I am unsure whether this is me sinking into a depression or whether this is just my life, but today i can see how negative I feel.
This past hour for some reason i have had the most thoughts of the pointlessness of my life in years! I sat quietly thinking about how really rubbish it is right now. Is this my life? Is it all I should expect? I feel like it’s constant fall after fall. I’m not actually getting anywhere.
I almost feel as though I could do with some respite from myself. Which is strange because I have D.I.D and I guess my alter personalities could be seen as just that. I don’t however feel like I am getting any breaks right now. Life just feels like it’s pretty rubbish.
I could sit and let days pass doing nothing. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see people I don’t want to go out. I am anxious about life. Is that even possible? To just be anxious about existing. I guess I should write about whats happening to cause these feelings. I don’t think I’ve even gone into depths about this with T.
So I realised this evening that my life is pretty rubbish because I never just feel ok. Always some part of my body aches or is knotted or tense. I feel sick or bloated. My body never just feels normal. Everyday there is something making me feel ‘iffy’ even now my tummy just feels heavy. Just heavy and uncomfortable and I don’t even know why! To top that off I’m some freak breed of women who’s body doesn’t even do what women’s should. I hear women pleased with the lack of menstruation this month, frustrated at having to shave their legs once a week. Try barely having periods, and having PCOS causing you to feel like a man each time you have to take care of your personal hygiene! Hair grows too quick, if I didn’t take care if it I’d probably be a runner up in the movember celebrations! Can I say being a women sucks? No! Cause I don’t feel like I am one. I can’t even produce a child. This vagina of mine is clearly all for show because it doesn’t even sniff the paper in fulfilling the spec of a normal one! When I am ‘lucky’ enough to menstruate, which happens now and again, I sit, stand, curl up and pray, begging for some god to come and remove the very ovaries which I earlier begged to make me more women. Just to stop the excruciating pain the very same god feels the need to put me through.
That’s not all in my plight for official belief i have a pretty rubbish life though. Anxiety it seems is a common occurence in my life. I’ve always had some form of it. However now it feels like it is becoming a weight pulling me down making every step forward in my plight to function impossible. I used to feel normal. I could do normal things. I wasn’t frightened of doctors or dentists. I wasn’t anxious of people I knew. Thoughts didn’t make my stomach tie in knots and make me feel as though my whole internal organs were gonna fall out my ass or be projectile vomited across the way. Now they do though and i can experience the above for months or weeks before the event im worried about. I have to leave my house tomorrow, for work. Im anxious about it! Why? I don’t know. I want to avoid my life. Run away. Padded cell for bonny please! I don’t even know what to do.
And all i want is to feel ok! I am seeing t but really…. Why? Is facing my past and dealing with it helping now?? It doesn’t feel like like it. So what do I do to help now? How do I cope when I get somewhere and my anxiety is so intense that I feel I have to leave because my stomach is so knotted it wants everything out of it and will extract it whichever way it finds quickest. Simple answer right? Visit a bathroom. Cannot I repeat cannot happen. I would not ever dream of doing that! I worry thinking about having to. Maybe that’s my problem? A fear of vomiting or defecating in others company, well not in others company but you know in their homes and stuff?
How do you overcome something you never ever plan on doing? Bearing in mind when such anxiety event takes place my stomach knots, then causing the above fear. What am i supposed to do. I must add that had I been at home, and the anxiety not taken place I would not have needed to vomit or the other thing so it isn’t as though relief is needed. So it is purely the anxiety that starts the body feeling then thought process of gonna vomit or defecate making body feeling worse. Now it’s all well and good knowing this, but I don’t know how to stop it.
I never had a problem until about 2 year ago with anxiety. The first thing I can think back to is my endometriosis surgery, in Nov 2 year ago. For some reason I was very anxious (this was second time of surgery. First time year before I was fine) I was there at 7am, surgery was at about 10.30 and I kid you not. I spent 90% of that time in the toilet! Weird!
I keep just thinking and thinking to try solve the mystery but I can’t grasp the problem. All I do know is I am not happy. Is it depression or something worse. I wish I could just crawl into myself and cease to exist. Just like that. I don’t want to just exist like this anymore. This is not a life at all!
I feel like I could push a button and just be done!!
There, my heartfelt confession.