Hey guys and gals….. Hope everyone is okay!
I had a busy day today! It was okay though. SO and i had the offices to clean, and we went to help his Aunts,and Uncles clear out his late Grans garage into a skip. We had to be up real early to get there and i was gonna go to the offices while he went there but i decided, well everyone inside and me decided together that we can’t avoid what makes us anxious, so we decided to go help too and it was okay.
His family really are nice people. I used to be a bit weird around one of his Aunts because she is a counsellor and i felt like she was always trying to read me, but she’s cool really. She was okay today. Really she’d just a normal person. I bet my therapist has times where she has to clear out the shed or something and get filthy too. I suppose it’s important to remember therapists are just normal people, with families and other responsibilities that don’t involve us. Not that i could imagine my T being filthy, although she probably has hidden places which could do with sorting out because she’s not organised at all, even though she clearly tries hard to be. Ha she’s awesome.
She is still doing EMDR with me…. As we talk about memories, so they can process naturally without forcing it or something. T said the buzzers should be somewhere that they don’t get in the way and that i can forget about them. She suggested putting them in my socks. It may sound crazy but i thought i was gonna die just from the suggestions, heart was having palpitations and everything. I don’t know why. Just the thought of having her buzzers in my socks, dear me. I guess if they are touching anywhere but my hands it would make me panic. Not purposely, it just happens so i avoid it. Maybe i just tell T it makes me anxious. Maybe she knows. It’s not just the fear of looking stupid. Anyway T then said she’d been talking to someone who works with her or something and is more experienced with DID and she’d suggested i put them under my shoes, Well i can’t do that either.
I think i figured out who the person is that T asks for advice regarding DID and stuff. Cause T told me her name week before last, and last week when i went i was about to ring the buzzer to go in and i saw the very same name on the buzzer list. Doesn’t take Einstein does it. I wasn’t even looking for it. I didn’t really care, I’ve told T she can ask or tell her what she wants. She doesn’t know who i am. So it doesn’t matter. I guess it’s good that T has someone in the same building she could get the help of if i went crazy time.
T only ever had to bring someone else into session without my permission once before though and that’s because a little got out and wouldn’t say anything but “i don’t want to go” and i think it worried T a little, she fetched the psych doc in i think…. Panicked probably. I haven’t really had a moment since then though. Maybe it’s due.
The memory work has made Mute a little high rate… She is hurting i can see it in her eyes.She doesn’t have the words to tell me. Her face looks so sad, like it just wants to cry but can’t. She keeps holding her breath, then struggling to regulate her breathing again. I don’t know if she even realises she is doing it. I have realised though that she is sometimes who goes to bed on a night, because sometimes i come round and my diaphragm is spasming like it’s trying to catch up with itself and get back in tune with my lungs. It’s a struggle. Maybe we used to hold our breath back then, when bad things were happening. I know we have a massive fear of being suffocated.
Far too many hands held over our mouth and obstructions in our mouth. It’s crazy i can’t hide under a blanket, i can’t have things too close to my mouth. When i am in bed if i have the blanket snuggled tight i have to have it away from my face. If i can feel the warm of my breath on my face when i breathe it feels like i am being suffocated. My SO knows that no matter what, he is not allowed to put his hand over my mouth or a pillow if we are messing around. Suffocating is a massive no no.
I probably shouldn’t share this, tmi, but once In the early days, SO and i were having erm, relations and he put his hand over my mouth, to be like kinky or something, well i went super crazy, flapping legs and arms, hitting him and screaming, trying to bite his fingers. Terrified. It’s not good. SO hasn’t done it since. He knows not to. Suffocating and having things over my mouth is a massive trigger for me.
T saying she bets we were cute is a trigger too, she doesn’t say it pervertedly but it’s just that word. Being cute is what got me here in the first place. I don’t want to be cute… Ugly stick this way please! I am looking forward to seeing T on Friday, Jessie wants to draw more with her, he coloured her an Elmer last Friday. He even put her pens away when he was finished, not them all, he let me come back to finish up. His colouring was cute though, T must have drawn the elephant. She is no artist but you could tell it was an elephant. She drew our safe place too, that was good, it made Nat and me giggle. So yeah i am looking forward to Friday. Talking more will be good too. It feels good to get the bad memories out a little.
So other than that it’s been normal i guess, we have been doing our car, it’s had a new tyre, and had the front brake discs and pads done. So it’s all sorted for Scotland. Just got the MOT in April. I hope it passes okay. 🙂
I went to see my Mum on Friday. My real Mum, not SO’s Mum. It was okay. She gave me my Christmas present. Yeah i know a little late. It was a watch. It has a silver coloured strap and pretty pink stones around the face, it’s actually quite nice. I like it. I took her husbands a present too for his birthday which was yesterday. I am really trying to form some kind of bond with her, though she probably doesn’t deserve it. I guess i will just have to see where it leads. SO is hoping that sorting things with my Mum will help my anxiety issues because i didn’t really have them before out relationship became difficult. Fingers crossed i guess.
SO’s Mum will be back home next weekend 🙂 I’ve missed her tonnes. Can’t wait to give her a big cuddle.I bet she is having a fab time skiing. Hopefully she’ll come home in one piece.
I don’t know what else to put. I’m gonna try go draw the bad chair for T.