Feel good.

I had a therapy session today after having last week off due to Easter and stuff. I was worried about going. I always am after a week off, but I needn’t have worried. It was brilliant.

Today I am grateful to my T for encouraging me to touch and play with her magnet things. It may sound like something stupid and small but it means the world to me. I actually touched and used something of T’s. That is something I struggle with.

It felt strange, but it was good. I was okay. Nothing bad happened because I let T see another side of me. A side of me we all do everything to protect and keep safe. It is difficult to let go and has made me feel on top of the world because I was able to!!! I’m not sure T even realises how hard it was!!

I really had to focus hard to do it and not stop. T was talking to me but I didn’t hear her. I couldn’t stop thinoing of the fact that she was paying so much attention to what I was doing. Worst thing is I had painted my nails the evening before, and I kept telling myself they looked ridiculous and T was noticing that! I always think any attention I get is over something negative.

Everything is always negative isn’t it. T said she was just watching what I was making, not me making it. I think today is one of the only times where T has seen me concentrate on something other than the actual therapy, her room, her or my alters. I guess the magnets were therapy in a way!

T briefly talked about attachments today. I didn’t really understand what she was on about. She said I will learn attachments. Thatsl our brains can be retrained and missing the important things like that in childhood don’t shape us forever. I don’t get attachments though. What’s right and what’s wrong? I thought I shouldn’t get attached but T said I need to learn attachments and I can in therapy, but I’m not supposed to be too attached to her. So that’s confusing!!! I do want to go back though. Learn the things I should have learned as a child.

Maybe then I’ll be able to understand and trust better. I dunno. I told T today that I didn’t know how to play. It’s true I don’t. I never got chance to when I was little. I had to grow up too soon. How do you just play? I imagine it’s just a carefree where nothing matters. Is it? I don’t know if I can do that. Can someone be taught to play? Play scares me. I feel like play is weak, like it will leave me vulnerable whilst I am doing it. I’d like to be careless though I just don’t know how I’d even get there.

What does it feel like to play? How do you do it? How do you start it? What’s playing and what’s being bad? What’s right and what’s wrong? What should be played with and what shouldn’t.  What if I break something. Playing breaks things. I am technically a toy… a play thing! I am broken. Will I break everything? 

Play confuses me, attachments confuse me.

I wish I was little. Carefree without all of these fear, worries and memories!!!

I think next week T and us are gonna start memory work again. It will be good to talk more. I like to talk.

I am looking forward to seeing T next week ๐Ÿ™‚ I think I missed her last week.

So yeah… thanks T for today and making it okay to mess with your magnets things for a bit. It was good.

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8 thoughts on “Feel good.

  1. i know what you mean, not knowing how to play, how to do things you should have learned when a child. my thing now is not knowing how to be a grown up, for real i mean–i know how to pretend to be one, but not really how to be a grown up. all i ever did was pretend to be how people told me to be.

    anyway glad you had such a good appointment, and im sure youll keep figuring out how to do those things you never did.

    • Glad I’m not alone in the confusion!! Thats the trouble for people like us. We always have to pretend. Guess how we should be without knowing for sure :/

      I’m glad I had a good t session too :):)

      • Hi Bee, does t have other toys? Do you think maybe you could write a blog post or an email to her asking her for a loan of one of her other toys? Iโ€™m sure sheโ€™d give you a loan of one of them. Do you have any toys? Would bonnie buy you a coloring book. Or something?

      • She has lots of toys but we don’t play with them cause we aren’t allowed. Bonny said that. I have colours and stuff already. I want bonny to get me a russian nesting doll though.
        Guess what. I am waiting for pizza to come for our dinner ๐Ÿ™‚
        X bee

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