Been a busy bee today.

So i woke up today thinking, okay so i don’t see T today, what can i do instead. My SO went to our friends to help Tarty do some DIY stuff. So i decided that with the house to myself i was going to get laundry done and clean this house. I don’t think i did too badly. 

I’ve washed the dogs beds, washed our winter coats, washed SOs sons bedding, and I’ve put last couple weeks laundry away! I’ve also cleaned my kitchen. Bleached all of the cupboard doors and given them a good clean. Washed all the dishes and dried them. Vacuumed round, cleaned glass furniture in my sitting room. Now i am waiting for the groceries to arrive. So i can make some dinner, before i have to putting the bedding back on SOs sons bed and sort the rest of the clothes out.

Despite keeping myself busy it still felt strange not going to see T. 

I got the longer reply from T i was waiting for too. She says me blaming myself is a maladaptive belief. I’m not sure how to take this. I feel like i have in fact adapted very well! I’m left confused by this. I will ask T when i e-mail her. Maybe she didn’t mean it how I’ve read it! She did at least say she understood my logic in my belief over where blame for certain things lie. Which is something i guess. She also says i have every right to be angry at my parents, but i don’t feel angry! I can’t be angry, i am just upset! I know it seems weird but i’m sure my T wants to try make excuses for my mother being the way she is. That annoys me. I think she wants to give her an excuse so i feel better about it. Maybe. She said as a child i was maybe trying to understand and gain mastery over the world i grew up in. WTF is that supposed to mean? That’s stupid.I don’t know whether my ability to understand her is impaired, or whether she has just been trying to think to hard how to word it that she worded it totally unnaturally!  It’s weird.

I plan on e-mailing her back at some point. She’s away until Sunday, so no point doing it yet because she’ll be too buys to reply. I may just copy paste what i wrote here. Hmmmm.

I hope my shopping arrives soon. I’m hungry. 


32 thoughts on “Been a busy bee today.

  1. As far as I know, maladaptive thoughts are thoughts which don’t really serve us well. They might be thoughts which hold us back or which reinforce some of our behaviours. Maybe that’s what your therapist is referring to.

  2. At the risk of grumbles…

    Early childhood experiences shape our self schema. These traumatic sort of experiences form a maladaptive schema. This is a deep level containing memories and intense emotions. These beliefs are formed on emotions and experiences not logic. Because of this they are resistant to change, therapy though works on changing this concept of thought. She is not saying something negative about you Bonny and group. She is, I think, telling you what you will be working on together. Now with victims of SA of various forms, self blame is part of this. They feel they should have done something differently, that it is their fault. Possibly that there is something wrong with them, this sort of thinking is not logical it is emotion based, reaction based. It is maladapted. It is a bit of what I have been mentioning to you. Tis a common thread, this sort of belief. bonny, it was not your fault. I know you will argue with me about this, how could I know. But I do.

    Does this help a bit?

    • So she isnt saying something bad, like im not doing enough to change it? Thats what maladaptive means. I double checked it on google and it said unable to adapt. I adapt. I so adapt.
      I guess some things may not have been my fault, but it is really difficult to believe that everything isn’t my fault. When I try say to myself it wasn’t my fault I just get thought after thought through my head. Like video playback of every one saying I was causing what was happening. In some way or other. It makes everyone go crazy inside. It just hard to make me think anything different, never mind trying to get them to think differently. I dunno. I just feel too stuck to change.
      I hope she can help and make me not think everything is my fault. I just don’t understand what she’s getting at because it really was what they said and it really was. I can’t see logic in saying it wasnt.

      It’s weird

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