i wish…..

I wish T was still at the other end of the phone!

I wish I could have a conversation with her right now!

I wish I didn’t feel rubbish!

I wish that I could keep seeing her forever!

I wish I didn’t feel like this!

I wish she didn’t have to feel sorry for me!

I wish I could stop asking myself silly questions!

I am lucky, I have a family now, Pauls mum is like a mum to me, his stepdad does care about me, I have a step son who I love and care about, I have 2 beautiful dogs, I have a brilliant therapist whom I am lucky to have in my life. T has told me how I am the only client she sees from her NHS work. I’m lucky. For that I am ever so grateful. I also have a brilliant partner who loves me, he isn’t perfect, gosh he isn’t perfect but I do love him. I’m sure he loves me too! I have more than most people right. I’m only 22 as well, plenty of time for my life to become more normal before I’m old and have no life left! I hope that our family is gonna get bigger! I’d like to be a mum. It scares me though, how do I protect my child?? I’m not really 1005 sure what motherhood is! I think I know, but I can’t understand the concept of it! I want a chance to do something right! I think I’d make a good mum, and I have Paul to help, and his family. I can’t help thinking his mum doesn’t really want another grandchild though, but she understands that I’m young and it had to happen eventually. Paul had to expect this when he met a 17 year old young woman.

I can’t believe our relationship actually works. With a 22 year age gap! He 44 I’m 22.We should be like chalk and cheese! I guess we are! He’s a hot headed worrier. I’m too likely to let him have his way for an easy life! I guess I could be considered weak! I try not to be though, but fall backs with regards to my life are to be expected I guess. Crazy talk!

Anyway, tomorrow I think we are going to aquatics shops with our friends. I need java fern for my fish anyway. They are considering getting fish so want to take a look around. I have 3 tanks now. I must be crazy!

Friday evening we are meant to be at Pauls mums, for a takeaway. I’d be looking forward to it but Stevie and his gf are going with us, I fancied chatting with his mum but have to be another time! I hate waiting for stuff! She’s had my folder a while now. She hasn’t been through it yet. She had me get a lever arch file, to put all the stuff in so she didn’t mix it up! I did, but now she’s getting a bigger lever arch file cause the one she has isn’t big enough! I dropped the damn thing yesterday when we left and it spilt all over the floor. Fuck sake! Never mind though huh!

Right I’m done, I’m going.

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