Journaling.

This isn’t a post i wrote for my blog but something written on a forum i use. I didn’t want to lose it, because i t feels important. So i am documenting it here. So i have it. It feels like it belongs in my journaling on here.

We are sorry but we are not around much lately. We are really struggling. T has stopped all memory work, and has advised that we should look into getting antidepressant medicine. We have been experiencing extreme anxiety and low moods. It is difficult for us right now to accept problems with our mother. It is like we are mourning her. She is not passed away, she just doesn’t care about us, but it feels like she is just gone like when someone dies. She wasn’t always a good person to us but I cannot stop myself wishing she loved and cared about us.

We are going through a stage right now whereby any parental love we see is being a big trigger to our childhood and good/bad feelings about our mother, our so mum is so triggering for us that I currently cannot face being near here. It’s really stupid because I love her so much and she cares about me alot too. She is how a mum should be, and I just cannot face love right now. My so doesn’t understand why I am so anxious to go visit her and stuff, and I can’t explain it either. I just go into state of panic attacks and stuff when I think of seeing her. I wish it were different. On top of that Christmas is hard for us. We don’t have our family to celebrate with, I miss having my family. Even with the badness, I feel like I don’t belong anymore. SOs family are so nice I am not even sure I deserve to be a part of it. I don’t want Christmas to happen this year, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when it was over.

We are just struggling, it feels like fighting on is pointless, we told T and she said to think of all the good things we have in life but she doesn’t seem to understand that stuff doesn’t feel like it matters because I don’t feel like I have a future here. I’m just a lost soul. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am tired of fighting every step of the way. I keep venting and stuff on our blog but nothing changes. Nothing is ever simple.

I think one of my failings also is regarding fertility. Doctors keep pushing appointments back and I feel like they are avoiding telling me bad news. Have to wait until after the new year to find out if I’m too broken and I am not able to wait that long. I need t know if this last part of me that defines me being a female actually works. What has been the point in fighting for a future I I don’t have one to fight for. Havigpng a family is important to me. I think maybe the fertility stuff is a big factor making us feel inadequate. I don’t know what else to say.

I’m kind of wishing I could just hide in my duvet all the time. Just block out the world and wither away. I just wanna feel ok though. I haven’t felt this beaten emotionally in years, and it doesn’t seem like I will feel much better anytime soon. We aren’t helping each other either, everyone inside is avoiding this NOW problem. Or am I pushing them out and stopping them? We don’t know, we are too numb to know. Our brain is mush. It is hard for us to try do what we enjoy. Seeing friends is a chore. Leaving the house, or knowing they are coming to our house makes me feel anxious. I just don’t understand it. We are always anxious, anxious about existing. How can you just be anxious about existing? I don’t even know, but everyday we feel panic in our stomach. Even when we’re home ‘relaxing’ it is always there. We don’t know what to do.

T has stopped working on memories. She says they may be causing us too much distress especially alongside our problems with our mum and stuff. She said we are not working on them again until we have fixed this problem we are having. She wants us to be better before we work on trauma. She said that she hasn’t known us be in such a bad place for a long time. Especially with si and su thoughts. That’s why she suggested meds, we all respect her opinion, and don’t wanna let her down but I oh so hate meds. If they will help us though what else can I do? T helps, but she can’t be there 24/7. So yeah… weird place right now. I’m sorry we haven’t been around. I hope everyone is ok. Us all,

I am trying to take it one day at a time, each day is just so dreadful, and knowing another day is coming actually scares me! Leaving the house doesn’t help the anxiety. I am anxious about being out. Who might see me, what might happen. It’s crazy. I know the holidays aren’t real close but they are coming and all of the x-mas ads and stuff on TV are a reminder of that. I know to have a child i need to be feeling okay and grounded. I only started therapy again to sort things out before we have a child. I don’t intend to bring a child into this.

I am sorry anyone has similar feelings to me. They are horrible. I don’t feel able to make lists right now but i am going to try later. I just need to motivate myself to do it. I am gonna tell my T that we really need to work on things around my mum. Most often i make her change subject when it comes to my mum, because talking about her makes me feel like i could cry, and i can’t cry. T has never seen me cry. How daft would i look! Crying! I am gonna try keep reminding myself who is around to help me right now.

I’m not 100% sure whats caused me to get this low all of a sudden. I was just reading a book, and the person in it was doing all of these things and i kept thinking in my head, i couldn’t do that without being anxious, and every time the person in the book did something it hit me, harder and harder. Then i just realised all at once that my life is no good. I am not living. This is no kind of life. It’s stupid how a book can do that. I felt su for first time in so long. I’m fighting myself not to si. It’s crazy. Regarding my parents i just hurt right now. I’m going through hurting and blaming myself. Feeling like i deserved everything. I must have for it to be so bad. It’s stupid but thoughts won’t stop. Just going in circles all of the time. I can’t feel angry. I don’t know why. How can i be angry at my mother? Do i have a right to be angry? I don’t even know. Maybe she has her reasons. Regarding medicine, i know they are to help, and i understand my brain isn’t in a panic but my body always is. That’s exactly how i am. My body always in panic. Are anti-depressants going to help with that. T did a questionnaire thing on Friday, it said my anxiety is higher than the depression. By a fair bit, and she said it most likely means that it is anxiety that i the main cause of me being depressed and then unable to cope. I hope i can get some relief. I sure need it.

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