Hope everyone is well. It’s Sunday evening here in West Yorkshire, UK. We are just 3 more sleeps until Christmas. Exciting huh, My child parts are excited that everywhere is Christmas orientated. Me not so much, but i am doing my best to get into the spirit of things. Christmas is after all a time for celebration and happiness.
Anyway, i figured that since i hadn’t posted much for the past few days i probably ought to pucker up and get something down… So here’s an update.
I saw T on Friday afternoon. I was highly anxious about going but once i arrived i calmed down and was relaxed enough to have a conversation with T. I gave her a note i’d written in the week about my anxiety problems. It basically said that my anxiety is becoming worse and effecting my life. This made T talk about me maybe needing a different service to help with the anxiety because T wasn’t sure she could help me herself and had reservations regarding her limitations as a therapist to help with the anxiety. That’s partly how i took what she said anyway. Her suggesting other services though made us really quite scared. Immediately i was head struck, thoughts all along the lines of “oh shit” i think i must have switched or something, because i don’t remember much else about the session, i just keep hearing snippets of conversation about books, so i presume that’s what was talked about. My child parts were confused, it was like T was chucking us aside because she couldn’t cope. Just like our mother made us feel. It was awful. I thought about it constantly!
After therapy my SO picked me up to take me home. He was at his Grandma Miriams, He was going to take me home, then go back to his Grandmas, because doctors had only given her a few hours. Unfortunately though on our way home we got a call from SO’s mum in which she said that Grandma had gone. She passed away peacefully in her sleep. She drifted off without pain and with her family around her. SO and i sat for 5 minutes in the car, beside the road and cried. Then set off home again. SO stopped off at his ex partners to tell his son, but his son wasn’t there. So we came home. It is sad that Miriam has passed, but we are glad that she is no longer in pain or housebound. She was over 90 and had a very good life. She was loved, always will be, and she will be missed. Her funeral on the 3rd January will be a very emotional day, but it has been decided by the family that it will be a celebration of her life, not a mourning of her death. We will forever look into the stars, and continue to see Grandma Miriams eyes twinkle. RIP and God Bless her.
With my SO understandably pre-occupied with his Grans passing i was unable to talk to him about what had happened when i was seeing T. On Saturday morning i managed to e-mail her with the genuine reason we feel a lot of anxiety. I have to be honest, it is because i fear losing control of my bodily functions while we are at other peoples houses. It terrifies me. The fear is making me incredibly anxious. Obviously with anxiety, your tummy turns, and i have myself in a vicious circle. Initial normal and small anxiety is being manipulated into something extraordinarily big by my thought and imagination. I have admitted the reasons to her though. Finally, i still wish i hadn’t, bodily functions is something i find very private, and struggle to be open about them to others. Especially my T and SO’s posh family. After i sent that e-mail i was still fretting about T having mentioned me using another service. On Saturday night i was chatting to a DID friend of face book about it. She encouraged me to message T and tell her how i felt. I didn’t want to e-mail T. I didn’t want her to worry over Christmas, but as my friend told me, T is trained to have an off switch, i cannot be in a bad place over the holiday period to avoid making T feel bad. She is right. T is the therapist, not me. T must know that some things she says will make us worry and we can’t not tell T our worries because of how it may make her feel. It isn’t out job to worry about how T feels. I need to remember that! Yes we care about T but i can’t put her feelings before my own if she has said something that has upset us. So i e-mailed T. I told her she needed to help me understand what she meant. I told her how my alters don’t allow me to understand her reason logically. We hear like an adult, but if it’s something that could be interpreted wrong then it will be, because i have a child logic and understanding. I have parts inside me that think their own way. i have their thoughts and my own, It isn’t just as simple as telling me something and me deciphering it myself. I also told T that despite me not being su or sh now, like when i was young and really struggling, it doesn’t mean i’m not struggling. I struggle a lot. I just have to manage that struggle differently because i am not a child anymore. I am the same kind of down, but i express it differently. I still struggle and worry and get down a lot. I just know been su or sh isn’t going to make any difference the day after. Except i’d have guilt added on!
T messaged me back this morning. Thankfully. She wasn’t annoyed i’d e-mailed her. She has said that she wasn’t thinking about us ending, and that she was sorry that the way i picked up what she said. She is concerned that my anxiety is getting worse and said she needs to keep in her mind that others have skills she doesn’t that could help me quicker. She said she doesn’t mean she will pull out and disappear, not at all. Her words were “I am very committed to working with you for the foreseeable future”. She just wants us to review what we are doing in Easter, just to see if anything else is needed. With medication or a short block of CBT with a different therapist. I understand now. She also said that she’d read the first e-mail explaining my anxiety, and that understands more what triggered my anxiety, and think of ways to work with it. She said i am right when i say she sometimes forgets child parts are listening, and how they hear things differently. She said sorry for that too. She wants to encourage me to see other professionals including my GP. To build trusting relationships because i need more than just her. I do have more than her, i have my family. I do need to go get magic pills from the doctors though. If i am up early enough i will call them tomorrow and go get some pills.
T has reassured us i think. We feel better. I am just hoping now for a good Christmas i guess.
Today despite anxiety and emotions. SO and i went to clean the offices, then went to SO’s mums. Other family members were there. I was anxious but managed to stay for almost 2 hours. Then on the way home we went to friends house for an hour. I am pleased i managed it, it felt okay. SO and i then came home, and are now relaxing. Tomorrow i need to try go to my sisters, then brothers to drop of Christmas presents. Then on Tuesday to SO’s mums again to drop of presents and SO’s dad to drop off presents. It’s all go! Christmas day we have the option to go to SO’s Aunts for a Christmas party, but SO understands that i just may not be able to manage it. So he isn’t forcing me to go. He’s leaving it up to me.
I almost can’t wait Christmas to be over and done with! Lol.
Merry Christmas Guys and Gals….. Fingers crossed we will all see good changes in 2014!!!!