I’m on a downward spiral today. Went to see Pauls mum. Was nice. I was more chilled out than I’ve been in a while there. Laying on her floor chatting and watching the clouds go by. I felt dizzy when I got up though. We’ve had a little chat about how things are going with t. She’s had me put the stuff from my folder into a lever arch file too. So she doesn’t mess it up when looking through it. To be honest it was hard hole punching all that stuff so it would go in
Had to message T after our session on Friday, I was a mess! I hate having to e-mail her but it had to be done. I feel like I could e-mail her again to vent but I must hold back. We’ve started Reprocessing memories, I think its kind of like EMDR but no dodgy eye movements so i’m not sure. Maybe it’s called something else. She has special little buzzer things, they were green, and said theratapper on them. They vibrate simultaneously and reprocess memories apparently.
We just started by working on memories of my dad, try and come to terms with things a little. I’m not sure how easy it’s going to be. Feels like I’ve opened a massive can of worms and they’ve gone all slimy over me! If that makes sense. It’s silly. Anyway I talked about how I feel guilty, I should be helping my dad in his old age, but my catch 22 is that thinking of him or seeing words written by him on Facebook really aggravates me and makes me feel utterly sick to my stomach! I can’t face anything that’s from him. It’s confusing! What should I think. he doesn’t deserve me! He lost the privilege of having a daughter a long time ago. A lot of things wouldn’t have happened to me if it weren’t for him! The abuse, rape, mental games and whole messed up life is in some way kind of his fault. If we hadn’t been in a hostel due to him beating my mother black and blue I wouldn’t have been in that place to be abused by that sick man! If when he and my mother remarried he hadn’t always left me alone to babysit my baby brother to go to the pub, I wouldn’t have been raped in my own back yard. I would have been safe! He’s failed me! Super failed me! He and my mum don’t deserve me!
T and I kind of talked about how maybe Pauls mum is a reminder of the lack of parenting I have from my own parents. Maybe she is. All I know Is I wish my own mum cared about me as much as his mum does. I’ll never have my mum though. I know it!
God now I’ve saddened myself I’m going!