Wishing for dreams

Its almost 2.30 am. With lack of coffee today it’s kinda helped tire me. I still feel like I will lay here awake for hours, but I will know whether it’s the caffeine or not.

Im feeling indifferent. Do I even know what that means? Errr??? I just don’t know how I feel. I know tomorrow isn’t going to be much better than today. Maybe my brain just wont wake up. I know it will. To fight another day. This life thing is difficult.

My parts are mostly struggling right now, they can’t deal with me being so low. I feel like I’m pulling them down. My strange sadness is too much for them to come up frot and handle. I think this is a different sadness than they are used to. It’s strange. Just strange. I’m a bit perplexed as to how this sad realisation has just hit me like a ton of bricks. Acknowledging my struggles has brought me so far down it scares me.

I emailed t this evening, on SOs mums request. I told her what I feel. She’s gonna think I’m having just a moment. Did I tell her I had issues other than my past before? I don’t even know. Is she going to think this is just out of th blue? I don’t know that either. I could scream help from the rooftops right now! I don’t want to leave I just want to feel ok!

Self harm and end of life thoughts have not entered my mind in a serious manner for so long I’d almost forgotten what the yearning felt like. I don’t even want to do those things though. I’m just struggling to see how thing’s could improve.

Is it my past causing this?? I don’t know. To have constant anxiety, even of T is so strange to me. T who I trust so much it’s silly yet being with her makes me feel strangely uncomfortable, yet safe and cared for at the same time. I so look forward to seeing her but am getting into a routine where I feel anxious being with her. Is it because she’s helping me face my past? Am I letting myself think she is seeing past so is therefore safe but causin a body memory of my past? I don’t even know.

I need to shut off my brain and sleep, fingers are crossed tightly. I want to wake up and feel ok.

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