Not feeling good right now. Haven’t felt good for days. I hate it. I just seem to have been trying to push away my issues, but they wont go and leave me be for a bit. I feel like I can’t hold my head above the water! I don’t know why and I darent tell my bf but I feel like I could just inflict pain on myself. Feel a bit suicidal and pointless, I wouldnt do anything like that but the thought of it is somewhat a pacifier. Theres too much goin on in my head to get down on paper, I haven’t even messaged t this week. I feel like I’m in a bubble nd no one else should be let in. Proper bad on a I can’t tell moment, I don’t want t anyway. Shes not bothered I guess. Gives her a break from me moaning. She thinks I’m ok anyway. Probs thinks i don’t need her. I don’t care at this moment what she thinks. Too much going off in my head to have care for anything.
Its 2.30am. I guess its mothers day. What a load of crap. Happy mothers day to my womb provider of a mother. I hate her today. I hate that she doesn’t deserve to have a special day but does. I hate that she doesn’t feel very much like a mother to me. Pauls mum tries but she’s not my mum. It would be nice for my mum to be like the happy times I remember as a child. They were few and far between but I remember them happening. Or was I dreaming. I dont know.
I have the added stress of money worries right now. Me and bf are in the red at bank. I’m trying to sell some stuff. I hope it sells real soon then well be ok again. Pauls grandma is in hospital too. His mum thinks she’s not gonna be coming out. She’s 92. Real frail. Shes had about 5 heart attacks! She’s in now cause she can’t breathe. She has fluid on her lungs and fluid retention all over her body. They gave her a catheter too and she’s not allowed to leave her bed! I think thats cause she’s plugged into all machines and they don’t want her to fall. Bless her.
My friends babyis going in hospital tomorroe for heart surgery. He’s about 16month old and has to have a stent put in one of the valves. Hopefully it wont have to be open heart!! Keeping fingers crossed.
Anyway I gotta try sleep….