Hiding, I guess

I haven’t been on here much.  I guess I am hiding away. From what, I’m not sure. I just haven’t been interested in anything! Not like me at all.

I guess it could be with everything going on. My mother, little brother, fertility, money, therapy, illness. It’s all too much to handle for me. I am struggling I guess.

I gotta get a handle on this though and keep fighting it. I’m blocking it all out so far. I am spending so much time playing cod on the xbox that I’ve actually improved a little and don’t just die! I guess that’s and achievement. Maybe! 

I have still been going to therapy. This week and last we have been talking about my childhood. I told T I wanted her to ask questions. I wanted to share my life with her, good bad and ugly. We haven’t got to the extremely hard stuff yet. Today we did talk about a certain aspect of memories though and I didn’t realise until afterwards how much that really made me think of everything.

So at the minute my mind is spiralling. Trying to make sense of it all. MT** I told T about a chair I was sexually abused in as a child, several times. It was a horrible cold and uncomfortable chair. I hated it. At first I thought it made me powerful and like a princess, or that’s what he said. However it didn’t at all. It made me cold, and my little body stuck to it with nervous sweat. I hate that chair and cannot stand to see chairs like it now!!! END MT**

Mentionig that to T made insiders go a bit crazy. Well not crazy but scared I guess. They didn’t know what to do with their emotions of thoughts. It was weird because I didn’t switch but i couldn’t talk. It was like I’d switched to Mute, butbi hadn’t I was still there. I think maybe Mute was right upfront with me. Stopping me from talking.

Is that even possible? Has anyone with DID had this happen? It wasn’t co-consciousness. I was fully there. I just couldn’t talk and felt like Mute was with me stopping me. It’s kind of frightening the power they can hold over me. I know they wouldn’t purposely cause me harm, but if they can do that what else can they do? We never had this problem or worry before. Are they worried too. They have gone quiet since therapy. No talking.

I’m sorry if I made you guys hurt but we have to get through this. Together. Remember T is there for you guys too!

I gotta go!


10 thoughts on “Hiding, I guess

  1. Hi, have missed seeing you around 😉

    When you asked your T to ask questions and decided you are ready to talk about the past, did the insiders understand? Sometimes, for us at least, whoever`s fronting can make decisions that are not fully understood by the others. Just wonder if something like that goes on for you (?) .

    For us, speech is a bit of an “issue” much of the time and yes, we`ve had similar things go on where there`s no internal “don’t say that” but an incapability of continuing to speak out loud. For us, I don’t fully understand the reasoning for that, but I think it may be because, for some of them it very much feels like *then* is now, so speaking about it is too frightening a concept.

    Hope this has made *some* sense(?).

    • Thanks hun. I miss reading too.

      It was a system decision to talk and be asked questions. Some are just really difficult I guess. They knew it was going to happen and had agreed to it. T also new that they had free reign to switch and come up front if they wanted to.

  2. That’s blending. When your fully present, but another insider is partly there too. Blending occurs. It happens to us a lot. I encourage you to explore this with your t. Has she experience with did or is supervisied y someone who does? Just curious. XXX hugs!

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