I have just got out of a lovely warm bubbly bath! I am admitting to everyone here that i am a top scruff and haven’t bathed for days! That’s just not good. This is a sign that i am starting to feel a little better in myself. I feel better after getting cleaning and scrubbing the badness away.
I don’t mean to be a scruff, not at all. I guess emotions take over and just make me not care. Now i feel like i care. It’s a good thing that now i care.
T made me feel good today. She read my post that i wrote yesterday. It didn’t make her go crazy. She understood and was her normal logical self in her e-mail. I am fortunate to have her helping me. She said it’s okay to feel the way i do and understandable. She said she isn’t untouchable and if necessary and okay with everyone inside we could hug. I’m not sure about that. Hugging T. Hmmm. When i read it in her e-mail initial thought was WTF, who mentioned wanting to hug, but at the same time parts of me were beaming because admit it or not, we know T super cares! Maybe that is enough without hugs! I think hugging T would feel weird. She isn’t my friend or Mother, never will be, she is my T. Although i’m sure in times of discomfort, it would be quicker and better for her to take my hand to ground me rather than just talking to me. Maybe to take my hand and remind everyone she is here, it is now, not then. I dunno.
She didn’t give permission to scream in her face though lol, to be honest i think i could scream in anyones face. Not specifically T. I feel like no-one understands that i am hurting or why. How can they understands something about my emotions that i don’t even understand myself? I can’t expect everyone to just understand, especially when i don’t even tell them how i feel. That’s a ludicrous expectation! I know this. It is good anyway to know that T understands and is willing to be touched. That sounds so wrong.
It will overcome major barriers in me if i were to hug T. It will overcome barriers holding her hand. It’s like strict rules have been forced into me, and in fear of fucking up, i feel that it’s safer to keep distance from T. So i don’t make her run a mile if she thinks i am getting too close. I guess if you hug your T it is a fine line. Between just hugging your T or thinking too much of it. When is it appropriate, when is it not? This worries me. I can live quite happily without hugging my T. I know the child parts would like it though, although i fear it would confuse them. Would they understand that sometimes it is okay, but sometimes it is not. Would the not okay times leave them feeling rejected? Is it worth it? Just for a hug. Maybe T saying it is enough to soothe them, and to let them know she cares.
I guess i am scared because Jessie is easily lead. He loves T so much it’s crazy. He has nothing but good things to say about her. He wants to stay with her forever. He doesn’t understand the concept of being a client/therapist. To him she is just a really nice person who he wants to live with forever. He pretends to understand when i tell him she’s a T but he’s 7 years old, he doesn’t understand at all.
It sounds weird but i kind of think T almost forgets sometimes that they are actually children, because she’s obviously seeing my body. It’s easy not to view them as children. I wonder how she overcomes childrens attachments with 3D children. She is a child therapist too. She sees a lot of kids. How does she explain to them that she is different to family friends or family? She needs to explain to Jessie, Bee and Mute like she does to them. It sounds crazy, I’m a fully grown adult. Not a child! When i switch to the littles though i am not grown up. It is not me. It’s a different person. It is a child in front of her. Like any 3D child. Just a little girl or boy with child logic, thoughts, and intelligence. They can’t understand the way i do!
It’s easy to forget. It’s total crazyness. I guess T and all of us will talk more about it on Friday! If i haven’t made her run for the hills! Just remember, when you’re sat thinking oh my gosh crazy bitch, that i have many people to answer for, think of and take into consideration. It isn’t as simple as black and white! I think we all need to remember that.