Today was a long day. This afternoon SO and i had to go to my Niece Elodies 1st birthday party. Obviously all family were there, Mother, Aunts and etc. It was okay really. It has been easier dealing with my Mother now that i have made sure everyone keeps their guard in, and now all of us know she is fake. We kind of pity her, and right now it’s working for us. Apparently people need to have some form of relationship with their Mothers… So i am trying to keep blinkers on and see past her bullshit, and forget the past. Easier said than done but hey ho! Anyway the party went okay. My Nieces Mum liked the gifts i bought, and Elodie had a good birthday party!
After the party SO and I went to his Dads, because SO needed to do some quick garden jobs, and then we went and did the offices. It didn’t take long, we were home by 5.30. My friend ended up calling in for an hour. Which was nice, and my Aunt who had been at the party visited with her girlfriend. It is good to see them.
We got to talking about my Mother, this is where the “confirmation” thing comes from, anyway my Aunts girlfriend was saying how they always knew things weren’t right for me at home. That they always knew i was unsafe, uncared for and unwanted. She said they had wanted to remove me from my Mother but couldn’t. They said that instead they tried to get me away from her and my Dad as much as possible, but that they knew it wasn’t enough. My Aunt said I was never treat the same as my brothers and sisters, I was always the outsider. She said they remembered me never having toys, whilst my siblings did, and that they remembered my parents always mocking me. Using me as something to be laughed at. She said she will always remember me being at her house with her daughter at around 13/14. I was trying to play with my cousin, playing with her dolls, and my Mother came and told me i was being stupid, and told me i was been a baby, that i shouldn’t be playing with toys like a baby, laughing at me. Obviously I stopped playing. My Aunts both hated my Mother for how she treat me, and how she allowed my Father to treat me. My Aunts also said she had tried many times to have it out with my Dad after I reported him, and they tried to make my Mother leave when he was being abusive towards me, but that she wouldn’t.
I also learned why my Mother would never come to therapy or anything with me. She told them it was because she wasn’t going to let anyone blame her. She wasn’t going to let them point the finger at her. That’s why she didn’t go, I don’t know whether she was ashamed, or whether she was just in denial, but she apparently told them i was a lost cause anyway, and it wasn’t her fault I was like that. So I was right, and she didn’t care! My Aunt said she knew things were going off though, and that they knew i’d be in therapy for a long time because of how I was brought up.
I just couldn’t believe they knew things were going on, but didn’t help me when I reported it! They could have helped to save me from it! Yeah they tried to help but could they have done more???
I am glad they confirmed some things though, i was beginning to doubt how i remembered things. I was beginning to think I just exaggerated it all in my head. Confirmation is good, because now my partner knows I am not lying. He knows it’s all the truth. I’m not just attention seeking.
I hate the truth of my Mother, my childhood and etc, but i am glad for the confirmation!
Now to tell T I think i know why I don’t know how to play, and think doing anything like that is stupid, and will make people laugh at me and stuff!!!
Now i am just listening to music. Could have a real good chat with T right now!!