my friday…

I went to see t. That was good, kind of. I tried to post a blog whilst I was sat in the waiting room, but my phone wouldn’t load it up.basically I was feeling terrible, I was all alone, absolutely crapping myself, and I was 5-10 minutes early. Bet I looked really eager. I wasn’t! Anyway she came down and got me, took me to her room. I think I just wanted her to curse at me and be mad that I missed last week! She didn’t. It kinda leaves a hole though where she should have cause I expected it, but it didn’t happen, and I got myself all wound up for what feels like nothing. Maybe the anger over t will come.

T said everyone has those days where nothing goes right but shedoesn’t seem to understand that I have a day like that almost every day. She says she thinks I really am ok. I don’t feel ok. I kinda feel like I could cave in any moment and just crash. I cant though. Small things are keeping me going, I feel like I have to live a lie to be normal. Is it worth it. Struggle to stay normal everyday to avoid breaking or should I break and work towards being happy?

I guessI’m scared paul would leave if I didn’t hold it together. I kinda feel like I’m putting a brave face on it all though. Is that what normal is? Cause I don’t know how much longer i can do it. I want to let my parts have their say, but we all have fears of being labelled as crazy so we know we gotta ty our best to work together, and keep quit about mishaps. T thinks thats moving forward. Maybe it is. Personally I just think its a means to an end. Anyone hides truth to protect themselves right? I don’t feel like we are working together.

More like each one of us are working towards what we want for ourselves, and we all seem to be going for the same thing but we arent. We all want the life we should of had. Minus the badness. Trouble is none of us can ever get that back. I know that. What happens when the others do? I sort of feel like I make myself perform for t. I have a month to prepare for next session, to get through it. I want to see her more often. I wanna go deeo into the shit and come out the other end. I darent be myself with her. I couldnt contain the shit for a whole month after a bad session of truths.

She did say that we could maybe see her more often but I’d have to pay her normal charge, thats fine. I hinted at it today but she either ignored it or just didn’t get it. Wih t it really has an equal chance of being either. I guess I’d kinda like to see her once a fortnight, minimum. I dont think itll happen though. She thinks I’m ok after all. I get a feeling she’s kind of confused as to why I wanna see her again.

Anyway today I think more time was spent talking about the fact that I wanted to take all her folder of stuff for me home to look through. Even her notes. She let me. Eventually. She wasnt convinced it would be a good idea but fuck it I wanted to. I told her I’d take them back asap if I couldnt face it but like fuck I am. I read trough a bit today and it didn’t really get to me, but I kinda shut off and it was sorta like reading someone elses stuff cause I dont remember half of it though. I’m sure some of her files on me are missin though. Theres not even 2 years worth there and I saw her for I think 4. so I’m gonna email her and ask her where the rest is. I want to see that too. Most of the things she’s given me is lame and before jessie and everyone we proper openly here. I’m sure she made another folder when I was seeing her back then. Ill ask anyway. Its my stuff after all.

I guessI’m proud of myself for asking for it all, well insisting. Cause usualIy I wouldnt. But I realy wanted this. Felt like I needed it to make some sense of things. If that makes sense. Anyway after shed stopped frettin about giving me the notes we talked, well I talked abot the bad men, well more rambled on. It probably came out al wrong but I kinda get muddled up when I talk about it, and have to concentrate efforts on not switching. I ended the session because I was startin to feel myself getting upset. I didn’t want to crh at the end. Wed gone over a few minutes anyway and I’d need half hour for her to help me get over the fact that I’d cried. She knows I dont cry. Its a sign of weakness. If you cry they enjoy it more and know they are doing something that will always get a reaction

Its silly but thats the way I think. I am silly though arent I, so no wonder.

I guess I should go. It 2.40am. I better try sleep….. FAT CHANCE!!!!

Bonny

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5 thoughts on “my friday…

  1. i go to therapy once a fortnight and find that hard enough so i’ve no idea how you manage with only going once a month. i can understand why you are hesitant about doing deeper work if you have to go that long inbetween. Do you think you’d be able to talk to her about it next time to see if you can see her more often ?

    • i mentioned it in the email i sent her. just waiting to see what she says. trouble is that i used to see her when i was a teen as she works for the nhs (uk) and also privately. i was seeing her through child and adolescent mental health service through nhs. i had to stop going at 18. she wanted to transfer me to an adult therapist but i refused as id been seeing her 4 years and couldnt face changing. that was 4 years ago. just before xmas i got in touch with her as things have become too much and asked to see her again. luckily she had the go ahead and permission to start seeing me privately. however she is doing it off of her own back and not because im paying her. now iv told her in the message ill pay and everything but apparently its a bit hit and moss whether it would be conflict of interest or something silly. i really hope i can see her more. im scarex to have a to find a new therapist who i dont know. hopefully it wont come to that. we will see what she says in the email. hoping to hear back from her tomorrow. jessie a young alter of mine thinks alot of her and it would make his day if we could see her more often.

  2. why would it be a conflict of interest ? i get so confused with systems over here :/ i really do hope you get the answer you want because i know how much it means when you have a t you can trust

  3. I’m not actually sure. I think because she saw me through nhs she’s not meant to encourage me to see her privately and pay to do so. Or something like that. I hope I get the answer I want too. I also hope that if I do she doesn’t charge extortionate rates. It means more than most can imagine to have one you can trust. Only those who have ridden a storm can understand the true bond that you have with a therapist that you like and can work with well.

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