sleepless night again

I cannot sleep again. I can’t stop my mind racing. I don’t know what wrong with me. 

I am seeig t tomorrow. I am looking forward to talking to her. This four week wait in between seeig her has been an absolute killer. I don’t think I can ask to see her more often though, she is a busy lay and is bein kind as it is. I got her response to wednesdays email this morning, she must have been in a rush, I kinda felt as thouhh I’d really come to terms with something bt t never really mentioned it. I’m sure we will talk about it when I see her though. Not even tomorrow its in a few hours. Its 2am right now. 

I have asked t if we can talk openly about what the postman did to me. I still want to even if only a little. I have to let go of a little of the shame attached to it. Can t even handle hearing some of the things that happened?? Is it unfair to pile that nastyness on her?? I don’t know. I don’t want her to feel rubbish cause of me or make her think bad things. I really don’t want to upset her at all. I don’t know what to do. It is nice seein her again and i don’t want to jeopordise that.

Anyway I guess ill just have to see where the conversation goes when I see her. I hope time doesn’t go as quick as last time. Jessie has been talking to his friends on a forum we are on. They say they have a picture of their t to look at in between seeing them, he’s asked me about doing the same but I kinda feel like t isnt really my t. She’s feel like more of a between stops kind of thing. I think thats how she wants to be seen to. I shouldnt really put t referin to her but I dont wanna share her name and its the simplest way for me to describe her. So yeh, I thimk she’s just kind of trying to help keep me at bay until I sort myself out some hands on therapy. If that makes sense. Therefore I feel like she isn’t gonna wanna go into too much stuff cause she doesn’t plan on seeing me long term. That and we only meet once per month. The problem is that I still haven’t heard a thing from rightsteps and he doc wont refer me to apts. I dint know what to do. I can’t refer myself to rightsteps, my system wont let me, and they will lose a safe place if I let t do it, I can’t let that happen. Just knowing she is there is helping so much right now. Its keeping me going when the days are too tough. I don’t wanna depend on her though not like before, and I think iv done real well sticking to her message boundaries. I expected lots of slip ups. I have her number but I absolutely refuse to use it. Infact I wish she hadn sent me it. I still don’t know why she did that. 

It confuses us. Nat is paranoid that because t gave us it, we should have text her or something but because we didn’t t will feel like we don’t want to, but I don’t wanna text her because it will invade her personal space and I definately don’t want to do that. I don’t want her to get of our existence. I bet she did when we saw her before. We depended on her for everything. She was all we had. The only support we had ever had. I needed her then. Just to exist and function. Its silly how much I relied on her, and god bless her she always called back, and never let me know I she was annoyed at my calling, she always said what I needed to hear. She coached me day to day, and did fabulous. I can’t let myself get attached to her support though. I really must not let that happen. I must not let my barriers down fully. That s eniugh about that anyway.

Dya know, paul scared me tonight. He was trying to make a film play on the laptop. James was ot and got up and tapped paul on the shouldee saying hey don’t tap at it like that, immediately pauk turned to us in a rage and shoved us. As soon as we saw his face we switched and jessie came up front and was roughly shoved to the floor, paul with fists cleched. It terrified us. He knew it too. He’s never hit me, never. He just pushed but he knows he scared me. He will have seen the immediate fear in jessies eyes. Jessie didn’t cry. He just stared at paul for a second. Paul said he was going to bed. So we let him. He knows I am not happy with him. I will discuss his outburst with him tomorrow and tell him he frightened me. So thats that.

Im gonna go now. Either find something for shivon to clean, or go bed….. ooooh she can clean the safety gates, and the walls near the back door. 🙂 that should kill an hour.



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