Vent away….. if you insist

So, now I have my damn mother on my mind. My insiders are confused. Especially the littles. They dont understand the complexity over mothers birthday. Am I just over thinking things??? Who even knows? Mother doesn’t care about me. I know this. I have proof of this. She lies, she is vindictive, she is sour. She doesn’t want me because I have no use for her.

Proof my mother hates me? Here it comes…. a few month ago my brother told me it was my nieces christening in October, he said he wanted me to be a god mother, I was thrilled. Afterward he said my mother wasn’t going because my partner was going. I was like what the fuck? What happened… so yeh.

Bear in mind upto now I’d be sucking up to my mother trying to claw back some form of relatoonship with her because yeah I missed her (stupidly) I wanted her in my life. I was even willing to be nice to that tosser of a husband of hers. Not that I’ve ever been anything but civil with him, but she knows my feelings about him. Anyway,  I’d started trying to make effort, texting her and stuff, because earlier this year we had been to a family members bday party and my mother was distant, so with ts encouragement I text my mother asking her what was wrong and why we didn’t speak any more. She never replied. I should have known then shouldn’t I. Well a few month after that came my birthday. I didn’t hear a didgerydoo from my mother and boy was I upset. I put a post on facebook saying thanks for well wishes,  shame I didn’t hear from my mum or something along those lines. Well it started there didn’t it. She replied on facebook and then by text making out I was the bad one. I never sent her cards for mothers day or bdays and stuff…. bulllllshit. I always do. Always did!!! So I was pissed. I gave in and was like yeah whatever, and just said basically I wanted her in my life and needed her support in life and stuff. No reply. So things were pretty shitty from there. I tried making effort still by text. I shouldn’t have bothered.

Anyways. Back to the christening. So after my brother tells me she isn’t going I goes home and rang her. I asked what it all was about and she turns round saying paul told her to fuck off??? Whattttt. Then she tries saying someone told her he said to fuck off whilst I was talking to her on the phone. Well I know thays bull because no one who knew her was there any of the times id spoken to her on the phone. Then she changes it to she heard him. Again bullshit cause I always go into a room or outside alone when I speak to her. I told her his and she was still chatting her bullshit. Calling me and paul this that and the other. Eventually I just turned round and said thats it. I’m done. All ties are cut. I don’t want you in my life. I can’t lie I didn’t want to lose my mum and I wish everyday I could have her back. The good part of her. Probably even ths bad cause shes my mum!

Anyway the christening finally came round. My partner didn’t attend because he didn’t wanna cause family dynamics and he didn’t want anyonr saying he stopped my nieces grandmother being able to go. So I had to go alone! I’ll be honest too, it was awful. So much jealousy raged through my body when I saw my mother loving my sister. Each time my mother looked at her I could see the love. I wanted that. What did I do to suffer this rejection? Anyways throughout the day I just wished harder and harder she’d look at me. Acknowlege me. She didn’t though not once. Not even for a split second. It was like I was invisible. She was stood touching distance away and she never even saw me. It was like I was a ghost. I could see her but to her I was invisible. I so so bad wanted her to speak to me. I never wanted our relationship to be over. Not at all. How is it that she can know it hurts me but do nothing? It got to a point where it felt like she was talking to my sister just to make me more jealous. That was probably in my head but thats how it felt. I want her to care about me but I really don’t think she does.

Did she always hate me this way? Maybe. It would explain a lot. She always put me last. My sister could never sour my mother but me, oh so easily done. I’d be in so much trouble for things my sister could do with no ill consequence. My sister could go out whilst I had to stay home and do chores. She always made effort to see my sister once she left home, but never made any effort for me. She didn’t care too much when I was assaulted, when I was hurt and broke my leg. Why didn’t my mother love me?? How should I feel when my own mother has put me in the throw away pile?

I’d never realised but u don’t think she ever really cared for me. Oh my god. Yet here I am feeling guilty for having second thoughts about getting her a damn birthdag card! Missing her. I miss her voice, even her yelling. I miss that look she gave me. The one that told me I was in for it. I just want my mum. I want ti be able to say yeah I have my mum. Instead of makih excuses when people ask about my parents. What the fuck did I do to deserve such a wank life?

I’m sorry mummy for ruining your life. I probably deserved all I got!

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Vent away….. if you insist

  1. I am not sure of what you “got”, I am sure that you did not deserve it. not at all, not one bit. Tell yourself this often. Others can tell you this, but it will roll off, you need to believe it yourself.

    • You wouldnt feel good knowing what i got. Alot of things are just too much to write about. But ye i dont really see me ‘believing’ others. It is not belief, it is fact! Only people who deserve to be are sought after. I was very much sought after. Thats just the way it was.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: