So she says im not a slut child??

I had my T session today. It was good to see T. She looked different. She was wearing a skirt. Was very weird. Mute spent a bit of time present, never said anything but watched and listened. She likes to watch and listen. She doesn’t know how to speak. T should give her paper to write on!! She can do that. Anyway, T was talking to her, and said something like she looked very cute and it triggered her so she went back inside.

When I came present T and I talked, she apologised for triggering mute, she understood why she was triggered. Mute isn’t convinced T is safe. Thats shooke her up. I had to leave the room and go hide in the toilet for a couplebof minutes to calm her down. T said I was very bold, being able to get up and say I was going to the bathroom! I guess thats some progress. I will message T at some point and tell her mute is still triggered by her saying she looked cute.
I told T about the lady we saw knocked over the other day. She agreed that it sounded traumatic. She said we can practice some EMDR with that if I want to. To show the others that EMDR is a safe way of working she said. I guess its a good idea. I dont think im ready to try EMDR again yet though. I think the christmas season has left me feeling vulnerable.

***MT***
T and I got to talking about blame again today. She said she cant force me to think differently but she wanted me to know she didn’t think that way. I told her how I was a slut child. She said shes never ever met a slut child but like I said to her she wasn’t there. I was somewhat a slut child.

T told me about something they talked about at the conference she went to. How your body remembers even if your mind cant. So even if stuff happens when your a tiny baby, you body still remembers the trauma. She said that children aren’t supposed to have sexual  feelings or contact because their bodies are not ready for it. Me having trauma has a baby made my body remember and have kinda hormones it shouldnt have had when I was a young child and thats what makes a child more sexualised, not the fact that I was simply a slut child.

She said she still doesn’t think I am a slut child, but that my body had natural responses out of my control. I think she got frustrated with my blaming myself. Not at me but at the past situation that has caused me to! I know she doesn’t want me to blame myself. Its hard not to. I told her that if our bodies responded out of our control, then the men were right when they said I caused them to be aroused, because it was their bodies natural reaction to me. She doesn’t think it works like that. Besides they only got aroused after they had undressed me, and I didnt ask them to do that. So im confused!!! I dont know. Maybe sometimes they were just bad. I dont know but I know I didnt help myself. I knew too much and allowed to much. I should have said something but no matter what pain they caused me I didn’t!  That is my fault.  In some way or other most things are. Im sorry but they are.

***End MT***

I ended session with T just saying I wish things hadnt happened. She said she does too, I think she did anyway. I may have just imagined that! Anyway, I forgot to ask when I see her next. Damn. I text her but she never replied. She probably left her phone in her bag or something. I’ll see when she emails. She will probably say then. She said shes gonna email me her christmas schedule too. I asked her not to forget this time! Not in a mean way. She just forgets silly stuff.  I cant be that bothered or id have asked her again by email last week. I hope I see her next week. I don’t know though. Maybe she said as I was leaving. I can’t even remember.

After therapy we went to SOs dads. I helped his dads partner trim up for xmas then wrapped some gifts for her. I like to be helpful.  I could be so much more useful if it wasnt for this damn anxiety!!! I realised whilst there that women thing must be on its way!!! Pffft  hate menses! Hope it doesnt cause much pain. Its been 58 days since last time. Grrr. Hate being female.

Anyway im gonna go cause I wanna anjoy my bath before it goes cold.

Hope everyones well.

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4 thoughts on “So she says im not a slut child??

  1. omg I can’t believe I didn’t read that post..,I don’t know if it will help, because I think I was a slut child too… but my T told me that even if there was such a thing as a slut child, as Adults the men were suppose to stop it (In a event where you would provoke them). It’s because they have boundary problems that they abuse children. Put yourself in a position where a 10 year old boy came on to you naked and tried to seduce you…What would be your reaction? This theory helps me ease the guilt…Do you have physical (sexual reactions) when you read or hear about abuse? (you don’t have to answer) It’s just because I do and it’s the nastiest feeling ever. Like my body react to everything I find disgusting…

    • I know what you are saying, and if any child came to me and attempted to seduce me i would most likely explain to them that i was an adult and adults did not under any circumstance have sexual encounters with a child. I think i’d proceed to find him something to wear also. Naked children makes me so uncomfortable! I do have some reactions when i hear about my abuse yes and even when i think of it. Its a body memory my T says. I am triggered by sight, smell, taste also. However being DID if i get badly triggered before i notice I’ve been triggered i tend to switch. I switch because they take over knowing they can handle that particular trigger much better than i could.
      Thanks for the different perspective regarding what i’d do in the little boy situation! You are right, slut child or not i wouldn’t go ahead and engage in their desires. Thanks hun!
      And thank you for reading and commenting, it means alot

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