Confusion overload

I had a session with my t this afternoon. She looked different. Her skin looked warmer than usual.Which is surprising, because the room she uses is really rather cold! Even t was wearing a scarf. Anyway i think the session went okay.

T said our first memory work with EMDR had been, it seems, processed. Which i guess is brilliant. I can safely say that whilst at the time the event caused me distress, i can accept that it was some time ago and whilst people may still find it funny, they are not laughing specifically at me, but at what happened. They would laugh had it happened to anyone else too. Yes my parents dealt with it in the wrong way, as they did most things. That i just have to accept as simply the way my parents were. They have done things better and worse. The memory is settled.

So we were thinking of another memory to begin working with. T got out a list we made some weeks before. Read out a few of the things written. Then, i presume, i switched to Nat, i think. It’s strange because i am co-conscious with Nat, or so i thought, but she seems to have some ability to make it difficult for me to see/hear when she has control of the body. I remember being inside. I couldn’t hear anything though. I was just able to sense distress. It’s weird. Whenever i am on the inside i can tell when something is wrong with whoever has the body. I can feel their emotions somewhat. Not fully but i feel them a little. So i think i used more energy trying to get back up front than trying to listen to what was happening. Strangely, G’ma wanted me to stay inside. She usually helps me get back up front. She said, stay here, stay here. I couldn’t take back over anyway. Soon enough though i was back in Ts office. She didn’t realise that i had switched back straight away. I noticed how soft her voice was when she was speaking to Nat. She speaks pleasantly, and slowly. It made me wonder how young Nat perceived herself to be, because i know she is around 15 years old. Maybe T knew how frightened she was. T did realise i had switched back soon enough.

I had to ask who had come upfront, although i think i knew. I also tried to see what Nat had said. T said she didn’t know. Nat had just said “playing families” then T had tried to help her with the memory using EMDR. It was 10 minutes until the end of our session when T got me back. She made me go to a safe place before i left. I am unsure why, i didn’t work on anything. Maybe she thought i could take Nat there if i got there myself, or that Nat would follow. I don’t know. I struggled to get there. I was focused on trying to get Nat to share the memory with me, I have got as far as “playing families” and “Keith” or the postman man as we usually refer to him. I am thinking that she means playing Husband/Wife family, and doing what that would bring in a normal adult relationship. I am hoping though that isn’t the case. I know what he did, but I’m unsure the scale of “playing families” and if it involved something different/worse than i know about. I do know what the postman did, but i don’t know specific memories, or fine details. The only thing i 100% remember is a memory regarding him doing unspeakable things then causing damage that scared him. Maybe he did worse things? I have a feeling that over the next few days Nats memory will come more to the surface. If it doesn’t i will worry, because it must be really bad if she will not share it at all. So yes that’s that.

Stepping away from that part of the session, we also discussed, well T spoke i “listened” about a part of my blog she had read. It was a post a couple of week ago, the catch up one, which briefly said i was worried that T was out of her depth dealing with DID. Well that’s how she read it anyway. So she reassured me that whilst she didn’t have much experience with people with Dissociative Identity Disorder, she’d had some training or something on it, and she did have a person who was really experienced with DID to get advice from. She was saying that i needn’t worry she didn’t tell this person about me specifically. To be honest though, I wouldn’t really care that much if she did. She can say what she wants to him/her if it helps her to help me.

T also mentioned my last e-mail and how it said about her sitting closer to us and such, she said we could also change the way we did EMDR and rather than use the ermm thera-tapper thing, she could tap the top side of my hands. I did in some ways want her to sit next to us, but she made it weird, not purposely. Also regarding tapping with her fingers, the contact would be good i think, but it would also make it more difficult for me to pull myself into myself, if that makes sense, when using the buzzers, if i need to i can pull my arms tighter into myself, where as if she were tapping the tops of my hands i would have to have them away from me, and would maybe feel wide open. Unable to hold myself almost. I don’t know.

Maybe next week I’ll feel differently.

One more thing i must add regarding today, is the following. I text my sister this evening. I wanted to find out whether my mother had received the card i had sent. She said she had, and that my mother hadn’t said anything about it other than that I’d sent one and she apparently did the look. When i asked what my sister meant by the look, she said you know, the one she does, the not impressed look. So she wasn’t happy I’d sent her a card for her birthday. Oh well, i can rest easy knowing that i did!

I don’t know what else to write, my thought process has shut down! I’m gonna go. I will write more tomorrow.

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