Still confused.

I haven’t heard back from T yet. It may be tomorrow. She’s most likely busy, or maybe not even home yet from being away. She went to London, to go to a conference of some sort. I think it’s for EMDR. I’m not sure though. She just said she was going to a conference in London. She goes to loads. She must be the most knowledgeable EMDR person ever.

Anyway i didn’t hear from her yet. I’m kinda having head mash over her e-mail. All of us are. I think we have maybe got the wrong end of the stick. I hope so anyway. They are all screaming at me how T hates us now and the e-mail was supposed to be mean. I don’t think they are right but having people saying that constantly makes you doubt yourself. It’s stupid my T isn’t like that! Maybe we are mis-interpreting her e-mail because she is starting to look at how we blame ourselves?

We are trying to subconsciously ruin the relationship we have with T too. So we can blame ourselves for that too. I don’t want to ruin the relationship i have with T. Therapeutic one i mean. Not at all. I messaged her yesterday too asking about phone contact, whether under her rules it was allowed. I don’t even want to call her, but i kind of need to know i can get in touch with her instantly if i need to. I’ve been meaning to ask for ages about it but never plucked up the courage. Despite many hints at the question. So i asked in e-mail.

After i’d e-mailed i got to thinking about when i first contacted T again and she started seeing me. I remember it being on the proviso that i was going to see my GP and enquire about being referred to Adult Psychological Therapy Services or some alternative therapy service. She knows i tried to this and got nowhere. We’ve started working on things and no mention has been made of me making a transition to another therapy service, does this mean she is my therapist now or should i still be making effort to find someone else. It’s been 10 months since i started seeing her again. Maybe i should ask.

She may be waiting for me to fuck off and leave her alone. Is she okay with me seeing her indefinitely or has she set herself a time limit for seeing me? I don’t even know. Is she gonna say at some point i really should find another service or not? She says i’m important all the time and stuff, and she started seeing me more. Does that mean i will see her indefinitely. I can’t exactly just come out with it and ask. What if she thinks I’ve really been trying to find another service, when in actual fact i haven’t tried for months. Surely she can’t keep just charging me the tiny amount she does indefinitely. She needs to earn something. I don’t even know.

I feel like at some point I may just be left without a therapist… Bugger. I need to stop giving her reason to help me find someone else. i need to be less crazy. Less DID.

I’m going. Need to think.

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24 thoughts on “Still confused.

  1. all good things to ask her about. all fodder for worry and craziness when there is no answer, when it is all unknown. big scary questions–hard to choose if some of them should be asked, or left alone. but i think you are on to something, wondering whether the alters are worried and scared, and so are sabotaging your relationship with T. maybe that would be a good topic for the next session?

    so, i hope you get these questions answered and can put some of this anxiety and worry to rest. sending (((hugs))) your way and positive thoughts 🙂

  2. I hope my post may clear things for you rather than muddy them more. T does not “hate” you, any of you. As for your last sentence, you need to be who you are, nothing else.

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