Today I went to my Mothers house. After not speaking or seeing her for over 6 month it was very strange. Before 6 month ago she wasn’t exactly a good mother. It made it difficult to go but I was left with no choice.
Today my little brothers father passed away. My little brother is 12. He’d stayed at his fathers last night, his dad had gotten up, taken h to school then gone back home and passed away. My little brother, understandably is distraught. I am just glad he didn’t see his father gone.
So having heard that news today from my sister I rang to speak to my little brother. He was crying down the phone. I was heartbroken for him. Knowing I couldn’t soothe him because I couldn’t see him due to my mother. I was surprised she let me speak to him on the phone. Anyway after the call I was talking with SO and his mum. Telling them how I wish I could see my little brother.
Anyone who knows me sees my reason for yearning for him when I lived at home I was pretty much his mother. Cooking, cleaning and everything. He kept me going and I did everything I could to keep him happy. He was a toddler back then.
Soon after my sister rang me. She said I should go to my mothers house and see him. That my mother had said it was okay. Instantly I said yes. When I put the phone down though it sunk in. I was going to be In my mothers house. I was petrified. Knowing my SO couldn’t go in that house with me. My mind was running in circles. I turned to SOs mum. I asked her if she would go with me. Which she did. I am forever grateful.
She took me there, i was still worried. She told me how she would keep me safe and wouldn’t let anything bad be said about me. She made me feel loved and be able to manage what I was doing. She came into my mothers with me. Even though she’s never met my mother before. She took the experience like a pro. She was brilliant. She’s a fab mom in law.
Anyway we went in. I was shaking. I had a private and very quiet cry in the car on the way over. My little brother noticed. He cuddled me like his life depended on it and told me he missed me. I miss him too. I told him he didn’t realise how much I really missed him. He reallh doesn’t. He eventually let go and I was face to face with my mother. She looked small and needy. She was waiting g for me to show her some affection.
Slipping into daughter role I put my arms out and let her hug me. It was so strange. She told me she loves me. Does she though? If she does, why did she refuse to acknowledge me in October at my nieces christening?
It was all a show thats why! My mother is too wrapped up in her own life to love me. That’s sad. I feel sorry for her. She hugged me a few times and each one felt strange, forced almost. I wanted to push her away and scream how dare you at her. I didn’t. I was just a good daughter. Letting her think she’d won me over. She hasn’t. She hurt me bad. I will always hurt by the way she makes me feel.
I almost wish she were different. I could have easily believef today was the start of something new with her. That maybe she has changed and that she cares. I really don’t think it will change though.
I can’t allow myself to get my hopes up. Every timw before I have and I’ve just ended up in a bad state because she’s upset me, hurt me and let me down. This time that can’t happen. I am not letting my guard down. I will not be a fool again!!
Honestly though? I wish it was thar beginning of a new chapter with her. I just want her to be a good mum. I want her love that is all. I guess I ca manage without it though, I have for this long. I mustn’t let this get to me.
I can’t wait to see T on Friday.
RIP to a great man. I will keep you in ny brothers memory. Love you xxx