So i thought i e-mailed T yesterday, in fact i’m damn sure i emailed her last night! I didn’t get a reply this morning, so put it down to her being busy, still no reply this evening, so i figured i’d check that i’d sent it, and not just saved it to drafts. Just in case, but there is no e-mail! Nowhere. Did i totally imagine it? I don’t really remember what i wrote in it, but i’m sure i sent it. Did someone delete it before i could press send?? Worst thing is, i can’t simply e-mail her again and say, hey did i send you a e-mail or did i just imagine it, cause let’s face it, i’d look as stupid as they come! I’m confused. I’m sure i sent it, but it’s nowhere to be seen!

Can Outlook sometimes have moments where sent messages hide? If not i’m gonna go mad with whoever on the inside deleted it. I only e-mail T when it’s important and they messed it up! I’m not jumping to conclusions though. Not yet. I did tell T I would e-mail her though. What if she is worried? Nar that’s silly. She may not even care! People only care because they have to. Not because they want to!

That’s how it seems to be anyway.

I am still stuck on my roundabout. What a bust this life is…

I am just lost. That is all. Just lost. I’ve lost my train of thought…

In between our sessions my T is apparently going to be trying to find ways to help me with my anxiety that do not make me feel stupid! I have issues with looking stupid. She has all kinds of dodgy methods of cuddling yourself and tapping yourself and other stuff which i outright refused to do, they’d make me feel stupid causing more anxiety not less. An anxious person does not want to draw attention to themselves, and me sat in a corner doing body movements like a contortionist isn’t gonna decrease attention! T has tis hippo bear in her office, and some other toys. My littles oh so bad want to play with them, but T knows i will not allow it because of the stupid thing. One session she said i’m going to pass you the hippo, i want you to keep it next to you, on the couch… I almost like literally crapped myself, palpitations and everything. Now whenever she mentions that hippo i instantly say NO NO NO. Oh my gosh i hate that hippo! I hate looking stupid! I thought it was just me who didn’t do looking stupid, but i was reading another blog earlier and they are the same! It’s not just an “i can’t look stupid” in public either. I cannot look stupid anywhere. not an home, not over the phone, not over the computer, and its a big thing if i wrongly let it happen! It’s ridiculous but out of my control! Beauty of being me! Not that beauty is the correct word.

I’m going.


7 thoughts on “Confused.

  1. There are a lot of goofy things, that appear goofy, that really work to calm. The butterfly hug and the tapping. 🙂

    Breathing exercises, done so much that you want to scream.. until they become second nature and can help you over come panic attacks or very strong anxiety. Some of these things can be done, in public, so that no one knows you are doing them.

    • Ye we are practicing breathing techniques, it just difficult to get co operation from everyone. We are really doing well learning to control our breathing because we tend to forgt to breathe when in a panic

      • it is very hard to do, this is why if you do it often, it becomes easier. Is everyone with you all the time? Does one of you fight this more than others?

      • Ye it is very hard. I am getting myself used to narrating my breathing toclear my mind for now. Most of the time I can make everyone do it with me. Its nice when they do it bexause when they are tense, it makes me tense. Regarding fighing it, I have a part who is a little angry and thinks it stuoid who most often puts up a fight and makes others feel guilty for taking part.

      • A big part of the breathing, is the concentration involved, taking it to a mindfulness session, total concentration. Again more practice, but the effect of calming increases massively.

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