched. Despite them knowong they’d get comfort from it.

      Thanks for your comment 🙂

  3. I’m glad your t read your blog. She sounds like she makes the time for you even outside of session when she is able too! You should really consider asking to go down on the floor, its really therapeutic to do that for the kids! At least it has been for us! XXX

    • I am glad T reads my blog too. She reads it in the week if I ask her to. Then usually in the afternoon before I go see her she checks it. It’s a good guide for what we need to talk about that session.
      Due to her reading my blog today I managed to play with her geomagnets again, and touch her hippo bear 🙂 it was fab.

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