I haven’t heard back from T yet. It may be tomorrow. She’s most likely busy, or maybe not even home yet from being away. She went to London, to go to a conference of some sort. I think it’s for EMDR. I’m not sure though. She just said she was going to a conference in London. She goes to loads. She must be the most knowledgeable EMDR person ever.
Anyway i didn’t hear from her yet. I’m kinda having head mash over her e-mail. All of us are. I think we have maybe got the wrong end of the stick. I hope so anyway. They are all screaming at me how T hates us now and the e-mail was supposed to be mean. I don’t think they are right but having people saying that constantly makes you doubt yourself. It’s stupid my T isn’t like that! Maybe we are mis-interpreting her e-mail because she is starting to look at how we blame ourselves?
We are trying to subconsciously ruin the relationship we have with T too. So we can blame ourselves for that too. I don’t want to ruin the relationship i have with T. Therapeutic one i mean. Not at all. I messaged her yesterday too asking about phone contact, whether under her rules it was allowed. I don’t even want to call her, but i kind of need to know i can get in touch with her instantly if i need to. I’ve been meaning to ask for ages about it but never plucked up the courage. Despite many hints at the question. So i asked in e-mail.
After i’d e-mailed i got to thinking about when i first contacted T again and she started seeing me. I remember it being on the proviso that i was going to see my GP and enquire about being referred to Adult Psychological Therapy Services or some alternative therapy service. She knows i tried to this and got nowhere. We’ve started working on things and no mention has been made of me making a transition to another therapy service, does this mean she is my therapist now or should i still be making effort to find someone else. It’s been 10 months since i started seeing her again. Maybe i should ask.
She may be waiting for me to fuck off and leave her alone. Is she okay with me seeing her indefinitely or has she set herself a time limit for seeing me? I don’t even know. Is she gonna say at some point i really should find another service or not? She says i’m important all the time and stuff, and she started seeing me more. Does that mean i will see her indefinitely. I can’t exactly just come out with it and ask. What if she thinks I’ve really been trying to find another service, when in actual fact i haven’t tried for months. Surely she can’t keep just charging me the tiny amount she does indefinitely. She needs to earn something. I don’t even know.
I feel like at some point I may just be left without a therapist… Bugger. I need to stop giving her reason to help me find someone else. i need to be less crazy. Less DID.
I’m going. Need to think.