I am gonna ban anyone but me using my phone. I cannot allow us to put “go fuck yourself” as a reply to someone in comments. That’s naughty. I’m not a horrible person. Honest! The thing about DID is sometimes you grind the wrong part of me’s gears and they don’t really care too much about saying what they think of you. So yeah, i’m not a bad person.
Anyway i saw my T today. I was 15 minutes late, grrrr, because i didn’t watch the clock very well, and neither did my SO. T wasn’t pissed off or anything though. In fact she was in the waiting room waiting for me. Was like i was receiving a standing jubilation for finally arriving. Lol.
It was quite a tough session, well not really tough, but we talked about some kind of tough stuff. By tough i mean, it will be tough for her to change my beliefs about what we talked about. It wasn’t tough for me to say it, in fact i was very matter of fact about it. So i guess you are wondering? We talked a while about random things, and then got onto my mother and i started to tell T how clearly i had messed up somewhere somehow because nothing seemed to have gone right where i am concerned with my mum or dad. She was attempting to tell me otherwise. I just believe i’m right though, i mean lets be honest. How can a parent hate their own child that much to be so cruel? Unless they’ve done something really bad! That’s the only reason i can come up with.
****** MT ****** Don’t read this part if you may become upset (SA CONTENT)
I ended up getting onto the subject of sexual abuse, and things i experienced as a child. I know i was a child and adults should know better, but i think i won’t be alone in saying that in someway you still hold blame on yourself! I blame myself. I didn’t do enough to stop it! I have a belief that had i not been the child i was, thing like that wouldn’t have happened. There is a reason i was chosen by bad people, i could have been different and they wouldn’t have chosen to do anything to me. I should have been less naive and less trusting. I was too open, too gullible and i blame myself for that. I wasn’t unaware of bad things happening before then as a child, i don’t have the excuse of “oh i didn’t know”, the blame has to be layed somewhere and i put it on myself! It’s okay people saying otherwise and offering opinions of why i am not to blame, but no-one else was there. I was. i know what i saw/felt/did. It’s the simplest, most logical explanation. I obviously somehow, someway asked for or deserved such things to happen. What other reason is there for it happening so much? People aren’t sought after for being nothing, you have to be something to be sought after! You know that. Everything falls to pots around me! It’s just one of those things. I think i just need to accept it!
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With me being late for therapy, that’s all we got chance to talk about really. Well other than a little chat about alters and the DID at the start of the session. She likes to catch up every week on how everyone is doing!
So yeah that’s that!
Least my car is fixed today 😀 It was ready this morning. We just need a radio code, cause we don’t have it, and with it being the alternator that broke, so it reset the ECU that control the engine and drained the batter so the car couldn’t remember the security codes and for the stereo to work. It’s a pain in the ass but we should be able to sort it. At least the cars running okay. We were meant to go shopping after Therapy but we had to go back to SOs dads so we have to go tomorrow. We are such busy busy people!
Anyway i’m gonna go i might write another post later, but for now my mind has gone blank.