It’s so easy to be mad at someone, so so easy! We need to rethink our anger at T though. She does not deserve it.

I saw T today, even though i didn’t want to go. Everyone has reinstated their guard against T and were all blocking her out. I tried to go along with them, but i can’t stay mad at her. Something in her makes it impossible. She has a kind face. I told T how upset everyone was, how they felt. I am glad i did because T said that isn’t what she wanted at all. I am glad about that. I am so happy that i could tell T why we were angry with her. She said as soon as we walked in that we looked angry. She knows us. I was trying to hide it but didn’t do a good job. At least she knows everyone has basically pushed her away though. She said it sounds like they feel rejected, and i guess they do.

I suppose now that things have calmed down a little, and we spoke with T i should maybe write down what the problem was. Maybe T will see it. Next time she looks here. Maybe it will make everyone feel better too.

So, last week we saw T, in between seeing her we had been really quite needy, SOs Mum was away, and we couldn’t talk to SO because he struggles dealing with our past. So we e-mailed, and text T. We e-mailed about more memories, feelings and etc, different parts (alters) in different e-mails, and we text T because we kept having bad body memories and were genuinely scared that we were some crazy paedophile. We couldn’t talk to SO about it! I couldn’t tell him my body memories made me think i was a paedophile! So yeah, we text and e-mail T a little more than usual. We knew we were contacting her too much! We knew that, but we felt like we had no other choice. We needed her to say it was okay! She did say it was okay and she eased our worries, until we saw her on the Friday. She began telling us again about her boundaries, regarding amount of e-mails and etc. We tried defending ourselves, we reminded her that Β it wasn’t often that we e-mailed or text her like that. We told her she was over thinking it and she didn’t need to keep going on about her boundaries. We were asking her to stop, but she didn’t. She carried on taking about her boundaries, and not getting attached. Every word she said made everyone more and more distant from her. She made them feel like they were punished for needing her too much. It was like she was telling us off, again, for needing her too much. We don’t need her too much, we just needed her then because we had no one else. She did it at the worst time. When we were doing memory work. When we needed her to be supportive, and when we were trusting her so much with our memories. We were comfortable in telling her things, and she made everyone feel like it was only okay to feel safe during session. That we couldn’t feel safe enough to need her outside of it. It felt basically like we needed her, trusted her, and she let us in a little bit, but then pushed us right back away. they felt rejected. Like their trust of her was all for nothing. Like she wasn’t safe anymore because she didn’t want us to need her. How can you not need your therapist? If we didn’t need her i wouldn’t be in therapy! Surely…

I know it’s hard for her to have boundaries with me, deciding what boundaries and etc. It is hard for me too! I don’t see her as a friend, or a parent. Yeah she’s a lovely person. Or what i know of her is, and yeah wouldn’t it be lovely to have a friend like that, but my T is not my friend. I care about her a lot, how could you not care about someone who knows so much about you and helps you so much? I don’t want to do things with her i do with my friends though, I’d never text her and say hi slut face like i do my friends. I text her earlier and out of habit put a x at the end, i was mortified! I sent it before i realised. I don’t want to hug her when i say goodbye, i wouldn’t poke her just for the sake of it, I wouldn’t invite her to a party or something. No way. She isn’t my friend. If she thinks she’s like a mum to me then she’s wrong too. I pushed away my Mother, I didn’t talk with her! So no she doesn’t feel like a Mother to me. Not at all. She is too kind and caring to be a Mother! She is most like a distant Aunt i guess, if i had to explain what she’s like. There’s and unexplainable comfort when with her, and she can get me talking about anything. Like and Aunt you only see once a year. You care about them, but life doesn’t depend on them. I don’t think my life depends on my T. Despite me needing her sometimes. Sometimes i can go all week and i don’t even think about her. Other weeks i want to e-mail her but don’t. Other weeks i do.

T you don’t need to worry about me over stepping your boundaries. I don’t want to. I don’t want to take away your time. I don’t want to be attached to you, and i am stopping myself being that way, but there will always be some attachment otherwise we just wouldn’t work. If i become too detached from you, i won’t trust you, or feel safe. The attachment i have to you allows that. If that even makes sense!

Gosh i’m writing too much. I have to go feed my partner, or adopted child, whatever you wanna call him!

Hopefully everyone inside will understand and trust T again. It worries me when they have their guard up like this!!!

16 thoughts on “Reflection.

  1. That sounds very difficult, and no wonder you were all angry at the situation. You are right, there has to be some form of attachment going on with your T otherwise the therapy just wouldn’t work – and there will be times when you need to hear reassurance from your T more than other times. Has this never happened before with your T? Is this the first time that you have been in some sort of crisis with her and your need for her has increased? It sounds like she somewhat panicked that this was going to be how it is forever more rather than realising it is a short term change! xx

    • Hi bourbon (if it is bourbon that is) Hope you are all well.

