On Friday i saw T. We had an easy session. With no memory work, because i requested to do none. I needed a week off. It was good to chat about less intense stuff. T went on about how much i’d emailed/text her over the week, blah blah blah, heard it so many times before. Surely it’s healthy to trust her and have some form of trust. What does she want complete distance in between sessions? If that’s what she wants then she should just say. I don’t always even e-mail her. She was stressing over nothing. Getting on for nothing too. Felt like my mother having a go! Ears were turned off much! It was an okay session though. I showed her photos and stuff from when i was a kid. To help her grasp some understanding of my childhood or something, to be honest though i think she forgot she’d asked me to get her them. She didn’t seem like she remembered anyway. Maybe she thinks aloud and doesn’t expect me to listen and do it.
Maybe i should just not listen to what she suggests and leave her to it. Maybe i shouldn’t be writing this post today because i’m pissed off! I don’t want to take it out on T when it isn’t her fault, and i care tonnes about her, not in a weird way. I’m worried though that T cannot give the time required to sort me out though, not that i’d expect her to. Can i overcome my past in an hour per week? Is it enough? Am i just being negative. Everyone likes and trusts T. Do we need someone who will let us need them though? She said she doesn’t want me to use her as a release for emotions and etc, because i should have other support for that too, but i don’t understand why i need to burden more than one person. I’m confused. All of me is confused. I don’t understand what she is saying. How can i talk with family about some of the things that are in my head? She is trained to switch off! They are not. Doesn’t she understand i am scared to hurt them, upset them, turn them away? I don’t want to disgust them as much as i disgust myself. T don’t you understand? It’s hard! I wouldn’t ever wish for T to have seen or felt some of the things i had, but i wish she could for a minute feel the way i feel! So she knew, so she knew i wasn’t over reacting, so she understood why i caved in and e-mailed or text her. Why i needed her. She is experienced yes, but understanding, not 100% Not of me anyway. Or am i just too difficult to understand? Making my own logic.
I don’t even know how to say all of this to T. Is it just gonna start the blah blah blah conversation again? I feel like i shouldn’t e-mail her. She said to e-mail with everyone else, all in the same e-mail but we can’t. It’s not just that easy! It takes a lot for one of us to pluck up courage to e-mail her, now she wants us to do it together, we can’t, and if we all message her together it’s super long and she misses half of it. So what’s the point in us taking that much time to e-mail her. I know why she misses half of it, because there’s too much to take in, but the others don’t understand that. They feel that they have told her really important things and feel hurt when she misses things they have said. She doesn’t reply to each point/question, just does general, and i understand why, i really do, she’s a busy lady. I can’t keep letting everyone else inside get confused though, or pissed off because she hasn’t answered their questions that they’ve took time to ask. It’s hard for them to come upfront and type, or to ask me to type their questions. So imagine how they feel when they get ignored. No it’s not done by T on purpose, but see my reason for saying what’s the point in e-mailing her.
If i need to push her away in between sessions, i can do that. In fact i will do that. If i need to use other support then okay i’ll do that. Fuck everything. T included. I’m just not gonna e-mail her or text. It’s easy as that. I’d never text anyway. Not until this week, so it’s not gonna be hard not to. I’ll just keep it to sessions, if i fall in between them then it’s tough! I suppose that’s the only way to sort it. Problem solved. No worries, no stress, nothing. DONE!
