hmmmm

bathtime is a time for reflecting on things. good and bad.

right now im thinking about the new marks i have made on my body. stupidity doesnt even come close. talk about 3-4 years effort down the drain. i may as well not have stopped the sh moments. i dont do it to try finish myself. not at all. just to give me some release. pain is a release for me. luckily i made my excuses to paul and told t a distorted truth about it. paul believed my story of getting it caught this morning, he hasnt said anything about me doing it myself. i think its crossed his mind but hed never ask anyway. what reason has he got to doubt. i guess i just gotta do it in less obvious places. i havent heard from t yet but the email doesnt say much so shell probs gets the wrong end of the stick anyway but she cant say i didnt tell her. fuck it. like grandma put in the email. mistakes are inevitable.

i havent even been around today. just let gma take over. one of those days where reality is too hard to face. everyone inside is frightened of being punished for telling truths to t. maybe i am too. i dont know. iv been so emotional all day that now i feel kinda numb inside. i dont know what to think or feel. im not staying here. i dont wanna do the normal face. someone else can. thats what they are there for after all.

awww my heads a shed. mental instability something silly is going on. sometimes im grateful i have did. others i ccan’t handle the chaos that boild in my head. But as is life. This is the life I have been given and I cannot change it. Bad times huh

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5 thoughts on “hmmmm

  1. It happens to me too, I get the relieve of pain for a short time, and then i have to look at the results every f*cking day, it’s more than annoying… If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been working with your t? For me it took a long time to really start trusting him. Hope you feel better real soon, thinking of you… xx

    • i hate the results. it takes the absolute piss. it would be nice to have pain and no aftermath lol.
      regarding t its complicated. i have been seeing her now since jan. only 2 upto now. but i saw her around 3-4 years ago for a period of 4 years. she was my rock back then. i trusted her with my life, my thoughts and everything. its weird seeing her again and we are gonna hopefully stary meeting once a fortnight as shes busy. i do trust her still. but i just have to get used to having someone to off load to again. its real weird. i cant explain it.

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