      I’m glad you see my point about needing some attachment. There are some times when i just need her more than others. It hasn’t been a problem in the past, but in the past it hasn’t been as bad either, crisis wise i mean.

      The memory work really stirred me up, and i had no one else but her. She knows this, and today said that she understood this. She also apologised and said that she handled the situation wrong, but she said she does understand why everyone is mad at her. I think she was a bit bummed out too that everyones guard is back up.

      She has text since and said she hope we can work it out. I think your right and she did panic a little, maybe become flustered. She knows it was a short term thing and today said she was maybe keeping herself in check more than me, but came across wrong.

      Unfortunately though, other parts aren’t as understanding as me and with them she has some work to do to gain their trust again, because she hurt them quite badly.

      Thanks for commenting, means a lot. xx

      • I completely understand. It is absolutely brilliant that your T can apologise and can not only know, but share with you, that it was her own perhaps inflated feelings and thoughts driving her behaviour. I understand because Cat and I go through it quite a lot. But she is so honest and ‘human’ with me and it really really helps. But yes, parts will understand/recover from this in different ways on different time scales. the whole incident will mean different things for different parts. Especially when it comes to memory work. Her reminding you all of those barriers may be felt as her keeping you at arms length whilst you are going through such difficult stuff which will be extremely painful for some of you! Things will be restored though, in time πŸ™‚ xx

      • Yeah i guess it is good. She reminds us often that she isn’t perfect and isn’t scared to admit she gets things wrong.

        My T is honest with me too. It does like you said mean different things to different parts, Some are feeling totally pushed away and rejected. Others are just upset with T because she “told them off”.

        It did feel exactly like she was trying to keep us a safe distance, and stopping us from getting too close which i think is what hurt most. I guess it just reminded us in that instant that no-one is truly safe and trustworthy. I dunno.

        Things will get back to normal anyway. I told T that maybe it is some learning curve or something. Maybe it will be beneficial.

        I know this is a normal reaction, as you said you have these moments with Cat, and i have seen your posts regarding it… So i guess the bonus is, we can both feel a little bit more normal, in a DID world πŸ™‚ That’s good.


      • If I could ‘like’ that comment I would! p.s. just so you know it pretty much is always me, Bourbon, who comments on other peoples blogs πŸ™‚ xx

      • πŸ™‚ had to make sure, don’t see your posts so much lately, not going quiet are you? Hows Raggy?

        It’s pretty much always me (Bonny) who does commenting too. Unless stated.

      • I’m not going quiet no, not at all! A few of my posts recently have been password protected, have I given you the password? Would be happy to give it to you if you would like πŸ™‚ Raggy is good thanks πŸ˜€ He is going to the vets on Monday to talk about neutering! Don’t think he’s going to like that very much 😦 xx

      • Oh glad you aren’t going quiet. πŸ™‚

        I don’t think i do have the password for your protected posts, would explain me not seeing much though. Maybe you gave me it a long time ago, I cant remember. Send it over when you get chance, if it’s okay.

        Glad raggy is good πŸ™‚ It’s totally understanding him not being keen on the neutering thing! Out of curiosity, tell me if i’m prying, have you looked into the dogs trust scheme for neutering? I know they do it where i live. It makes it considerably cheaper, you just have to be on certain benefits. I got my German Shepherd spayed using it. πŸ™‚ Thought it was worth mentioning.


      • No I never have heard of dogs trust neutering scheme! Shall look it up right now πŸ™‚ thanks! Would you mind emailing me at I’ll send the password across to you. Just looked at dogs trust website (multi tasking for the win lol) and they don’t do it where we live! Nvm though xx

      • pfft, they are rubbish. Made it just Β£30 too. Check there are not other neutering schemes coming up, cause they go all crazy about neutering in certain months don’t they… Just to add, you are pretty damn awesome at multi-tasking. πŸ™‚

        I shall e-mail in the next few minutes πŸ™‚

        (p.s, maybe raggy will be happy if you have to savefor longer before you remove his dangly manhood!)

      • Lmao I’m genuinely laughing out loud here. He certainly does have a very dangly man hood. For a small dog it’s quite surprising! Xx

      • You think that’s surprising, i have a Dobermann who feels the needs to stick his dangly kiwi in your face, and when he isn’t doing that he’s laying on his back, legs in the air with them on show to the world. No morals at all!

        Four legged crazies! For definate.

      • β€œThe worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” β€”Lois Lowry

        Just saw this and thought of you!

  2. Bonny,
    Thats a tough situation you found yourself in, I’m sorry it had to happen. Sometimes though we have to occasionally have tough times with our t’s, just so we know how awesome they really are. I know for us our t is always honest too, that goes a real long way for us. I hope the rest of yous begin to trust again soon, too bad it had to happen at an inappropriate time when yall were doing the deep work. Ps…Wow bourbon, that quotes amazing.

  3. As for four legged friends, mine is nutered, since he was 1, I think if your on benefits its cheaper anyway, most vets will knock money off. Good luck with that Bourb! XX

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