Soooooo T rant over, after i saw her i went to pick up my brother from my Mothers house. He wasn’t ready and i had to wait for my Mother to get home before i could take him. She was at the dentist. She came back, we had a brew then went to my friends Andie and Mels house. Got a controller for the xbox off of them for my brother, had another brew and chat, then came home. Little brother and i played xbox all night, on cod ghosts. Then SO’s son came wiht his GF but she went upstairs and to sleep, so stepson came and played xbox with my little brother. It was nice. Very cosy. My little brother enjoyed it. He’s doing well regarding his dad passing away. I’m proud of his. He’s so strong! Anyway, we ended up going to sleep at about 3am! Late i know. I’d planned for bed by 1, but got carried away and time passed when stepson joined us. Never mind though. Sat we had a lay in 🙂 then got up and made bacon butties for so, lil bro, and myself, before playing for an hour, then tidying house before SO and i took lil brother back home. Mother was there. We had a cuppa and chat. She was talking about when i was younger. She was on about keeping me on reins as a child because i wandered off alot, she said it was to keep me safe from paedophiles, too little too late i think though! She also was talking about my dad, she knows now how bad he was to me when i stayed with him on weekends, and she said that i should have said and it would have all stopped, which made me think that maybe i should have told her about the abuse, and etc when i was just a girl from the man at the hostel, but then i remembered how she reacted when i was sexually assaulted. She didn’t make it all okay and stop it at all! She reacted badly, so basically what she said was a lie. She wouldn’t have stopped my father at all. He’d have still locked me in my room every weekend with nothing to do, in the coldest part of the flat, he’d still have dragged me round by my hair when he was drunk and i wanted to use the toilet before i went to sleep, he’d have still hit me, and everything. She’s a liar! She thinks i forget, but i don’t! I’ll never forget!!!!
After my mother, we were meant to visit friends but i wasn’t feeling 100% so we went straight to the offices to get the cleaned. Calling at SOs mums on the way to check on her house. It was all fine, and we got the offices done fine. We stopped at andie and mels on the way home for a chat and brew. Was okay i guess, then came home and did nothing, i made steak for tea. Then sorted films out on the external harddrive all night! Exciting. Oh we went on a chat site we use too. Nothing that fun really! Exciting lives we lead. Didn’t get to sleep til gone 4am though.
Oh i nearly forgot, we visited SO’s dad too. I took his dog sam for a walk 🙂 Around sunny crofton, uk. Was a lovely day, and we had a good walk too. We found grass and it smelt freshly cut, It was lovely, made me feel like summer is coming! I loved it. Sam really enjoyed his walk too. I needed to take him. He’d been sooooooo hyper that he needed it. SOs dad doesn’t get him out far, cause he’s elderly and ill so it doesn’t hurt me to walk him a little, we didn’t go super far. He’s only a little dog, probably wouldn’t make it that far, ha.
So yeah that’s that. We had a busy day today, Sunday, we got up and did our gardens, mowed lawn etc, i tidied our house, then we had to go to andie and mels because they were having a sofa from SOs late grans and SOs cousin was fetching them over, so we had to go there to wait for them and help mel sort her house for them cause andie was at a football tournament! Fun fun fun! After that SOs cousin fetched some stuff here to store in our garage of SOs mums. Then i had to get ready to go to stepsons gig thing that he was doing with people from college. It was really good. They did it in a pub. He played bass, and his friend played drums, and another electric guitar, then 2 girls were singing. They were really good. I was so proud of him i thought i was gonna cry! It was fab 😀 SOs mum and stepdad came too. It was great to see them. I miss SOs mum loads, she only got back from skiing yesterday! Gave her biggggg hugs! Can’t wait to see her again in the week and chat and catch up! After the gig, we took stepson and his friend to burger king. was yummy. I got chocolate milkshake. Fucking love chocolate milkshake 😀
On the way home though we were all chatting, having a nice time, when SO was flashed by a speed camera 😦 So in the next few week we are expecting a speeding fine and some points putting on his licence 😦 Damnnnnn, Real pissed off about it. Im trying to remember shit happens though, and it wasn’t his fault. He was doing 38 in a 30 zone. He’d slowed down for an earlier camera, but his speed crept back up without him realising. He knows the cameras are there too so i know it’s a genuine mistake! Never mind! Just have to suck it up and pay the fine. Like i said. Shit happens.
Oh and one more thing, was expecting some developments with fertility stuff today, but no periods, negative pregnancy test, hoping to have a period in week so i know everything works. Otherwise it means i don’t ovulate, even with tablets 😦 Hope my tubes aren’t blocked :(:(:( Don’t want more surgery. Damnnn.
I guess it hasn’t been that good a weekend. Even though some nice things have occured, it’s been overrun with shit things too!
Life is sure a bitch, but i can’t even tell T how shit i feel. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.