Tired.

I have an urge to email T this evening. It’s almost 2 am though and I don’t really need to email her I just want to. I hope she sees my honesty pot page. I really want a picture of her to keep for myself and all of my parts. I want to be able to look at her whenever I need some comfort. I feel like I need comfort a lot lately. I guess we still feel needy from the memory work or something.

I’m not going to email T. Everyone else inside won’t allow it. They still have their guard up against T. Even though she said she was sorry. It’s crazy because they didn’t want her on Friday,  because they’re upset with her, but we all got an urge to hug her when she was saying sorry because we knew at that moment she was feeling a littlw bit of the sad that we feel.

I saw on Friday how much my T genuinely cares about us. I knew she cared. She does a lot for me. I didn’t realise how much though. I understand a little more why she went on about her boundaries. She is stopping herself becoming attached. Not just stopping me from becoming attached. Maybe secretly she just wanted to pick me up and take me to be saved all along but has to stop herself getting too involved. I understand why she is being careful. She has different rules with me. I am not like other clients she sees. She said that herself. There are things she allows me to do that she doesn’t others. Like emails for example. She said she enjoyed me emailing her. That felt good. That she enjoys hearing from me. She said she wants to reply to everything but doesn’t have the time to, I admire her for being honest with me.

She wants to show she cares. I know that. She has her family too though. She has her own children to think about and spend time with. She can’t always be there for me, but when she can be she is. For that I am appreciative. I think I just have to try and remind myself to think about when I’m emailing her, whether I really need to.

I want to be more sensible. I almost feel like emailing all the time is like crying wolf. If I’m more thoughtful about when I email her, if I have a genuine emergency crisis, she will know it! It won’t just be another moment.

I guess sometimes I just like to read Ts emails. I like to see a reply from her in my inbox. I like it when she tells me to take care at the end of the email. Or when she says warm wishes. Whats a warm wish? Does being warm or cool make them any different? In winter T even puts keep warm at the end of a session reminder message.

She can’t help caring. She does it naturally. There is nothing false. That’s a brilliant thing. So yeah, I’m not going to email T just for the sake of it. Even though it would be great to read a message from her. I have to occupy my mind with something else.

I don’t need T right now. I am just tired  looking for comfort and want to bw cared about. That is all, and it’s no bad thing. This is all learning. I am slowly learning the correct relationships, boundaries and attachments. This is all new to me. Feeling like I need to be cared about, and shown proof I’m cared about is new to me! Admitting the need, is huge! This is a big deal. We all need someone to care about us and thats an okay need to have.

There is nothing wrong with that at all!

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