Feeling pissed off at T

These are just stupid feelings. How can she say I am being maladaptive? Or that my beliefs are maladaptive. That’s stupid. She is saying my thoughts cause my emotional problems. Er no horrible men did that. What the fuckkk. Yeah she might think I have stupid beliefs over blame but this is my life and she wasn’t there. She doesn’t know what people said. She’s stupid. Fucking maladaptive. She can take her maladaptive whatevers and fuck it right off.

How also does she think my sister was meant to protect me? She’s only a couple year older than me. That’s stupid. She isn’t gonna make me hate my sister. Shivon has been right all this time. Telling her stuff is stupid. Thisbis stupid. She’s not gonna make me angry I don’t feel angry at nobody but her! The mother isn’t making wrong choices. Don’t be ridiculous. She’s been a stupid selfish bitch like always. I don’t have anything useful so she doesn’t need me. Fuck off with your stupid reasoning. Wrong choices, bullshit. Shitty mother more like. Fuck all of them i don’t evwn care. Yeah lets forgive mother cause she’s struggling to accept that she fucked up and that’s why she been a shit excuse for a mother. Whatever! That excuse is lame to give up on your kids!

And just to add I wasnt gaining mastery in no fucking world at all! Don’t be so ridiculous. I had no control over what the did once they had me. What the hell? How was I gaining mastery.

That email was 100% fucking stupid.



8 thoughts on “Feeling pissed off at T

  1. ok, whoa! slow down, breathe! wow, i can really see that that email really hit you hard. but, i didn’t interpret what she said the same way as you. so i thought if i explained what i got out of the email T sent you, maybe it would show a different, less hurtful meaning.

    first one, having maladaptive feelings or using maladaptive behaviors–i totally get how you felt she was telling you how you see things that happen as a crisis is unacceptable, not how you should see it. but i think what she was trying to say was not that you think wrong or act wrong–i think she was trying to show you that when you get triggered sometimes, you respond in a way that could be more healthy, more stable for you, and that she wants to help you do that. she wants to help you see when you react to a trigger that you can change it to something less traumatic, less upsetting. she was trying to say, i think, that your normal responses to triggers can be made better, so you will have less upset, less trauma. and i think she was also saying that your current responses to triggers were very very good ways to deal with danger and abuse when you were young and growing up still. but now, you can learn better ways of dealing with things. but it will take some work and time!

    when she says that your negative thoughts ’cause your emotional problems’ that really sounds like you are hurting yourself on purpose, and i know that ain’t true! but i think T knows its not true either. i think what she might have meant by that statement is that sometimes when you get triggered and you react, you might kind of spiral down, from one negative thought to the next, each one worse and more unsafe than the last. this makes you scared, anxious, which makes you think even more negative things are going to happen in whatever triggered you, and that this makes you more depressed and more anxious. sometimes, if we can just make our brain stop dwelling on the bad thing or scary thing or upsetting thing, and just leave it alone for a while, we won’t get more scared, more sad, more worried, instead, we’ll just put it aside and stay feeling ok-ish, until things have settled inside us and we can go back and look at it again but with a calmer mind, so it won’t seem as upsetting.

    and yes, you are absolutely correct, 100%—your triggers, your way of coping, your anxiety and feeling of not being safe were valid feelings when those men abused you–and you learned how to get through it, through the days one by one. those men are the ones that hurt you, and the ones that made you so scared that you had to split into parts to hold all the terror, all the pain, for all these years. those men are the ones that made you split, that made you learn these ways of protecting yourself. your brain is beautiful–it did all that and it saved you and helped you get through all that. but now, you can change how you get through the days when things happen that remind you of the abuse of those men. now you can stop holding this pain and terror in, and you can take care of all the other parts by telling them now they are safe, they don’t need to protect you in that way anymore because those men are gone and you are safe now.

    there was a really important child development researcher named Piaget and another named Erickson. what they basically said was that children go through certain stages of development from birth to adulthood. they broke it into about 5 stages, and the first one, that an infant goes through, is mastery of trust or mistrust. mastery of trust means that in the first year of life, the infant learns that when it cries, someone comes and fixes what the baby needs done. if the infant does not master trust as an infant, probably because no one came when it cried or only came sometimes, then it does not learn it can trust others to come and fix what it needs. the other steps are similar (can’t remember all of them, and this is already long enough!)
    so one of the other steps is what T was talking about. its a step where the young child learns to have mastery over the things in its world. this is like being able to feed oneself, to trust and know that if the adult leaves the room, they will return and the child doesn’t have to be scared that they are temporarily gone. or like being able to use the bathroom, or entertain oneself, etc., this is mastery of ones environment/world. you were supposed to be learning these stages and mastering them. but instead, because of what your mother didn’t do (protect you), and because of what those men did do, (hurt you), you weren’t able to learn those steps, to feel confident in your ability to keep yourself safe, to trust other to keep you safe, to not be hurt any more. so i think T was meaning you never got to master that step, because of the neglect and abuse you endured, and so now its hard for you to feel safe, to feel calm when you get triggered (of things that remind you of the abuse), and hard to trust that others will help you or that you will have the ability to do it either.

    so all in all, i think T was trying to say she knows how badly you were hurt by those that neglected to protect you and keep you safe and also that you were hurt by those men and what they did. i think T knows that the way you cope was what you had to do then to keep yourself safe, to protect yourself, and that is why you split. and i think T wants to help you change the way you cope so that you can trust others and also trust yourself to protect you from now on, to keep you safe. i think maybe she just didn’t explain it very well, because i can totally see how you felt that she was attacking you and telling you all your problems were your fault. i hope this helps you to see that she might not/probably not meaning to hurt you, but probably really meaning to explain what can now be changed to help you be stronger, safer, more able to trust others and to believe in yourself.

    good luck in keeping up the great progress and moving forward a little more each day, and i hope you are able to work things out with T. hang in there, your’e worth it! 😉

    • First of all thank you for taking the time to reply and explain. I really do appreciate it.

      Strangely, it was an alter (Nat) who wrote this post, strange because she is never judgemental of T, and would never speak like this aiming it at her!

      T’s e-mail did confuse me a little but nothing i was super pissed about. Due to finding this post and reading it, i am going to simply e-mail T and send her a link to it, and ask her to confirm or correct Nats beliefs about what was written in the e-mail.

      I will be sure to try get Nat to read your comment. Again i am really appreciative of it.

      I’m sure we will all works things out with T. I won’t let it not happen!

      Thank you and keep well.

  2. Just a quickie to say I am reading your posts and hoping you start to feel better soon. I know what it’s like to be in a quandary over a therapist’s interpretation of something so personal.

    • Thanks. It is nice to know i am heard. I am hoping too. hear from T soon to lay this to rest. Some alters are starting to try make me think she hates me! I hope to hear from her real soon.

      • I doubt she hates you or even remotely dislikes you otherwise she wouldn’t work with you. I also get into a tizzy when waiting on a reply to something important. I’m sure it will eventually settle those doubting minds.

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