I feel like we have had an accomplishment today. We went to SOs mums, for food. She had said thag I could choose to go out to a restaurant or eat in. What with me having anxiety issues surrounding going out with SOs parents. Anyway we got to her house and I said we’d eat in. Then within a minute said no, I can be strong we can go to the restaurant. Admittedly it was my insiders pushing me that helped. So yeah I borrowed some of SOs mums eyeliner to feel less under dressed then we went. It was nice. Difficult but nice I am proud of myself.
However alongside my feeling of proud are questions. Having arrived at SOs mums and telling her we’d eat in something told me I didn’t want to be there. I felt anxious. Then when I said we’d eat out felt a different anxiety. Hows that work? So should I be proud that I went out or disappointed because I technically ran from the feeling of anxiety I was experiencing thinking of eating in?
Which feeling should I feel stronger for? I feel like I did well going to the restaurant because I haven’t been able to face it for over a year. Also that is the problem I was aware of and I feel like I have taken a step toward getting through it.
Anyhow, afterward we went back to SOs mums. I was tired. Real tired. It really tired me out getting through the meal. We got back and I was just looking forward to getting home to rest and let everyone inside calm down. Big moment s take their toll on them too. So yeah, when we got to his mums I kind of just said I’m so tired then fell sideways from being sat up and just stayed there. I realise now that I was putting myself into a foetus position. Maybe to regain myself. SOs mum startes to stroke my hair. I have to admit it was relaxing. I felt like for that period of time I belonged. Me and all insiders were relaxed. At points everything went into a blur and we came round a couple minutes later. I wanted to crawl up closer to SOs mum and be loved more. I refrained from doing so but enjoyed the love I did receive. I stayed there for almost 45 minutes until I said it was time to go home. I felt safe.