So, because I havent used my blog for a while, for reasons I am unsure of, I figured before I start to use it again it might be a good idea to have a free write catch up. Lots of things have happened since May.
Anyway, therapy is changing now. I am starting to see T weekly 🙂 yay, because we are starting to try emdr and she doesn’t want to leave so much time in between sessions. It took her a while to convince me it was a good idea though, because im scared of needing her again. Like when I was a teen and saw her through CAMHS. I could so easily need her too much, and have to stop myself wanting to contact her between sessions. Its crazy. I often go over the top with the amount of emails I send her between sesaions though. I wish I didn’t. I hate that I’m taking up her time. I’m not worthy of so much time. I sent her nearly 20 e-mails last week! I bet she dreads opening her e-mails. But last wednesday, she said I needed to try keep e-mails to a minimum because she couldn’t keep up or something and she needs her home time, so I said I wasn’t going to e-mail her until I saw her. Which then was 10 days away! Only 4 days now though… I really can’t wait. The last session we had a moment. I was switching real bad, and in a weird place. She knew that. She got sent a crazy e-mail from someone inside about our system. It had a lot of things in it I didn’t want her to know, and it really put me in a bad place. I don’t even know why. I guess I just felt exposed. I dunno. It’s weird.
So yeah, t and I are starting emdr. Im not scared of it or anything, but i keep reading that emdr with DID patients is a whole different ball game to emdr for those without DID. It scares thinking about what could go wrong. I can’t say anything but gppd about my t, but regarding experience with DID I’m sure she doesn’t have it. She diagnosed me as DID when I was younger with the help of a child psychiatrist. I don’t think she had anyone with DID before. She has said she knows someone with DID. I don’t know how! Maybe I should ask. I’m scared to tell her that I am scared she will get it wrong and make us worse. I’m scared that my system are just going along with it and aren’t prepared for how bad it could make us feel. I’m scared T will think we are just too awkward and too much hard work and make us see someone else. What if she feels out of her depth? I don’t even know. Does she just think I’m being awkward and crazy??? I can’t wait to see her on Friday. I hope this time I don’t switch so much, and I hope we have a good session. Boy do I need it!!! I’m trying my best not to e-mail her before then. I’ve drawn a bit though, and scribbled down lots of thoughts! 4 more days.
Life in general has been a bit of a drag. I’ve had a lot of worry about money and stuff going on because my SOs benefit payments were up for review february 2014. I was absolutely shitting myself thinking that he’d never get them again, and we’d then never have any money to live, for therapy, for anything, but a few week ago a renewal form for DLA came through and I filled it all in straight away and sent it back. Last week we got confirmation and he’s getting that for 2 more years. I seriously danced with the dog after I’d read it. Thats such a weight lifted its silly. Just got his other benefit review now, then we will be sorted out. Im fairly confident about the next one though. I think. So I have no worried about not been able to afford the tiny amount T charges me now. Woop. Maybe thats what i was worrying about most.
Other stuffs been happening too. We are currently going through fertility testing because we’ve been trying to have a baby for over a year and had no luck, and because I have endometriosis the have to look into infertility sooner. Some people may think we are irresponsible trying to have a baby what with me having DID and stuff but I didn’t choose to have DID. I didn’t choose for those people to mess my life up so much I had to create alters. Yeah I know i have DID. I know I might have difficult moments, and I know I switch and am not co-conscious with everyone. I see though that I”m in a better position than most women with DID. I am not gonna find out years into my kids life. I already know my triggers, fallbacks and switches. So I can put safety provisions in place to keep my child safe. My SO knows about my DID so he knows when he will need to be a more hands on dad. Yeah I’m not going to be a perfect mum but no one is. I do know though that my child will never ever feel any things that I feel. It will never hurt, never be scared, and will not ever have anyome be innapropriate towards it, because so help me god if I ever found that my child had been hurt I would turn she bitch and hunt that fucker down. I am not my mother. I will not ignore problems. I will not put my own feelings before my child, I will not put a bottle before my childs safety. So yeah. Fertility treatment. I really do hppe we get to have a baby. I want to give my life some purpose, and lets face it, with a new baby I’ll have little time to think. At the minute regarding testing and stuff we are just waiting to hear back from gyn doctor. They’ve done scans, bloods, analysis on SO. So its just a waiting game now. I already know about endometriosis and PCOS so my chances are limited already but who knows what he’ll say. I’m gonna just to find a point in life if he mentions the word infertile. That would destroy me. After everything I’ve been through I’d like to be able to do this one thig right. If I can’t well what’s the point. So thats that.
We’ve had to do some house renovation stuff this past few month too. We had ti have carpets redone on our stairs and in our living room despite the fact that we’d only replaced them 6 monthe before. They just wore soooooo badly so we complained to the store we got them from and they replaced them, we just had to pay a little towards the new ones. That was a bit of a sting but now we have real nice fluffy ones. Jessie like them becuase when we walk on it it tickles against our toes. Jessie is one of my littles but you knew that right 🙂
Weve also started work more. We work at the offices 2 times a week, and do cleaning at someone house 1 time a week. It really helps us to have some spare money. It helps paying bills and stuff and it means I have my own money to go to Ts too. It’s nice to feel like you are doing something for yourself.
Oooh guess what else, my dobermann Max has had another batch of puppies. Thats 30 puppies now. This most recent litter was one of 10. It consisted of 9 girls and 1 boy. a whole 9 girls. Wow. Max litters have all made more girls than boys though. Its crazy.
Anyway am gonna go now cause everyones getting ratty with writing bye