Hard year so far!

2014 hasn’t necessarily been the  year i wanted it to be. Well not so far anyway. It’s been a struggle to say the least. What with 2 funerals, unplanned visits to FOO, memory work in T, fertility hospital appointments. It’s been tough. I guess i should be proud though, i have handled it. Even though at times i thought i never would. There have already been moments where i’d wished i’d just passed away myself. When i wanted T to rescue me and hide me away until she fixed me. Already i have felt like i hit rock bottom. It’s only February! What a year. 

So Paul’s Gran is gone, to RIP, and my gorgeous little brothers Daddy is gone too. RIP to him also. Just 68 years old and gone, just like that. I guess i should be saying live everyday like it’s your last! I guess it’s true that you should. Life is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted, bad or good, i guess, we are lucky to be here, Ha. 

So to the memory work with T. It’s hard. I don’t know if i can actually call it memory work. We are just talking. Specifically about my childhood. Bad memories. I just happen to be cradling her theratappers in my hands. It’s EMDR but on an easier scale than it could be. I can’t complain about it. Everyone is handling it well. Although it’s hard to talk about some things. A certain alter makes talking difficult and we kind of freeze up. T asked us on Friday if we wanted a hug. I said no. I don’t think i want to hug T, knowing she would though is very comforting. It’s not that i don’t like her, it’s just that she is my T and i don’t want it to make us need her too much because she offers physical as well as mental comfort. At the end of the day she isn’t my Mother, unfortunately, she isn’t my friend. She’s my T and that is all. Although yeah, she has a very important role in my very existence. I guess hugs can go wrong easily. If she didn’t do it one day i’d probably go crazy thinking she didn’t like us that day. It’s just not worth it. It stops being special because it just ends up happening all the time. Maybe one day but i can’t imagine myself doing it. Maybe Jessie or Bee will hug her when they are up front. Who knows. Maybe T wouldn’t even if they wanted to because she knows i don’t want to. I dunno, anyway where was i……

So yeah, memory work is going well. T is handling it well. On Friday both of us had watery eyes. I somehow managed to hold back the streams of tears. She said she almost cried too. She really does care. Next week i asked that she finish talking early and spend some time with Bee, Mute and Jessie colouring, they would like that a lot. Jessie really cares for T and he enjoys doing things with her but hasn’t for a while. I hope T doesn’t forget. They are looking forward to it. Since they saw all of her colours on Friday. She has lots of coloured pens. She has stuffies too. On Friday she got her foxes tail stuck in the door of her cupboard. It made us feel bad. We didn’t say anything to T though. It’s only a teddy. 

(I stopped writing this post and have come back to it a day  later… i went to have a nice bubbly bath instead of finishing it.)

So the funeral of my little Brothers Dad was hard. My mother was less than helpful. Definately not supportive when i was in tears, and i guess i’m realising still that she doesn’t really care too much, but you know what, that’s okay, it’s okay that she doesn’t care, because i think i am starting to care less about her opinion. I have myself to thank for being where i am now, not her, i don’t owe her a thing. I certainly shouldn’t be living my life to try impress her because it’s never going to happen. Admittedly somewhere inside that breaks my heart, but she is never going to change and that’s that. Things could have been so different for her. After the funeral, i told my SO that i wanted him to take me to his Mums. Which was weird because his Mums house usually has me in a panic, but she is who i wanted. I wanted her love. When we got there she hugged me tight and didn’t make me let go until i was finished. She gave me what i needed, and asked if i was okay. I love her to bits, she’s soooooo supportive. So yeah, stuff you mother, i have new support now. What would you think if you knew i called SOs Mother Mummy? F-You.

So that’s that. We also did normal stuff so far this year too. Deposits payed for Scotland. Can’t wait to go. We’ve also got £390 in the holiday tin, so we are well on our way 🙂 and will be guaranteed to have a good time! Which is good. SO has also had another benefits letter through for his ESA and he’s getting that until review next year. That’s also good. We were a bit skint at one point, with the dog and vets bills, and because at the end of last month we had to tax the car.

It got better this last couple week though. Our Dobermann mated, so we got money for that which went in the tin with some kept spare, and then we got an unexpected cheque refund in the post for £161 so that went in the tin too. Then SO’s Mum took us to open a savings account and she put £3000 in it. We are only allowed to use it in emergencies though!It’s good that it’s there though, then at the savings place the guy started talking about home insurance. We didn’t have contents insurance, so he gave us a quote, it was £20 a month. £240 for the year. So my SOs Mum payed that for us outright for the year. So we are insured even insured for accidental damage too. Woop. It’s a good feeling. SO’s mum then gave us a cheque for £300 and said it was too keep us secure while she was on holiday. She has gone to America skiing for 2 weeks with her friends and husband. So with the unexpected money we are well on with saving for the holiday. We are also doing some maintenance on the car, We need a new tyre, which is just over £70 so we can do that and SO wants to have the brakes checked. So we are taking it to Kwik-Fit for a brake inspection, to see if the discs and stuff need changing, If they do we’ll have that done, which i think will be around £200 which is expensive but it’s worth it for the car to be safe, and it needs to be running perfect and safe when we go to Scotland in June, because it’s an 8 hour drive, and a lot of miles. 

So yeah. That’s the year so far. Oh fertility stuff too. I did Clomid this month, but the hospital were too full so i couldn’t go for the scans to make sure i’d ovulated, and to make sure the Clomid wasn’t causing problems with my PCOS. It felt okay though. Something must have been happening because i got twinges after my period that i never usually got. So fingers crossed that was my ovaries doing what they are supposed to. It’s kinda bad to mention but SO and i have definately put the ground work in since my period to try make a baby. I guess i’m lucky i can have sexual relations. Some things he knows not to do though because they will trigger me. It’s not all simple and took some time to get here. So next month i’m hoping to be getting a positive pregnancy test. If not a positive, at least a period without taking meds so i know my ovaries are working and ovulating… Luck needed!

That’s that. Long post. Time to go take my little insiders to play on the XBOX, they are COD crazyyyyy.



2 thoughts on “Hard year so far!

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