I haven’t been on here much. I guess I am hiding away. From what, I’m not sure. I just haven’t been interested in anything! Not like me at all.
I guess it could be with everything going on. My mother, little brother, fertility, money, therapy, illness. It’s all too much to handle for me. I am struggling I guess.
I gotta get a handle on this though and keep fighting it. I’m blocking it all out so far. I am spending so much time playing cod on the xbox that I’ve actually improved a little and don’t just die! I guess that’s and achievement. Maybe!
I have still been going to therapy. This week and last we have been talking about my childhood. I told T I wanted her to ask questions. I wanted to share my life with her, good bad and ugly. We haven’t got to the extremely hard stuff yet. Today we did talk about a certain aspect of memories though and I didn’t realise until afterwards how much that really made me think of everything.
So at the minute my mind is spiralling. Trying to make sense of it all. MT** I told T about a chair I was sexually abused in as a child, several times. It was a horrible cold and uncomfortable chair. I hated it. At first I thought it made me powerful and like a princess, or that’s what he said. However it didn’t at all. It made me cold, and my little body stuck to it with nervous sweat. I hate that chair and cannot stand to see chairs like it now!!! END MT**
Mentionig that to T made insiders go a bit crazy. Well not crazy but scared I guess. They didn’t know what to do with their emotions of thoughts. It was weird because I didn’t switch but i couldn’t talk. It was like I’d switched to Mute, butbi hadn’t I was still there. I think maybe Mute was right upfront with me. Stopping me from talking.
Is that even possible? Has anyone with DID had this happen? It wasn’t co-consciousness. I was fully there. I just couldn’t talk and felt like Mute was with me stopping me. It’s kind of frightening the power they can hold over me. I know they wouldn’t purposely cause me harm, but if they can do that what else can they do? We never had this problem or worry before. Are they worried too. They have gone quiet since therapy. No talking.
I’m sorry if I made you guys hurt but we have to get through this. Together. Remember T is there for you guys too!
I gotta go!