At a loss…..

Lacking any emotions and feeling numb. I suppose i should count my blessings and appreciate not feeling bad. I am just never content with things i suppose. It’s a strange time. I don’t know what i want or need. T emailed me back but it just didn’t give any comfort really. I keep thinking about how she must force herself to reply to me. How much hassle am i for her? Does she regret seeing me again? Maybe she doesn’t, maybe she does. I am being stupid.

Doubting everything. Myself and insiders included. I am at a loss for what to do. I feel empty. I want T but i also don’t want her at all. A part of me wants to hate her forever and i don’t know why. I guess i am mad at the world. People dying, life ending, difficulties, childhood. I’m annoyed at everything. It isn’t Ts fault, it isn’t my fault but who else do i have to blame? I am being ridiculous. I know it. I told T i wished i could just shake her to give her my pent up emotions. I wish i could just grab her and scream in her face. Maybe it’s an insider making me want to do it? They are angry and it is reflecting onto me. I never want to hurt T. I’ve never even wanted to touch T but i just feel the urge and need to touch her. She is real. 

I don’t want to cross boundaries and feel weird saying it but something inside just keeps making me think about it. Maybe young insiders are confused over attachments and stuff. I maybe should tell T but i am worried that she’ll go on about how i am attached and blah blah blah when usually i’m not, and can be logical about the needs/emotions. I know they are not supposed to happen. Maybe death has just made us revisit the whole abandonment thing in our head. Maybe it’s just the fear that T is going to die too? I don’t want T to die. Everyone who means a lot to us disappears, dies or decides to hate us. I don’t want that to happen to T. 

The child parts are scared T will go away too. I don’t think she will. She cares. Maybe SO will go away too. I don’t want him to. He is older than me, i don’t want him to leave me on my own. I don’t want nobody else to die. I want SO and his Mum to be here forever. They keep talking about when they die but i don’t want them to die. I don’t want to hear about inheritance from SOs Mum. She’s not allowed to die. I love her. She’s not allowed to leave me! 

I am being selfish aren’t i. Death does not come expectantly. I can’t possibly stop people from dying and that scares me. Everyone could die tomorrow. I don’t have my own Mum or Dad. If SO and his Mum were gone i’d be all alone. I don’t think i can be all alone. Loneliness scares me. None of us want anyone to go away. I am scared. We are all scared. The kids are scared. They want to hug T and love her, because one day she will go away. How do i explain again to a child that they can’t hug or touch T when i know they care so much about her. It’s confusing. They are smart and understand most things, but the recent deaths is just making it hard for them i think. I don’t know what to do. 

Maybe T needs to talk to them. About death and stuff. None of us have ever had the conversation about bereavement before. 

I keep thinking when i go to bed about my attachments to my own Mum, and everyone insides attachment too. I think it is something we are missing. That bond. We don’t understand it. We are struggling to process thoughts about boundaries and correct behaviour. I kind of feel like we’ve been dropped in a deep hole then just left to fend for ourselves. I know that obviously isn’t true. I have T, SO and his Mum. I know it may sound bad but it’s not enough. I want my family to be real. I want to remember my own Mum loving me but i can’t I can’t remember her hugging me and caring. That upsets me. I feel like a lonely person in a big world. I feel like i was set to fail from the very beginning. I don’t want to keep failing at everything. I want to be okay. I don’t know what to think, for me or insiders, I don’t know what to say to them. I can’t soothe them. I just don’t know.

I am at a loss. I don’t even know the meaning of this post, i maybe just needed to write! 

What should i say, what should i do. 

I’m just not okay.

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