I am in a weird time right now. Both my mental and physical health are really testing me. I am finding that my physical issues are playing havoc on my mental state.
Constantly finding myself triggered. With very upset insiders who are fearful of abusers return.
Endometriosis is my physical problem. I have to go through the symptoms of it on my fertility journey but if I’m honest it’s killing me! The pain is almost unbearable. I keep feeling a single tear run down my cheek. I’m not sure whether it’s even the pain causing it or the fear.
All i do know is the pain I feel now is almost the same as the pain on childhood. It really hurts. I am questioning whether a child of my own is worth this. This mental and physical torture.
It’s sapping me of every bit of fight I have and of every bit of energy I have to get myself and my parts through this period of time. I am struggling to console my child alters regarding the pain when I am being scared by it myself. How can I say they are safe if I don’t even feel that way myself?
My head is a whirlwind of memories, emotions and anxiety. How do I make it easier? I took pills, despite my fear of them, they do nothing to stop the pain. Just like in the past it doesn’t stop the pain. Just paralyses me so I’m trapped. Feeling numb as a person.
I hate this time… I hate not being able to be free. Let my alters have their time. They hate it too but I cannot make them deal with this constant pain. They cannot do it. They are too raw.
So what do I do? How can I stop the pain, the torture? How do I convince myself and my alters we are safe. Are we even safe?
It’s difficult and I am struggling. I feel like I need a bit of help.