Bleurghhh, what does that even say??

So, it’s almost 1.30. I am super extremely lost in myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel like i am a strange place in life going round and round and round a roundabout, with many paths leading off, but every path has big ass padlocked gates and many monsters, so i just keep going round and round and round, never getting anywhere. Stuck in an abyss. Forever doomed!

What i find strange is that being DID doesn’t really give me any better chance than someone without it right now. I feel like my alters have ditched me and are making me suss this out alone! They are too scared to come and take over because everything that is happening right now is constant, there is nothing they can do to change it. We are very much stuck.

I think, but despise saying, i miss being able to say i have parents. I’ve never been able to say, yeah these are my parents. My T has never met them, in all the year i saw her as a teen, nor now. My SOs family have never met them. I could be some runaway kid for all they know. It’s sort of like my family only ever existed the way they are in my head. I don’t know. Did i do this? Did i push them away? I feel like i made things this way. Maybe i deserve all this bad stuff. It is said that everything happens for a reason. Is it because i am a bad person?

I want a good mum and dad. I don’t want thinking of my mum to hurt. I just can’t let go of her. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that i really no longer have any parents and it hurts me bad. What am i supposed to do? Every one of my alters misses having a mum and dad. Even though we all feel like neither of them ever really did anything to help us. How should we feel?? I don’t know why i can’t let go. Is therapy gonna help me let go of thought about my mother? I don’t even know. My child parts are really struggling with never seeing her. We can’t talk about her much either. I don’t like to. i feel like i could scream i want my mum, with tears sloppy-ness and everything, but i can’t let myself cry. Can you even mourn someone who isn’t dead, but just doesn’t care about you? I don’t know what my next step is regarding parents. Why doesn’t she care about me? I hate her, but i don’t hate her at all. It’s all just clearly gotta be my fault. there’s no other explanation for so much crappy stuff to happen.

What point is there if we can only expect badness? Is the life purpose to see how far it can push us???

T has advised me to go to my GP’s this week, for meds… grrr. Not happy about that. I hate taking meds. They make me feel weird, and all my alters don’t like them cause it makes our head weird. We rarely take pills because we don’t like what could be in them, i mean how do you know if someone didn’t screw up at the pharmaceutical company?? You don’t. How do i know the guy at the pharmacy isn’t gonna lace them with Rohypnol then come and kidnap me in my sleep. May sound far fetched but how do i know. Meds have been used against me in the past. So it scares me thinking of having to take them again…. I respect my T’s advice though and i don’t want to let her down, so i have to go see about getting some. I can have them but not take them until i’m comfortable with it i guess.

So yeah, that’s that. I’m going.

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12 thoughts on “Bleurghhh, what does that even say??

  1. It’s natural to want the people that are supposed to love you most; it’s also completely normal to mourn that loss even wif you ever had it. Don’t feel lost, it’s all part of the process.

  2. Empathise with so much of this post. I am 20 years old, and cut my parents off formally in summer. Despite the fact they stood by and let me be abused, and even took part, I still miss them. I miss being like any other student and being able to say even simple things like “ah I just need to ring my mum.” You know? I feel orphaned somehow. I always was but only *feel* it now. I think it’s that realisation…
    But we all deserve people in our life who love for us and care. And part of that is learning for ourselves who loves us and cares. I learnt my parents don’t, and that having them in my life would be like poison.
    But I do miss them.
    The process is shitty, and I won’t try and convince you otherwise. I will just offer a hand and the knowledge you’re not alone with this strange sense of grief, and if there’s anything I can do…please say…

    • Im 23. I didn’t talk to my dad since I was 18 and formally cut my mother of early this year because trying to form a real relationship with her was no good for me as I continued getting hurt. Even though my fathe has done things he shouldn’t have to me, and allowed others to I miss him. And my mum, well she let everything happen and used it against me but I miss her. I envy people who have parents. And a good parent is strangely a trigger for me to feel bad. I know the orphaned feeling. It’s strange.
      My parents, and others, have made me believe everyone who ‘cares’ probably has an ulterior motive. I have to get over thsy.
      The process is certainly shitty, and I hate it. Thank you for your support and understanding. It means alot. Although right now I’m not sure there is much anyone can do.
      Thanks again and keep well.
      Bonny

  3. Painful post. Even though a lot of the time my T reckons I don’t miss my parents, but miss the idea of having parents (and good ones!), I do think there are times when fleetingly I do actually miss them. I can relate to the pain xx

    • I can’t help but miss them, even though T says they are bad people, and i know they are bad. I take comfort that others can relate, but also hate that others can relate x

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