To our T! (Trigger warning)

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We have been thinking about you some today. Just passing thoughts and stuff. Nat has done nothing but say how good you are, just because you gave us a piece of tape. It meant a lot that you searched your office until you found some. It means a lot that you did it without needing to know why. To Nat it does anyway. She knows it was a sincere gesture and not to gain trust for the wrong reasons. she likes that. 

We just remembered too. That you said you’d seen our page of requests/wants. We don’t recall you mentioning the fact that Jessie has had us include that he wants a photo of you though. He does wonder why. I’m not going to explain why to him. You can because i think he has a genuine reason for wanting it, and see no problem with it. However I think you’ll see it differently. That’s a bit up front for us isn’t it…. Keyboard warrior syndrome 😉 

It makes me happier that i asked if you were mad at my Mother yesterday. I kind of feel like everyone shrugs it off, and no one but me is angry with her for things she has done. Seeing everyone, including you kind of shrug her behaviour off just make me feel like I’m over reacting! Like I’m being unreasonable towards her. If you think that then say! Maybe I should feel this way anyway, just exaggerating things! Total bad girl I am. We all feel the same though, except the kids. We are all mad at her, and we want you to be mad at her. Not to do anything, but just to show that I dunno, you are mad at her. When people are bad, they get told off, punished and people are mad at them. Well my Mother did bad, but it’s me who is being punished, told off and having people mad at me! How’s that work. If what you say is true and none of us deserve the badness, then who else is to blame? Who else is there to be mad at? Just be mad at her. If your not mad at her you must be mad at us, and I don’t want you mad at us. Cause if you are mad at us for over reacting about her then just say cause it is all right the things I said about her. So if you are mad at me then i don’t know what to do. Cause you said I am not bad, so you that means you shouldn’t be mad. Maybe you are though!

You know I just don’t like my Mum very much, and I don’t like my Dad either. I know I said that all the stuff with social care and etc was in the past, and forgotten about. I kinda can’t not be pissed about it though. Not just at people who you worked with then, but at myself too. I am partly to blame. I can remember a little more now. I know when you got social services involved that you said if I wanted to report my Dad to the police it would take matters further but I refused to. So again it’s my fault. You did want to save me, and the people who you worked with did but I didn’t let them. That’s a major flaw with the social services system though. How on earth is a child or teenager supposed to go about reporting their own father for being abusive. I came and told you what happened in confidence, knowing you would have to tell someone, even though I begged you not to! If I hadn’t wanted social workers to know I wouldn’t have told you. I wasn’t stupid. I finally grew some balls and told you. I felt like I was going to be okay at that moment. When you said you had to report it, and I thought about it I thought I was really going to be okay, and be saved. However, like I said the system is flawed. Upon telling you my Father was abusive I wasn’t saved I was allowed back home, to dread him getting a call or letter from social services. I had time to worry. To fear for my life. For what he would do to me for telling you! It came too, and he did as I feared. He hated me, hated me so bad. I knew it too. That was some serious beating for that. Then I come see you, lips tightly resealed by my Father and you and your people say I should report him to the police if I want it to go further. I just want you to know why I couldn’t. 

All I knew was that I blabbed, then got sent home, my dad found out I blabbed I got a beating, nothing happened, I didn’t get saved, I had to go back home to him! So do tell me why any child would be expected to report an abusive parent to the police when they get sent home after doing so to be punished for being apparently ‘brave’? I couldn’t go to the police. He would have killed me! There was no evidence I would have been sent back home! To be abused by him even worse, physically and whatever! I was begging inside for you to make me go report him. Begging like never before, everyone inside wanted to, prayed that we would get the strength to, but how could we? It would be like jumping into the middle of the ocean, and trying to swim to shore without training, yeah we might make it alive, but we probably wouldn’t! I so so so bad wish I could have done it. Been taken away from him so I could. By the time it got serious with social services my Dad had got his way with me. With fists, words and whatever, to make sure I said no more about him! He couldn’t stop me seeing you, damn he tried, but he knew social wouldn’t like that. So he had me well versed instead! I hope you don’t think it just stopped after I told you? Fear I’d tell never entered his mind. If anything he had more power because I knew no matter what no one would believe me enough to do anything anyway. He knew I wouldn’t risk it again. 

Maybe it’s my fault for not being ‘brave’. How many beating was I supposed to take though? Before I was ‘saved’? How long was I going to be sent home for in between social workers investigations? The system is flawed, it makes no wonder kids do not tell anyone when the are being abused at home! When a child cries out for help, they should be taken seriously, not sent home! That’s my view anyway! Hey ho! 

Anyway that’s just the past isn’t it? You know I kind of feel like we are just a toy. All through our life. Being played with by whoever, stress relief for whoever! There is no wonder I am a mess. No wonder I have DID. The worst thing is I don’t even know everything! I almost wish my whole life was a dream, so I could stop whining about it. I feel like I am being dramatic. Like I don’t deserve this say, after all who am I? we are just little people. It all hurts thought, hurts too much to keep it all in! I wish I could shut up and ignore it, but I am bursting at the seams, with memories, worries, alters, triggers, everything! Why so screwed up?

I don’t want to feel like a toy any more. None of us are a toy. For anyone! 

You know what’s bad right now? I am in a constant state of being triggered! To the postman! Endometriosis is a bitch, and I am gonna be in this shitty place for the next few days! How come everything has been so bad? When does it just be okay??? No pain, triggers, badness? 

You know what, I feel super low. Rock bottom low. Call it hormones or whatever, but I just had reminiscent thoughts of real SH, and found them soothing. Hate my parents! 

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2 thoughts on “To our T! (Trigger warning)

  1. im so so sorry for what all of you have gone thru, and are still going thru. i hope you know that now the T you have is safe and doesnt blame you and knows you are good and that people hurt you. you are right, it is terrible that a child who is strong enough to stand up to his parents and their abuse, should be sent right back into that home again. most children cant even think of doing anything to hurt their abusive parents, because they are the only mom and dad and home they have, even if its all awful, they are afraid to lose it, and afraid of even worse if they tell. im so sorry for how all this has hurt you, left its mark on you even today. but you are strong, you did survive it, you are safe now, and you are healing. dont give up, keep working it, keep on with T. it is a bit better now than it was then, and it will be even better in the future than it is now. hang in there!

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