Phobias and admitting defeat.

I have messaged my T this morning. I have told her she can refer me to someone else to help sort my anxiety. i can’t talk about it with her. I find it embarrassing. So hopefully she will sort something out and i can start getting sorted. I have missed a normal Christmas because of my anxiety and i can’t keep missing more.

I guess i have to admit, yeah i have some toilet phobia or something, and am becoming agoraphobic because of it. I feel like my own home is the own place i can comfortably use the toilet, if i am out i plan being somewhere that there i no-one else so i can use the toilet. If a situation arises where i know there are people i panic. 100% panic. My tummy goes funny and i immediately think i am going to soil myself. I cannot use a bathroom when people are around. Not even at home. I don’t have a problem with urinating, it’s bowel movements. It’s ruling my life.

I am unsure whether i am ill or just becoming anxious all of the time. Is anxiety the reason why my tummy always feels like this? I don’t feel ill other than a funny tummy. It is strange. My body is becoming confused between hunger and my tummy just being unsettled.

I guess some people would just say if i go to the toilet when people are around then i’ll just realise that it isn’t that bad but i can’t. It’s all started at my SO’s mums house. I couldn’t ever do that at her house while she was around, oh my gosh… i’d die. Could youn imagine what she would think. Bearing in mind she is classy and not common as muck like i am. Worst thing is, if i were at home i wouldn’t need the toilet at all, and when we come home i am ok. I keep telling myself this but to no avail. I’ve never even had an accident like that. I don’t know what made me suddenly change from being normal to having this phobia. Until about 18 month ago i’d never had a problem. It’s strange.

I have to start doing something though. Embarrassment over!!!

I messaged T a few times over Christmas, she’s busy though. Hope to hear from her soon. Oh i never mentioned about the paperwork i received through the post on Christmas Eve. I got the information from govt ragerding my social care records and stuff. There wasn’t much there, and it didn’t include what i wanted it to but it did include some stuff i’d forgotten details of.

***MT*** I also got some paperwork referencing to when i was under 2 years old. It was from a child protection meeting. It said that it was probable that i, along with my sister had been subject to abuse and that i had been found to be red around the vagina. I sort of already knew about it, but i think seeing it on paper has made it hit home because i can’t ignore it. I’m disgusted at it. I was 17 months old not even 2 when the meeting took place, so even younger when it happened. It’s sick. ***end MT***

So that’s that. I’m waiting for my SO to get home so we can cuddle and watch TV together. I miss him lots. I suppose i could tidy up a little before he gets home.

Hope everyone is good.

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5 thoughts on “Phobias and admitting defeat.

  1. oh im so sorry for all you are going thru at the moment. it is awful to see those notes about what happened to you when you were so young, and its so difficult to deal with and function when you have such a difficult time with phobias and anxiety.

    i think you are doing really well by still getting out and visiting and keeping your perspective so positive!

  2. I have the same issue with going to the loo. I had a workman here the other day. I was dying to use the toilet but made myself ill by holding it in until he had left 5 hrs later. I was pacing the floor in desperation. Whenever I go on holiday, I immediately become constipated until I arrive back home. I don’t feel it rules my life. I’m sure you will be surprised to know that it is not that uncommon. It’s good you are moving forward to seek help, it is obviously having a negative impact on your day to day life.

  3. that’s really tough Bonnie. I am so sorry you are going through that. My dad is like that too. He wont use the toilet in public. He’s conscious of it and embarrassed to do it. So I understand where your coming from. Hope you had a nice time with your so when he got home. XX

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