It’s so easy to be mad at someone, so so easy! We need to rethink our anger at T though. She does not deserve it.
I saw T today, even though i didn’t want to go. Everyone has reinstated their guard against T and were all blocking her out. I tried to go along with them, but i can’t stay mad at her. Something in her makes it impossible. She has a kind face. I told T how upset everyone was, how they felt. I am glad i did because T said that isn’t what she wanted at all. I am glad about that. I am so happy that i could tell T why we were angry with her. She said as soon as we walked in that we looked angry. She knows us. I was trying to hide it but didn’t do a good job. At least she knows everyone has basically pushed her away though. She said it sounds like they feel rejected, and i guess they do.
I suppose now that things have calmed down a little, and we spoke with T i should maybe write down what the problem was. Maybe T will see it. Next time she looks here. Maybe it will make everyone feel better too.
So, last week we saw T, in between seeing her we had been really quite needy, SOs Mum was away, and we couldn’t talk to SO because he struggles dealing with our past. So we e-mailed, and text T. We e-mailed about more memories, feelings and etc, different parts (alters) in different e-mails, and we text T because we kept having bad body memories and were genuinely scared that we were some crazy paedophile. We couldn’t talk to SO about it! I couldn’t tell him my body memories made me think i was a paedophile! So yeah, we text and e-mail T a little more than usual. We knew we were contacting her too much! We knew that, but we felt like we had no other choice. We needed her to say it was okay! She did say it was okay and she eased our worries, until we saw her on the Friday. She began telling us again about her boundaries, regarding amount of e-mails and etc. We tried defending ourselves, we reminded her that it wasn’t often that we e-mailed or text her like that. We told her she was over thinking it and she didn’t need to keep going on about her boundaries. We were asking her to stop, but she didn’t. She carried on taking about her boundaries, and not getting attached. Every word she said made everyone more and more distant from her. She made them feel like they were punished for needing her too much. It was like she was telling us off, again, for needing her too much. We don’t need her too much, we just needed her then because we had no one else. She did it at the worst time. When we were doing memory work. When we needed her to be supportive, and when we were trusting her so much with our memories. We were comfortable in telling her things, and she made everyone feel like it was only okay to feel safe during session. That we couldn’t feel safe enough to need her outside of it. It felt basically like we needed her, trusted her, and she let us in a little bit, but then pushed us right back away. they felt rejected. Like their trust of her was all for nothing. Like she wasn’t safe anymore because she didn’t want us to need her. How can you not need your therapist? If we didn’t need her i wouldn’t be in therapy! Surely…
I know it’s hard for her to have boundaries with me, deciding what boundaries and etc. It is hard for me too! I don’t see her as a friend, or a parent. Yeah she’s a lovely person. Or what i know of her is, and yeah wouldn’t it be lovely to have a friend like that, but my T is not my friend. I care about her a lot, how could you not care about someone who knows so much about you and helps you so much? I don’t want to do things with her i do with my friends though, I’d never text her and say hi slut face like i do my friends. I text her earlier and out of habit put a x at the end, i was mortified! I sent it before i realised. I don’t want to hug her when i say goodbye, i wouldn’t poke her just for the sake of it, I wouldn’t invite her to a party or something. No way. She isn’t my friend. If she thinks she’s like a mum to me then she’s wrong too. I pushed away my Mother, I didn’t talk with her! So no she doesn’t feel like a Mother to me. Not at all. She is too kind and caring to be a Mother! She is most like a distant Aunt i guess, if i had to explain what she’s like. There’s and unexplainable comfort when with her, and she can get me talking about anything. Like and Aunt you only see once a year. You care about them, but life doesn’t depend on them. I don’t think my life depends on my T. Despite me needing her sometimes. Sometimes i can go all week and i don’t even think about her. Other weeks i want to e-mail her but don’t. Other weeks i do.
T you don’t need to worry about me over stepping your boundaries. I don’t want to. I don’t want to take away your time. I don’t want to be attached to you, and i am stopping myself being that way, but there will always be some attachment otherwise we just wouldn’t work. If i become too detached from you, i won’t trust you, or feel safe. The attachment i have to you allows that. If that even makes sense!
Gosh i’m writing too much. I have to go feed my partner, or adopted child, whatever you wanna call him!
Hopefully everyone inside will understand and trust T again. It worries me when they have their guard up like this!!!