I went to see t. That was good, kind of. I tried to post a blog whilst I was sat in the waiting room, but my phone wouldn’t load it up.basically I was feeling terrible, I was all alone, absolutely crapping myself, and I was 5-10 minutes early. Bet I looked really eager. I wasn’t! Anyway she came down and got me, took me to her room. I think I just wanted her to curse at me and be mad that I missed last week! She didn’t. It kinda leaves a hole though where she should have cause I expected it, but it didn’t happen, and I got myself all wound up for what feels like nothing. Maybe the anger over t will come.
T said everyone has those days where nothing goes right but shedoesn’t seem to understand that I have a day like that almost every day. She says she thinks I really am ok. I don’t feel ok. I kinda feel like I could cave in any moment and just crash. I cant though. Small things are keeping me going, I feel like I have to live a lie to be normal. Is it worth it. Struggle to stay normal everyday to avoid breaking or should I break and work towards being happy?
I guessI’m scared paul would leave if I didn’t hold it together. I kinda feel like I’m putting a brave face on it all though. Is that what normal is? Cause I don’t know how much longer i can do it. I want to let my parts have their say, but we all have fears of being labelled as crazy so we know we gotta ty our best to work together, and keep quit about mishaps. T thinks thats moving forward. Maybe it is. Personally I just think its a means to an end. Anyone hides truth to protect themselves right? I don’t feel like we are working together.
More like each one of us are working towards what we want for ourselves, and we all seem to be going for the same thing but we arent. We all want the life we should of had. Minus the badness. Trouble is none of us can ever get that back. I know that. What happens when the others do? I sort of feel like I make myself perform for t. I have a month to prepare for next session, to get through it. I want to see her more often. I wanna go deeo into the shit and come out the other end. I darent be myself with her. I couldnt contain the shit for a whole month after a bad session of truths.
She did say that we could maybe see her more often but I’d have to pay her normal charge, thats fine. I hinted at it today but she either ignored it or just didn’t get it. Wih t it really has an equal chance of being either. I guess I’d kinda like to see her once a fortnight, minimum. I dont think itll happen though. She thinks I’m ok after all. I get a feeling she’s kind of confused as to why I wanna see her again.
Anyway today I think more time was spent talking about the fact that I wanted to take all her folder of stuff for me home to look through. Even her notes. She let me. Eventually. She wasnt convinced it would be a good idea but fuck it I wanted to. I told her I’d take them back asap if I couldnt face it but like fuck I am. I read trough a bit today and it didn’t really get to me, but I kinda shut off and it was sorta like reading someone elses stuff cause I dont remember half of it though. I’m sure some of her files on me are missin though. Theres not even 2 years worth there and I saw her for I think 4. so I’m gonna email her and ask her where the rest is. I want to see that too. Most of the things she’s given me is lame and before jessie and everyone we proper openly here. I’m sure she made another folder when I was seeing her back then. Ill ask anyway. Its my stuff after all.
I guessI’m proud of myself for asking for it all, well insisting. Cause usualIy I wouldnt. But I realy wanted this. Felt like I needed it to make some sense of things. If that makes sense. Anyway after shed stopped frettin about giving me the notes we talked, well I talked abot the bad men, well more rambled on. It probably came out al wrong but I kinda get muddled up when I talk about it, and have to concentrate efforts on not switching. I ended the session because I was startin to feel myself getting upset. I didn’t want to crh at the end. Wed gone over a few minutes anyway and I’d need half hour for her to help me get over the fact that I’d cried. She knows I dont cry. Its a sign of weakness. If you cry they enjoy it more and know they are doing something that will always get a reaction
Its silly but thats the way I think. I am silly though arent I, so no wonder.
I guess I should go. It 2.40am. I better try sleep….. FAT CHANCE!!!!